Character(s): Sergeant Joe
Appearing In: Suikoden 3 (PS2)
Thanks: Almost Smart
Dr. Thorpe:I don't want to sound racist, but that dude looks exactly like a duck.
Zack:How can you tell it's a dude? They all look the same to me.
Dr. Thorpe:Whoa, you have to be sensitive in these racially charged times. Did you see Kanye on that telethon? "George Bush does not care about ducks."
Zack:I heard they were swinging their halberds at the helicopters trying to rescue them, so honestly I don't care either. It's hard to imagine a more fearsome military force than a bunch of pantless ducks with pole arms. There would be bird shit everywhere in their staging areas and they'd keep running in disorganized mobs towards any dropped bread on the battlefield.
Dr. Thorpe:He looks like he's got a picture of a baby duck on his helmet, which is sort of disturbing. Can you imagine a human soldier with a picture of a baby on his helmet? You'd be like "what's this guy playing at?"
Zack:I would guess it's a sort of subtle anti-war message rather than a standardized unit badge.
Dr. Thorpe:Or maybe ducks just don't have any fucking decency!
Zack:I would like to add a personal anecdote about Suikoden 3. I bought it after the people on our forums raved about it. I sat through roughly half an hour of reading some elaborate, exceedingly impenetrable and melodramatic plot explained in dialogues. Then I saw one of the duck guys and I immediately turned it off. It was an insult. They demand that you take all of the inane exposition seriously and then they show you a duck in armor. "Haha, idiot! You read that shit?"
Dr. Thorpe:You know, I distinctly remember buying that game, but I don't think I ever played it, even once.
Zack:Advantage Thorpe, match point.
Dr. Thorpe:I just looked at my games and it's not there, so hopefully someone borrowed it and never gave it back. Nice!
Zack:In the dark days to come those who have played Suikoden 3 will envy the dead.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.