Artist's representation.

Name: Nailbiter's Square
Price: 14 pesos / millimeter
Pets: For dinner only

  • Free occasional access to neighbor's apartment.
  • Community storage of midgets and drunks.
  • "Free" evil removal on Tuesday morning.
  • Tennis courts built from asbestos and sprayed with lead paint. Line judge ALWAYS on duty and armed with a copy of "Mortyr", so don't even think about cheating.
  • Trekkies clean your chimney once a month.
  • Easy delivery of "Real Company Food" to your door or bedroom when you sleep.
  • Close to the 'hood. Find your favorite junkies and be shot by them!
  • Free ant farm (unenclosed) with each new apartment referral.
  • Parking lot moans and sweats at night.
  • "Unique" electrical outlet placement.
  • Refrigerator with ice maker. Recently upgraded to produce "clear" ice!
  • To help you conserve electricity, we've installed only .1 amp fuses in your new home.
  • Site of the Home & Garden Network's smash hit, "Gardening With Convicts".
  • We welcome professional and government employees for tenants. We deal frequently with government agencies as we are known far and wide as a government safe-house.
  • You'll enjoy getting to know lovable characters like "Stan" the manager. "Stan" would love to share his DT's and Vietnam flashbacks with you!
  • Our apartments are perfect for children of all ages! On average, white children fetch an extra $50 in our area!

Leonard Sez:

"The moon is made up of over 48 elements, including magnesium, zinc, oak, and rubber!"

More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.

  • Helping Your Real Friends Move

    Helping Your Real Friends Move

    A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.