Zack: Rogue Trader at its finest. Back in the Rogue Trader days they had about eight stumpy little miniatures, so they didn't have to worry about only including pictures that would be turned into polymer dollar signs. They just threw in whatever they wanted.
Steve: Like a man with a vagina for a mouth and a nose on his forehead?
Zack: Sure, or Pizza the Hut post-gastric-bypass, Where the Wild Thing Can't Drive, Down in Front, Foghorn Bolt Gun, what appears to be a scrotum with ears, and the remains of a vampire.
Steve: I like the guy with the bird beak. He looks like a punk rocker. I bet he loves anarchy.
Zack: No doubt. Rogue Trader didn't cover Chaos, so the mutants were just another sort of person. They probably were the sort of guys who might spray paint "ARSE MARINES" or "God Speed You, Fag Emperor" on a wall of the Hellsreach barrios.
Steve: Sounds like the sort of dangerous character that might engage in an unlawful hoverbike race with an Ork.
Zack: There are several more mutants. I hope they're not too scary for you.
Steve: They are pretty wild, but no, I am not scared of these dudes. In fact, I sort of want to tell them it's cool. Like that little Basket Case sort of guy with the warty skin. Maybe pick him up and carry him around like a football. Take him to get some Accutane or something.
Zack: I think he'd appreciate that. You could put him in the basket of your bicycle or carry him around in a Bjorn.
Steve: Do you think he needs to eat?
Zack: He's so small, he couldn't eat much. Maybe like one of those trendy mini-hamburgers that are popular now.
Steve: I eat Sliders all the time! I love them! That will be something else we can bond over.
Zack: Maybe you could make one of your dragon shirts into pants that cover his legs and chin.
Steve: I would only do that if he appreciates irony. We could bond over that. Loving ironic shirts.
And you thought women had one-dimensional script intros that treated them like sex objects. Ewoks have it even worse.
No one seems to like the new Doom box art. But it's still the same old Doom Guy under that space marine helmet. Right?
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.