Lowtax - Crazy little bastards steal my hearing aid and hide it in their litter box and then I got to go get it and put it back in my ear. Sometimes I don't get all the litter off it and when I'm out training the bats to shit, a piece will fall into my ear canal and get stuck in there.
Chiefs Fan - Why don't you wash it off before putting it in?
Lowtax - One time I had to go to the hospital because a clump got stuck in my ear and I couldn't get the damn thing out. My wife got a pencil and stuck it in my ear and all it did was push it in further. Meanwhile, the bats are just going crazy, screeching and shitting all over the damn place, and the ferrets are running around with my car keys and wallet and shit. We had to get a ride to the hospital from our next door neighbors, God bless their souls.
Chiefs Fan - To the hosptial/?
Lowtax - Yeah, it was a really bad day, believe me.
Chiefs Fan - Why do you have so many animals?
Lowtax - My wife loves animals. She picks up strays, like you I guess. Ferrets are illegal in California, so people let them go and we find them all over the place here.
Chiefs Fan - My roomate had a ferrett in college.
Lowtax - In college? I never knew ferrets were so smart.
Lowtax - Anyway, some of these animals are all messed up. Like we've got this dog, Barker, and he's missing an eye so he's got no depth perception at all.
Chiefs Fan - Awwwwwwwww that's so sad : ( I'm sorry : (
Lowtax - That's okay. He's just in real bad shape. I was playing reverse fetch with him one day, where I hold the ball and call for him to come to me and get it, and since he cant see worth a shit, the dog runs at me and just keeps going and falls off the edge of the deck.
Chiefs Fan - Was he okay?
Lowtax - Yeah, but he wrecked the pile of logs I had stacked below. I had to spend two hours rebuilding them.
Chiefs Fan - How many animals do you have?
Lowtax - Counting the bats?
Chiefs Fan - No, just dogs and cats and ferretss.
Lowtax - About 13 today, although it could change anytime. My wife picks up any stray animal she sees.
Chiefs Fan - It sounds crazy in there!
Lowtax - Yeah, it's a regular madhouse. I had to buy a laptop because the damn ferrets chewed through the computer wires and stored all their food inside the fan.
Lowtax - I took the damn thing to CompUSA and they pulled like 10 pounds of ferret food from inside the case.
Chiefs Fan - LOL : )
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
Our Something Awful ICQ pranks target the worst and most idiotic folks on the Internet. Believe it or not, these ICQ pranks are all - unfortunately - real.