Steve: The strange cove and ugly statues strike fear into the hearts of the superstitious crew. They leave you on the beach and the ship sets off again.
Zack: "Yeah, sure, no problem. Ominous island. Just drop me off whenever for however long. Barack I will remember this treachery."
Steve: You follow the ominous canyon path towards a higher plateau. As you emerge from the canyon you see a single, large tower. It's made out of smooth, black material and the top is a snake's head.
Zack: Did the sailors leave me my horse?
Steve: Your horse was eaten during the voyage.
Zack: Continue towards the tower on foot, but I am wary of traps. I'm also super pissed that they ate my horse.
Steve: You reach the tower. You can hear a hissing snake through the doors.
Zack: I open the doors and walk inside.
Steve: You almost plummet, face first, into a huge pit full of snakes. In addition to huge piles of snakes there is also one gigantic snake. It sees you and hisses.
Zack: Would this be an appropriate time for Roll Attack?
Steve: Probably not, dude.
Zack: "Die, snake of Satan!" I swing my sword in a Gunt style attack.
Steve: You chop the head off the giant snake and its lifeless body slides back into the pit full of snakes. There is a staircase up.
Zack: Taking the stairs and preparing to charge up my roll attack.
Steve: This is not something you can do.
Zack: "But is it something I can't not do?"
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.