Appearing In: Bushido Blade 2 (PS1)
Dr. Thorpe:People with tiny heads shouldn't wear huge Shakespeare collars, it's very unflattering.
Zack:I think he's wearing it to hide his giraffe-like neck. It must be at least a foot long.
Dr. Thorpe:Yeah, if you extrapolate the angles on that thing from what you can see, it's about twice as big as his head. Then again, to be fair, his head is the size of a softball.
Zack:His sleeves are so big his sharp hands look like the ringers of church bells.
Dr. Thorpe:I think this guy is having the same dilemma that plagues a lot of kind of nerdy guys in high school. They wake up one day and look in the mirror and realize they're just irredeemably ugly, and then they have to make that choice between dressing really normally and hoping nobody notices or dressing like The Crow and trying to score with drama-club chicks.
Zack:When you've let yourself go that far you might as well throw on a bright red cuirass with some sort of angelic lobster on the front and hell, set the whole thing off with a bright orange cape.
Dr. Thorpe:Look at that little bit of his chest sticking out. It looks like he's got a scar from open heart surgery. I've heard heart attacks can affect the disposition, but this problem looks like it goes a little bit beyond "disposition."
Zack:What is this clown even doing in a sword-fighting game? He would be jeered out of the clown tent at a circus for looking too garish.
Dr. Thorpe:I don't even want to consider the kind of nightmare venue where he wouldn't look out of place.
Zack:I think he's supposed to represent a metaphorical perfect swordsman. He combines the European fencing and cutlass fighting, medieval broadsword and long sword fighting and the famous Japanese tradition of simply horrifying your enemy with various bright colors and oversized garments.
Dr. Thorpe:Yeah, nobody would want to fight this guy, he's got that "dangerously crazy" vibe.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.