Zack: I'm wondering where this giant's crotch is in the picture.
Steve: I bet you are, dude. I bet you are having daydreams about it.
Zack: Also, who makes skin-tight underpants for giants?
Steve: Oh, you're just gonna go on and assume because giants are 50 feet tall they don't know how to craft up some underpants? That's racist.
Zack: Dungeons & Dragons is a series of overlapping race wars. You roll the dice to see how many orcs there are, do you think that's for purposes of hiring them to build a barn?
Steve: That sounds like an awesome fight. You got your heroes at one end of a hallway in a room and they're standing there while Hobgoblins come at them three at a time. It's like a Bruce Lee movie that never ends.
Zack: "Yep, got a sweet adventure planned tonight. Gonna have my group methodically commit genocide on an entire town of Hobgoblins over the course of 120 combat turns. If my calculations and spreadsheets are correct, it should take about three and a half years."
Steve: That's going to seriously deplete the Mountain Dew and Papa Johns fund.
Zack: Headlines scream: Five Unloved Odd Bodies Dead in Farty Basement Following Marathon Hobgoblin Pogrom. They died as they lived, in a lethally dense cloud of flatus.Steve: You might as well drop it, dude. Yesterday's basement D&D dork is Rico Suave compared to your average World of Warcraft nerdloaf.
Zack: I don't know, the WoW people occasionally reproduce so they have something to neglect.Steve: Only because girls sometimes play it, and before you say anything, no, girls are not automatically cool. Hot babes are cool, but there is a world of difference between girls and hot babes.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.