Jeff K.'s weekly column, appropriately entitled "Ask Jeff K.", deals with all the issues that affect all hardcore gamers and l33t haX0rs out there. If you have a question you'd like to ask, feel free to mail it in. Every letter printed here is in fact real and has actually been sent to Jeff; not a single email has been fabricated or created by the staff.
Let me repeat that again for the sake of emphasis: All of these emails have really been submitted to Jeff K. by real people and have NOT been made up or forged in any way.
oh why HELKO readars! I am back with anothar colamn for you too reads! Liek I saids before, I haev been vary bussey working at teh grocery store downtown. I had too get a PARTTIME JOB for moneys becuase I need a new hat!!! AND MY DAD WOULDANT BUY IT FOR ME!!! my dad si out of town allot and my mom talks too him on teh phone and says "yuo son of a bitch, whos teh hussy now you bastard?!?" to him and then I ask if I can talk too dad but she says "oh if I only knew who taht was, Jeff" which si dumb becuase she was just talking too my dad on teh phone!!! and I need a new hat! so thats why I've been bussey liek a BUG lately! So hear si my latest colamn for yuo too reads where I offer informatiaonal advice and clevar wit. AND WHIMSEY!!!
YUO WRITE LIEK A RETARD
USE TEH KEYBOARD NEXT TIEM TO TYPE AND MAYBE ILL UNDARSTAND YUO AND REPLY BUT UNTIL THEN GO DIG A DITCH AND BURRY YUORSELF IN TEH DITCH AND LIGHT THE DITCH ON FIRE because I dont haev enough tiem to figare out yuor nonsense words, cakeass.
OH HO helpful advice from an AOL emaler! "Helo Jeff yuor page sucks and yuo are suck and dont make fun of me becuase I use AOL because my mom sends pictares of me too grandma on AOL" HELO, YOUVE GOT MALE! FROM SOME FAGOT AOL USAR WHO WIPES HIS ASS WITH PETS!!!~
And yes I am an Amamrican becuase I dont liek those othar countries like Canananadanda and Mexico and Lady Libarty si for me. Amamrican is teh country for me! peopal from foreign countries talk liek nutsos like my science teachar, Mr. Belfinger:
ME (AT SCHOOL): "helo, hear si my science paper Mr. Belfinger."MR BELFINGER: "Ahoy and good tideings, cheerio! poppies and fritz to yuor bloody lorrey, guvnah!"ME: "WHAT?!?!?!?!??!"MR. BELFINGER: "Git that swazzlestick, ye tirannick despot!"ME: "GO BACK TO CUBA YUO BUTTPOPE"
So in conclusian, yuo must be vary proud to use AOL becuase yuo can instant message yuor grandma and talk about her broken hip and why yuor a failure and write in too peopal who hate yuo and run HIGH QUALIETY WEB PAEGES (MY PAGE!)!!!!
YES, CAN YUO SAY "JEFF K'S GONNA POUND YUOR CAKEASS TO HELL?!?!?"
PS: Im glad yuo use Hot Male, ASl?!!??!?!?! haha THAT MEANS "ONLINE SEX":
hooray, that means the funny in my siet outlasted teh funney in yuor emale by what, 5 MINUTES????? hear si a plan for yuo: emale evarybody on teh intarnet and tell them how yuo feel about there siet! Im sure they all care!!!
WEBMASTER OF CNN.COM: "OH NO, HITMIKEY DOSE NOT LIEK MY SITE! TIEM TO JUMP INTO A CANNON AND BLOW ME UP BECUASE HITMIKEY SI TEH CHAMPION OF TEH INTARNET AND WHAT HE SAYS GOES!!!1 he means business!!!"
WEBMASTARAR OF SHUGARSHANCK: "OH NO, HITMIKEY DOES NOT LIEK ME EITHAR, TIEM TOO VISIT TEH LAVA GOD. first post first post babe hunt"
WEBMASTAR OF DONKEYMANSEXLOVE.COM: "oh good, Hitmikey enjoys my siet."
WEBMASTAR OF LETSALLRAPEKITCHENS.COM: "hello, I am Hitmikey."
wow, way too go, fruitbasket!!! Now teh whole Intarnet knows yuor opinon and oh yes, nobodey cares what yuo think so go slam a camal!!1~ GUM GUM GUM GUM!!!! I LOVE GUM!!!!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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