At a Glance:Every alien species out there wants to invade earth, from the Martians, to their neighbors the Venusians, to that guy who fell asleep on the launch pad of Apollo and ended up getting caught in the rocket and carried to the moon. To them earth is a prime real estate prospect and we're just a bunch of fleshy barbarians waiting to hand it over to our alien overlords. But what's that? It seems every time the aliens try to invade the earth just when we seem beaten our perseverance manages to overcome the alien invaders and either drive them away (in the case of a trilogy) or destroy them completely. Sometimes it's our technology, sometimes it's our courage, hell sometimes it's bacteria or puppies that beat the aliens. Whatever it is that inevitably sticks a fork in these foul aggressors, whatever their reasons for invading the earth, it's a safe bet that a plucky hero will somehow be involved.

Literary Hack Sub-Genre: Alien Invasions.


Chapter One - This Quiet Planet of the Earth

Old Man Holsterhead and his faithful dog inspect the alien landing site.Old man Holsterhead sat whittling on his chair on the porch of his store that sold sticks that he had whittled down into smaller sticks. The store was called "Whittle N' Such" and was situated on main street in the town of Bumption, Illinois. Bumption was a one horse town they said even though there were three horses in town they weren't very smart so the mayor counted them as one single horse. The store was closed for the day and old man Holsterhead was enjoying the summer evening with the crickets and the heat and some lemonade and things like that.

Suddenly, a bright light appeared in the sky, and moved down to the ground and then hit the ground and made a bigger bright light and a really loud sound like two buckets being slammed together only louder.

"What in the Sam Hill?" asked old man Holsterhead to his dog Sam Hill.

His dog did not reply and so Holsterhead went inside his store and got his shotgun which he used to keep uppity customers from trying to steal his whittled sticks. The light had touched down by the creek right across the street, and if Holsterhead had remembered his glasses he would not have to walk over to check it out because there was a giant metal object rising three football fields and a baseball field's length into the sky. But old man Holsterhead did not bring his spectacles with him to work so he took his shotgun and his dog and a backpack full of baseballs (just in case) over to the creek. Suddenly, he arrived at the creek and was standing in front of the metal object that he could not see all the way across the street and up close he realized the sheer bigness of it. It was really big.

Suddenly there was a sound like an accordion being thrown against a wall made out of cooked spaghetti. Holsterhead turned quickly. Sam Hill turned almost as quickly but he was an old dog, older in dog years than Holsterhead was old in human years. Standing ten feet away was the biggest, ugliest, smelliest, Chinese man that Holsterhead had ever seen.

"Did you wreck your bus mister?" asked Holsterhead of the Chinaman, trying to be polite even though he read in the newspaper that Chinamen were responsible for crimes.

The Alien Soldier is as terrible a thing as the human imagination can fathom and maybe more than the human imagination can fathom for at least thirty or forty years.The Chinaman did not reply with words, because he was not a Chinaman but actually an alien soldier from the moon's unknown very small moon Evilolous. If old man Holsterhead could see him clearly he would realize that instead of a straw hat, buck teeth, a pony tail, and thick glasses, the alien soldier actually had a giant beak with tentacles coming out, hands that ended in axe-blades, four eyes at the tips of long stalks, and a skin that looked like leather if you poured molasses on it. It looked like a horror from an H.P. Lovecraft novel!

"I can't hear you," said Holsterhead, fumbling with the volume dial on his hearing device.

The alien shot him with a ray gun and he turned into a pile of dust because his whole body caught fire really fast. The alien laughed and then shot Sam Hill too and he turned into a smaller pile of dust, because Sam Hill was a dog and dogs are smaller than people and alien particle ray guns burn them just like a normal fire would only a lot faster.

More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.