Steve: You go down some stairs inside the cave and it's all hot and nasty smelling. You enter a tunnel with some water and up ahead of you there is a filthy looking gynosphinx, which is like a sphinx but with boobs hanging out.
Zack: "Hail and well met, milady. Why are you down in a cave?"
Steve: She barks "this is where I love it. This is my home."
Zack: "Your home seems really amazingly horrible and shit. What a miserable home. I wouldn't live here and I am married to my skeleton bride and we live in graves of DIRT. Look at yourself, flapping your wings around a tunnel. You make me sick to my stomach!"
Steve: She starts getting mad.
Zack: I tell my skeleton to attack the sphinx and then I yell a battle cry for the skeleton.
Steve: The skeleton runs at the sphinx but hits an invisible force field.
Zack: Let us through you coward!
Steve: She says "First you must answer my riddle."
Zack: Oh, here we go, playing to stereotypes.
Steve: "Round she is, yet flat as a board. Altar of the Lupine Lords. Jewel on black velvet, pearl in the sea. Unchanged but e'erchanging, eternally. What am I?"
Zack: A lion woman with her tits out sitting in a filthy sewer like a pig.Steve: That's not right, but she takes the force field down so she can fight you. She smashes your skeleton to pieces with her claws.
Zack: My bony bride! This filthy feline will pay with her life! I summon another skeleton. A warrior expert skeleton.
Steve: There's some black lightning and another skeleton appears next to you.
Zack: I tell the skeleton to attack the sphinx and then while they're busy I'm going to go ahead down the tunnel.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.