Unique design insures your apartment will be the "talk of the town"!

Name: Whispering Whisper Pine Forest
Price: $3.14159 / second
Pets: For dinner only
Features:

  • Private stalls to store your mules
  • A room to sleep in, in addition to a room to pee in. If you've been drinking heavily, one room can double for both.
  • Santa Claus-proof doors and windows.
  • We provide a maintenance man with "the chuckles".
  • Free angry hornet's nest under your bed.
  • All-you-care-to-breathe oxygen supply.
  • Track and Field style hurdles in the hallway to the bathroom.
  • Cretin access on Mondays, Thursdays, and Fridays (ONLY).
  • Your own private cemetery awaits you once the berserk Jas-5000 robot kills you.
  • Daily wake-up call from Gus, who will repeatedly ask what you're wearing and if you will be interested in taking it off.
  • Free access to "The Pork Channel"
  • Sand Volleyball Court / Glass Bottle Recycling Area.
  • A Nu-Wav ceiling fan with two paddles to maximize "efficiency".
  • Relive a windy day with our patented WindySounding Air Conditioning.
  • Play "find the shower nozzle" for hours in our luxurious 5-star accommodations.

Leonard Sez:

"If I was a vampire, I'd probably would have killed each and every one of you by now."


More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

  • We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.