Zack: Uh, excuse me waiter, I asked for my misshapen Asian without pepperoni.
Steve: The Chain is supposed to be Latino! Asians don't have to escape barrios.
Zack: Asian or Latino, his supposedly gorgeous Special Forces leg looks like a half-digested earthworm being regurgitated out of a bird's mouth.
Steve: I wonder if Army recruiters try to sell people on how sweet being a commando or whatever can make your legs look. That's probably not to effective with most dudes.
Zack: Yeah, these ASVAB scores are incredible. Truly incredible, son. You can have your pick of MOS. Say, I was just noticing your gorgeous legs. Did you know that MOS 0311 includes a special course just for toning up your legs? Absolutely, just sign here. Oorah!
Steve: My uncle was a Marine and he would walk around the house all the time saying "Oorah!" and not even knowing it. It wasn't loud like that Al Pacino movie where he's blind, he'd just be working on his car or out back digging a hole or something and he'd stop and wipe some sweat off his face and say, "Oorah." Even though he didn't know I was watching him out the window and nobody was around.Zack: Yeah, I know the last time I was spying on my uncle and watching him do yard work I- what the fuck is wrong with you, Steve? Were his gorgeous legs mesmerizing you?
Steve: No, he had a heart attack like a month earlier and I wanted to see if he had another one, but he didn't right then. He had one blowing out candles at a birthday party like two months later though and they got it on video which I think is illegal because he died from that heart attack, but not right then he died like three days later.
Zack: Maybe he wished he was dead.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
Ignore the hype. Find out how these games will likely go right or wrong.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.