Step Five: Your 15x15x15" should now be on fire and the Xbox should be rotating on the Utility Display Enclave you created with the 22 degree plastic collated full-round-head nail Round Head Framing Nailer Kit. If the Xbox fails to rotate correctly, call a physician immediately and DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY INTO THE VORTEX THAT IS BEING CREATED BENEATH THE XBOX'S ROTATIONAL PATTERN. THE VORTEX WILL CREATE PLEASING SHAPES AND COLORS THAT COULD CAUSE PERMANENT PARALYSIS. Wrap 14 inches of the PVC PPC PVP across the flange rotary phaser and set all variables to "Automatic Buster" which will drop the area effect temperature by 50 degrees Farahfaucett.
NOTE: AT THIS POINT YOU MAY BE DEAD. IF SO, PLEASE DISCONTINUE PROJECT "LINU-XBOX" AT ONCE AND SEEK MEDICAL HELP.
Step Six:(Removed by request of Pope)
Step Seven: Congratulations, you are now only 76 steps away from having Linux running on your Xbox! You're 7/83rds of the way there! Use 46 Feet of Yorba Linda certified water pressure component hose (w/ valve and routing attachments) to retract pressure from the IR1033 3/8" Stubby Standard Duty Air Ratchet Wrench, which one of your neighbors should have asked to borrow by now. Fix the application pressure level to an acceptable standard as required by your local county law. This level will have a direct dependence on the effects of your XBox's saving throw vs. alchemy, so be sure to obtain the proper legal forms before inserting the retractable hexagonal diametric system into the SIECPU or else area effect damage may occur.
Diagram 3 or 1 or 9 or something
You may notice ice crystals beginning to form on the Lead Retrieval System underlining the base of the XBox's Transformation and Molestation GPU. This is normal and should be expected unless you are using an inferior brand of Teflon microbe repellent spray. To counteract these effects, apply the valve and routing attachment to the SIECPU's waste mechanism, which should ideally be seated in the children's wading pool full of empty beer cans in your backyard.
Step Eight: (Removed by request of Microsoft Legal Pope)
Step Nine: IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ!!! THIS STEP IS CRITICAL TO
(steps nine through 82 destroyed in fire which killed our lead engineer)
Step 83: Congratulations! Your Xbox should now successfully run Linux! You now have the potential to run any game from the seemingly unlimited selection of Linux-exclusive games, which include "Move the Red Boxes to the Right" and "Bill Gates is a Fag, LOL!" which were created in under 15 minutes by men who weigh 650 pounds and spend all day on IRC. Make sure to keep your Necessary Optional Power Generation Unit operational at all times or else your Xbox will detonate and send white-hot plastic shards of death through your fleshy skull. You have now shown the world how remarkably intelligent and resourceful you are by turning a functioning game unit into a nonfunctioning black box which can do something with tarballs or whatever. Make sure to stick your precious Linux penguin sticker on the console so everybody else is aware of what a stud you are. For the final step, use (1) loaded shotgun to blow your head up because if you have so much free time you can spend days, weeks, or months trying to install a different operating system on a game console which would render it completely useless, you really deserve to donate your brain fragments to the plaster wall behind you.
The Xbox, before
The LinuXbox, after
We hope you enjoy your brand new plastic hunk of Linux!
PS: Where is our $200,000, you Xbox Linux Project dorks?!? You can send it to us through Paypal if you want.
PPS: Seriously, where the fuck is our $200,000?
Did you know that you only use 10% of your brain? You may have heard that before. But what if you could use 100%? YOU CAN!
This is where the excerpt from an article usually goes. Since the content of this update is only intended for cool people, I refuse to place a single word in the path of blundering normal people.
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