Jeff K.'s weekly column, appropriately entitled "Ask Jeff K.", deals with all the issues that affect all hardcore gamers and l33t haX0rs out there. If you have a question you'd like to ask, feel free to mail it in. Every letter printed here is in fact real and has actually been sent to Jeff; not a single email has been fabricated or created by the staff.

Let me repeat that again for the sake of emphasis: All of these emails have really been submitted to Jeff K. by real people and have NOT been made up or forged in any way.

oh why HELKO readars! I am back with anothar colamn for you too reads! Liek I saids before, I haev been vary bussey working at teh grocery store downtown. I had too get a PARTTIME JOB for moneys becuase I need a new hat!!! AND MY DAD WOULDANT BUY IT FOR ME!!! my dad si out of town allot and my mom talks too him on teh phone and says "yuo son of a bitch, whos teh hussy now you bastard?!?" to him and then I ask if I can talk too dad but she says "oh if I only knew who taht was, Jeff" which si dumb becuase she was just talking too my dad on teh phone!!! and I need a new hat! so thats why I've been bussey liek a BUG lately! So hear si my latest colamn for yuo too reads where I offer informatiaonal advice and clevar wit. AND WHIMSEY!!!

From: Ryan M. Gamo
Subject: d3aR jeffk

H0W ARE YU0,

i jusT r3aD j00 artical 0n veriuos c0ns0uL3s. it r v3ry g00d anD i li3k teH part ab0ut sn0y playstartian 2. But i thnik i li3k teH xB0x al0t becuaUs3 iT LOOK likE iT r0xx0r al0t. I thinK i miGht h00k uP a k34ybu0rd t0 Ti s0 i caN hax0r w/ Ti sinc3 j00 say Ti r A c0mpUTaR maCHeNe. May3b i can geT s0m3 upgardEs f0r Ti li3k a l33t m0derM.

wri3t m3 bakc pla3s3,

Ryan

YUO WRITE LIEK A RETARD

USE TEH KEYBOARD NEXT TIEM TO TYPE AND MAYBE ILL UNDARSTAND YUO AND REPLY BUT UNTIL THEN GO DIG A DITCH AND BURRY YUORSELF IN TEH DITCH AND LIGHT THE DITCH ON FIRE because I dont haev enough tiem to figare out yuor nonsense words, cakeass.

From: [email protected]
Subject: WHAT THE HELL?

Dude, what is wrong with your homepage? Either you cant type, or your not american and cant type, or your some idiot who cant type or you think its cool and cant type. Why would you do some crap like that? No one wastes their time reading it because its gay. I know im using aol which sucks balls but this is my only e-mail client.

OH HO helpful advice from an AOL emaler! "Helo Jeff yuor page sucks and yuo are suck and dont make fun of me becuase I use AOL because my mom sends pictares of me too grandma on AOL" HELO, YOUVE GOT MALE! FROM SOME FAGOT AOL USAR WHO WIPES HIS ASS WITH PETS!!!~

And yes I am an Amamrican becuase I dont liek those othar countries like Canananadanda and Mexico and Lady Libarty si for me. Amamrican is teh country for me! peopal from foreign countries talk liek nutsos like my science teachar, Mr. Belfinger:


ME (AT SCHOOL): "helo, hear si my science paper Mr. Belfinger."
MR BELFINGER: "Ahoy and good tideings, cheerio! poppies and fritz to yuor bloody lorrey, guvnah!"
ME: "WHAT?!?!?!?!??!"
MR. BELFINGER: "Git that swazzlestick, ye tirannick despot!"
ME: "GO BACK TO CUBA YUO BUTTPOPE"

So in conclusian, yuo must be vary proud to use AOL becuase yuo can instant message yuor grandma and talk about her broken hip and why yuor a failure and write in too peopal who hate yuo and run HIGH QUALIETY WEB PAEGES (MY PAGE!)!!!!

From: [email protected]
Subject: (no subject)

oh my god... I feel so sorry for you. Can we say spellcheck?

YES, CAN YUO SAY "JEFF K'S GONNA POUND YUOR CAKEASS TO HELL?!?!?"

PS: Im glad yuo use Hot Male, ASl?!!??!?!?! haha THAT MEANS "ONLINE SEX":

From: [email protected]
Subject: You are so boring

Your site isn't funny. It's good for like, what, 5 minutes?

hooray, that means the funny in my siet outlasted teh funney in yuor emale by what, 5 MINUTES????? hear si a plan for yuo: emale evarybody on teh intarnet and tell them how yuo feel about there siet! Im sure they all care!!!

WEBMASTER OF CNN.COM: "OH NO, HITMIKEY DOSE NOT LIEK MY SITE! TIEM TO JUMP INTO A CANNON AND BLOW ME UP BECUASE HITMIKEY SI TEH CHAMPION OF TEH INTARNET AND WHAT HE SAYS GOES!!!1 he means business!!!"

WEBMASTARAR OF SHUGARSHANCK: "OH NO, HITMIKEY DOES NOT LIEK ME EITHAR, TIEM TOO VISIT TEH LAVA GOD. first post first post babe hunt"

WEBMASTAR OF DONKEYMANSEXLOVE.COM: "oh good, Hitmikey enjoys my siet."

WEBMASTAR OF LETSALLRAPEKITCHENS.COM: "hello, I am Hitmikey."

wow, way too go, fruitbasket!!! Now teh whole Intarnet knows yuor opinon and oh yes, nobodey cares what yuo think so go slam a camal!!1~ GUM GUM GUM GUM!!!! I LOVE GUM!!!!

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