Movable ladders provide remote access to "hard to reach" places.

Name: Dementia Circle
Price: $537.63 / month
Pets: At night

  • Holes in wall that provide electricity to your various devices that require electrical current to operate (not included in base rent fee).
  • Some carpeting. Can be used to walk on or to absorb spills.
  • Enclosed ceilings.
  • Rustic "faux-barn" motif will have your friends asking, "Is this some kind of fucking barn or something?"
  • Trash service (will pick up AND deliver).
  • A special "no crack addict" policy. Applicants are asked seriously if they are a crack addict before they can be approved for a lease. Any applicant who attempts to purchase crack from us will be reprimanded.
  • All apartments have been thoroughly inspected for ghosts.
  • Carpets have unique "Chalk Outline" pattern.
  • All faucet knobs have been replaced with knife blades.
  • Spacious ventilation ducts feature easy access for Satan's hellish minions.
  • Free used mattress when you move in. Some re-assembly required. "No stains" model costs extra.
  • Tires of your car "rotated" nightly by Otto.
  • Parking spaces sufficient in size to ensure multiple "character" dimples.
  • On-call dominatrix available daily.
  • Tentacle Devil Penis-free rooms a mere $20 extra.

Leonard Sez:

"When I was 16 years old, I had sex with a woman from Portugal! Only replace the word 'Portugal' with 'my backyard' and the word 'woman' with 'dog'."

More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

  • The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    ‘Toad coin?’ wondered the traveler as he examined the pebble. It did not look all that different from any other pebble, and certainly nothing like a coin. ‘What manner of coin has no head or tail, and bears no seal or flag? Who backs this toad coin, the toad bank? The toad treasury!?’ The traveler laughed, but the toads croaked sternly back at him.

  • Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Spending $10-15 a day on perishable organic dog food is not a sign of a decadent culture in terminal decline, it's actually real good and worth it.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.