Zack: Uh, excuse me waiter, I asked for my misshapen Asian without pepperoni.

Steve: The Chain is supposed to be Latino! Asians don't have to escape barrios.

Zack: Asian or Latino, his supposedly gorgeous Special Forces leg looks like a half-digested earthworm being regurgitated out of a bird's mouth.

Steve: I wonder if Army recruiters try to sell people on how sweet being a commando or whatever can make your legs look. That's probably not to effective with most dudes.

Zack: Yeah, these ASVAB scores are incredible. Truly incredible, son. You can have your pick of MOS. Say, I was just noticing your gorgeous legs. Did you know that MOS 0311 includes a special course just for toning up your legs? Absolutely, just sign here. Oorah!

Steve: My uncle was a Marine and he would walk around the house all the time saying "Oorah!" and not even knowing it. It wasn't loud like that Al Pacino movie where he's blind, he'd just be working on his car or out back digging a hole or something and he'd stop and wipe some sweat off his face and say, "Oorah." Even though he didn't know I was watching him out the window and nobody was around.

Zack: Yeah, I know the last time I was spying on my uncle and watching him do yard work I- what the fuck is wrong with you, Steve? Were his gorgeous legs mesmerizing you?

Steve: No, he had a heart attack like a month earlier and I wanted to see if he had another one, but he didn't right then. He had one blowing out candles at a birthday party like two months later though and they got it on video which I think is illegal because he died from that heart attack, but not right then he died like three days later.

Zack: Maybe he wished he was dead.

Zack: Oorah!

More WTF, D&D!?

This Week on Something Awful...

  • We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.