Zack: It's hard to think with Broccolini staring at me, but I was looking through those rules for creating an alien in Heroes Unlimited. There is a random chart for what type of alien you are and one of the types is a plant.
Steve: Swamp Thing was a plant. I mean, basically. He was a thing of swamp. And also he had emotions.
Zack: Not exactly the same, because Swamp Thing is bipedal and that's a separate option. You can also choose to play a crazy hero, which means you can play an insane alien plant. You can even give your plant multiple personalities.
Zack: So Mort, the fern from Neptune, has six personalities. And one of those personalities is a woman and another one is a hypochondriac.
Steve: Is he worried about beetles?
Zack: He read the wikipedia page for Dutch Elm and now he can't get it out of his mind. Every little twitch, every little blemish on one of his leaves, has to be a Dutch Elm infection.
Steve: It sounds like he's going to have trouble fighting for justice.
Zack: Yeah, but the good news is with every six months of rigorous therapy and talking through his problems he might actually lose the extra personalities and be cured.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.