Zack: Barbara looks like she could use a little extra undercarriage support.

Steve: Her shirt is like a lamp shade.

Zack: The criss-cross pattern of her underpants accentuate her spider veins and bruised shins.

Steve: Yeah, she looks like one messed up grandma.

Zack: She's tired of second place at the pit fights. This time she's getting even.

Steve: Man, I can see like every vein in her body. It's like in Interview With the Vampire when Dracula turns Brad Pitt into the vampire and his veins all bug out.

Zack: I don't remember Dracula being in that movie.

Steve: Yeah, he was played by that guy from Top Gun.

Zack: Oh, you're thinking of Days of Thunder.

Steve: No, that was the one with race cars.

Zack: Yeah, race cars and Dracula.

Steve: My mom has that on tape I think. I'm going to have to watch it again if it has Dracula in it.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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