With my family established I picked out a house. Nothing too fancy for the newlyweds. Just a little two-bedroom with a reasonable mortgage and enough room for the family to grow.

You would think moving into a new home would give the happy couple plenty to think about, but they had grander aspirations.

The house came unfurnished, so I took a few minutes to give Duke and Fifa some decent furniture. I also added a touch of class to every room with some beautiful candelabras. Nothing says "class" quite like smoke streaks up your walls!

More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

  • SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.