|Henchman Status Update (2 of 4)|
|The status of Velvet Varlet has been changed from ACTIVE to CAPTURED.|
|Name: Matrefucari, Vitorio (CAPTURED)|
Codename(s): Velvet Varlet, Cadsanova, The Pricubus
Join Date: 8-1-03
Primary Role: Wicked Knave
Secondary Role: Bodice shredding, cuckolding, wife taking, wife abandoning, coed grappling, dueling, moustache transportation
Specialties: Rated AAA on the Matsuo All-weather Codpiece, certified on the General Electric Pulse Libidotron, Matsuo Pubic Scrambler, and the Pfester HR-66 "Hatrack" Hydraulic Rectal Hook.
Availability: On Hire (hire)
Average Customer Rating: (rate)
|Circumstance of Contract Liquidation:|
Caught in the act of adult congress with a billionaire tourist's wife by the billionaire tourist. The tourist chased Velvet Varlet onto the balcony where the pair engaged in a vigorous battle with fencing sabres. Though naked as a skylark, Velvet Varlet bested his foe. In so doing he attracted the attention of one of the T.E.A.M. operatives that infiltrated the peninsula by imaginary float plane service. Velvet Varlet attempted to use his mesmerizing musk against the female agent, but she proved to be sexually disinclined towards men and subsequently tasered Velvet Varlet in a sensitive location. No, not his testicles, nor his anus. He was tasered in his (more)
Are you ready to be consistently depressed by how you're throwing your money and life away? Check out Loot Crate's 2015 lineup of upcoming crates!
The Internet is obsessed with the new trailer for Brazilian Star Wars part 2. We break down the action for insight into the upcoming film.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.