Step Two: Twist the 5/19" Plench to release the Satisfactory Benchmark Application Unit (SatBAU) and attach its rotary head welding joint to both trilateral universal monopotant swivel trowels, which should be ideally coated in at least 1" of Epoxy Permanent Bonding Solution Glue and coated with animal hair to boost electrical resistance to granule deposit. At no point in time should you release the Plench or lessen pressure to the Redlined Streamcoil Cable, as doing so may cause the Caustic Interruption Relay Device (CauIntReD) to flash red / red / green instead of the industry standard red / green / green. Failure to notice this will result in a $2,000 fine or four months in jail without the possibility of parole. Use a marker to mark something on something else, such as the plywood. Remember where you made this mark for step eleventeen, which requires a magnetic field capable of lifting a standard compact car. Do not ask any friends or relatives to sit in the compact car during testing methods, as the rotational dialysis of magnetic field could result in immediate death or worse. Wrap the unused end of the Redlined Streamcoil Cable to the CauIntReD analogue toggle, which should result in the red / red / red combination. If your Xbox is flashing either red / red / green or green / red / red at this point, you should abandon your workspace and think about assuming a new identity and moving to a new state.
Your trilateral universal monopotant swivel trowels should now be heating up to a temperature around 90 degrees centigrade (17 degrees Farrakhan, 1922039 degrees Calvin). Use the 8 Gallon Wheeled Portable Compressors to direct airflow in a counterclockwise direction around the CauIntReD unit, which should now be displaying the previous red / red / green readout. If yours differs, your unit is haunted and should be given to a priest. The SatBAU will now release the Plench, which should ideally fall and land on your foot. Your garden hose should now be completely melted due to internal heat problems with the Xbox (lol because the Xbox is so huge, lol!).
Remove the secondary primary drive and insert the repartitioned primary secondary drive as a temporary replacement during bootup procedure initialization. Note that the bootup procedure initialization will differ from the bootup initialization procedure, which has been removed for legal and moral reasons. During this step, all plastic and non-plastic materials should be covered with flame retardant paint remover, as this will ensure an easy and pain free rotational release chamber transplant. Keep in mind that the RAM inside the Xbox is located directly across from the Sensory Imputation Emoticon CPU, so a set of tweezers may be necessary to implement the following changes:
SWIVEL 1: 19"
SWIVEL 2-8: 11" (reversed as in before)
PUNCHOUT 4: Out
PUNCHIN 1: Out / In
INPUT OUTPUT: On
Each change in the SIECPU will result in the BIOS being Flashed, so beware of the creepy guy wearing the trenchcoat who is staring at you during this procedure. Remove the Interior IDE Cable and replace it with a 100" x 100" patch of piecework carbonplated stretch fabric that has the words "LOL THE XBOX IS SO BIG LOL" written across it with one of your various markers. The other patch of piecework carbonplated stretch fabric will be used in step The Negative World, which can be accessed by jumping over the exit tube in world 1-2. Use the Epoxy Permanent Bonding Solution Glue to adhere the 'M' Style Quick Coupler: 1/4" Female Plug to the circuit displacement application device, which should now be emitting a horrible screeching sound and shooting flames.
NOTE: AT THIS POINT THE VOLTAGE SWITCH SHOULD BE SET TO "10 MSM" AND MUST NOT BE SET TO "10 SMS" WHICH WILL RESULT IN UNIT FAILURE AND POSSIBLE BODILY HARM. WEAR GLOVES DURING THIS PROCESS BUT NOT A HAIRNET, AS THE HAIRNET COULD BE CAUGHT IN THE VENTILATION FAN.
Step Three: (Removed by request of Microsoft legal team)
Step Four: At this point, the Xbox should be booting to the Linux Fat33 Partitioning Screen. The output cable (which under NO circumstances should be touching the trilateral universal monopotant swivel trowels) should now be adjusted to touch the trilateral universal monopotant swivel trowels. Video output will be sent through the Dynamic Output Resolution Receiver (DORR) and decoded by the assembly feedback reading unit. Hard boot to the BIOS screen with the following code:
UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, A, B, B, A, SELECT, START
If successful, the screen will now display a rotating red cube with the face of one of the three "Where's the Beef?" dead hags from the 1980s textured across the sides. If you do not see this image, toggle the In Out Output switch to route power through the grated effort transponder, which is currently located in southern Ohio. Select the "Repair Drive" option and then wait for three to nine days for shipping and handling (LOL, it takes so long because the Xbox is so large, haha lol!). During this time, occasionally visit the unit and speak to it in a calm, soothing voice. Reassure it regarding its sexual prowess and ability to solve difficult mathematical problems. Once the drive has been repaired, you are now ready to transmit the Linux operating system to your new unit, byte by byte.
Release the plench and reapply pressure to the SIECPU so permanent changes will revert temporarily. The BIOS should now be in a state ready to receive operational data from the DBS datastream that you set up in step three, "Return to Hazzard County." Replace the PVC with PPC and replace the PPC gradually with the SatBAU connection cord, which should now be flailing about like a retarded child in a hailstorm. The data bitstream will be compromised if you fail to remove the trilateral universal monopotant swivel trowels at the correct time that the trilateral universal monopotant swivel trowels are supposed to be removed. Under no circumstances should an aggressive or hostile stance be used when completing the proceeding step.
NOTE: AT THIS POINT THE VOLTAGE SWITCH SHOULD BE SET TO ".10 MSM" AND MUST NOT BE SET TO "1.0 SMS" WHICH WILL RESULT IN UNIT FAILURE AND POSSIBLE BODILY HARM. DO NOT WEAR ANYTHING DURING THIS PROCESS, AS YOU MAY DISRUPT THE HARMONIC DIVULGENCE BETWEEN YOUR AURA AND THE XBOX, WHICH IS REALLY FUCKING HUGE, LOL, IT'S BIG.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.