Artist's representation.

Name: Nailbiter's Square
Price: 14 pesos / millimeter
Pets: For dinner only

  • Free occasional access to neighbor's apartment.
  • Community storage of midgets and drunks.
  • "Free" evil removal on Tuesday morning.
  • Tennis courts built from asbestos and sprayed with lead paint. Line judge ALWAYS on duty and armed with a copy of "Mortyr", so don't even think about cheating.
  • Trekkies clean your chimney once a month.
  • Easy delivery of "Real Company Food" to your door or bedroom when you sleep.
  • Close to the 'hood. Find your favorite junkies and be shot by them!
  • Free ant farm (unenclosed) with each new apartment referral.
  • Parking lot moans and sweats at night.
  • "Unique" electrical outlet placement.
  • Refrigerator with ice maker. Recently upgraded to produce "clear" ice!
  • To help you conserve electricity, we've installed only .1 amp fuses in your new home.
  • Site of the Home & Garden Network's smash hit, "Gardening With Convicts".
  • We welcome professional and government employees for tenants. We deal frequently with government agencies as we are known far and wide as a government safe-house.
  • You'll enjoy getting to know lovable characters like "Stan" the manager. "Stan" would love to share his DT's and Vietnam flashbacks with you!
  • Our apartments are perfect for children of all ages! On average, white children fetch an extra $50 in our area!

Leonard Sez:

"The moon is made up of over 48 elements, including magnesium, zinc, oak, and rubber!"

More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

  • The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    ‘Toad coin?’ wondered the traveler as he examined the pebble. It did not look all that different from any other pebble, and certainly nothing like a coin. ‘What manner of coin has no head or tail, and bears no seal or flag? Who backs this toad coin, the toad bank? The toad treasury!?’ The traveler laughed, but the toads croaked sternly back at him.

  • Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Spending $10-15 a day on perishable organic dog food is not a sign of a decadent culture in terminal decline, it's actually real good and worth it.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.