From: Tris
Subject: (no subject)

Jeff, im a recent reader of your 'interesting' site and have noticed that you look somewhat grumpy in your picture. The way you are crossing your arms also seems to suggest that you are somwhat angry. Is this a correct assumption to make, and why were you (if you were) grumpy?

I would also like to ask you a question that would help me very much: 'I am thinking of buying a new PC in the near future. I have decided on many of the minor components but cannot decide on the graphics card. Could you reccomend one?'

Regards,
Tris

I was not grumpey, I was getting my pictare takan at teh Santa Monica pier and I was grumpey becuase I wanted cotton candey but Jerry spent all teh money on ring tossing becuase he wanted teh Charmander doll they were giving away. He didant win it and teh guy working there made fun of Jerry. he saids, "Hey fatty, bettar luck next time, mayebe instead of ring toss yuo should try onion ring toss" and Jerry cried and ran away because all Jerry eats is onion rings and littal smokies!!! AND then jerry got harassed by a bum! AND teh bum screeamed at his hands and ate grass! AND WE SAW A DOG!!!!!!!

For graphics cards yuo will probably should probaly get a VOODOO 5!!! 3DFX went out of buisness because nDIVIA uses undarhanded tactics to smarmsh teh competitian! 3DFX just wanted to maek high qualiety products for teh hardcore gammars, but nDIVIA came in and used strongarm techniques to smarmsh them too DEATH!!! and then they hipnotized Brian Burke into working for them becuase its easy to hypotize peopal from Texas becuase theyre IQ is like -29 TOTAL!!!! HAHAHAHAHHA!!! Texans are teh worst evar. and theyre loud too. so get a KYRO 2 becuase dont buy nDIVIA because I dont know why I just know that nDIVIA si teh biggest company now so that means theyre bad and yuo shouldant buy them becuase BIGGAR = BADDER. and Brian Burke works there now and dont support texans.

From: Carey Teague
Subject: hilarious

Hey, I just wanted to show you how incredibly stupid AOL members really are. I was at some website the other day, and I had to login, you know? Below the login field there was a message written. It said:

If you're using AOL version 4.0 and are having trouble getting in, refresh your browser by hitting the button that looks like a circle with an arrow on it (next to the house button).

Now, I just thought that was hilarious, because they actually had to explain what the refresh button looked like, and even if that didnt help, they said that it was next to the "house button." Now isnt that retarded. K, hope you got a kick out of that. Later.

I DIDANT

From: Sayker Roberts
Subject: Being a God.

Hi JeffK.

I want you to review Black And White, like Daily Radar did, albeit their review sucked cock. Much like Cliffy B. Now, having enjoyed your review on Red Alert 2 (i didn't buy it), it would be cool to get your perspective on the "most highly anticipated game ever". I am worried that the game may in fact suck cock, like Cliffy B, but there is a slight possibility that it is kinda fun, unlike Cliffy B. So please, support consumer awareness and review it.

Truly Yours
Maximillian MacManor.

I dont goes too Dailey Radar anymore becuase I AM NOT INTERESTED IN CREDIT CARDS OR ONLINE SNEAKAR REPAIR OR LUCRATIVE BUSINESS MARKETS!!! but all these popups fly in my face liek a mushroom plant!!! so go to dailey radar if yuo need a new credit card or soemthing so I dont know what yuor talking about!

Black and White si a gaem where yuo raise a creatare to eat a village. there are 5 levals but theyre all teh same. yuo can raise a horse or a pig or a cornstalk. they become evil if yuo dont hit them enough and tie them to trees. if yuo hit them too much them become evil too. and soemtiem they becoem evil just becuase. SO EVARYTHING SI EVIL!!!! Peter Mollynew makes evarything evil so when he murdars something he can blame his parents for not hitting him enough and not chaining him to a FUN TREE BEACHBALL! nice escape clause, yuo bald jerk. I think hes bald. he's a jerk though. "OH SMARTY MAN PETAR MOLLYNEW, YUO SAVED A BABY FROM A BURNING BUILDING AND YUOR GAME SI #1 IN MY HEART I SWOON FOR PETAR!!!" gah

so anyway yuor creatare can make miracles liek rain and fire and wood and firerain and poop. Lots of poop for teh villagars. Petar Mollynew enjoys creatare poop witch si why he made so much of it. then when somebodey says "YUOR GAME IS CRAPPEY" he can say "why yes it is!" and the person will die. also thes gaem has nothing too do with Cliffry B. because Cliggy B, si workeing on UNREAL TOUNRAMINT 2: HALLOWEEN HARRYS REVENGE right now with Tim Sweeetney and theyre trying too figure out how too maek all teh walls more shinney.

From: [email protected]
Subject: English?

I take it "Hooked on Ebonics" you was the only way you got through school cause you can't spell? Its idiots like you that vote for Al Gore or think that you dont need a helmet when riding a motorcycle. Lay off the drugs, get a job, and learn to be a true person in this world. Not an illiterate SOB

oh ho, jump on teh mantrain and maek fun of my speling, eh??? WELL WELL WELL DAVID FREY ARENT YUO A SMARTY MAN!!! liek I saids MANY TIEMS before, I type fastar becuase my fingars are posesed with LIGHTNING SPEEDS and teh ghosts of haX0rs! so Im sorrey I dont SPEEL EVARY SINGAL LITTAL WORD CORRECTLY becuase I have bettar things to do liek go on my SLip and Slide and obviousley yuo have a lot of spare time on yuor hands because yuo can send me emales that go directly into teh idiot pile in my malebox so in conclusian I hope yuor daddy is proud because he raised a GRADE A SPINNING ASS/ (yuo)!!!!

From: [email protected]
Subject: ummmm dude....

...i beleve you are a dumbass....you should realy invest in spellcheck....and maby even school...you are probably still in 2nd grade...you cannot spell...you disrespect good games...you cant hack for your life (yes i saw what you did to that site) and,hopefuly, you dont live long...because you seem the person who will make the hacker sterotype what it is...

HAHAHAHAH

"you should realy invest in spellcheck"

OH "REALY"????

"and maby even school"

"MABY" I SHOULD!!!

MABY YOURe REALY SOME SPINNING ASS TOO! Gahahaha, "oh no Jeff K., yuo cant spell, wah wah wah" go back to makeing love to a rug.

From: William Galaini
Subject: Wanting to be a gamer

Hi there, Jeff. I've been having some trouble playing computer games. You see, my computer is a 100mhz and the monitor is so old that everything is blue. It hurts my eyes to play for longer then five minutes and my speakers make a loud crackling sound that scares my cat. Given these problems, could you recomend a game I could play? If not, what should I do with my computer to make it better? I don't have any money so I can't buy anything. I get kind of jealous when you and others on-line talk about how great certain games are and I can't experience it too. Can you help?

Choyrt

NO

I haev to go now. if yuo want too emales me, emales me hear. I will put yuor lettar into my colamn "MABY" if Im not too bussey liek a bug/ Now I "REALY" haev too go! bye fagorts~

- JEFF K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– Jeff K.

More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

  • We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.