Alas, it was not meant to be, as the dreaded Chris Lewis, Director of Communicating to Communicators, decided to get a little nasty!
Dear Mr. Kyanka,
It's sad to see that your judgment is as poor as the quality of your site.
You see, it is our position that you are taking the liberal position - claiming First Amendment protection for something that clearly goes beyond the scope of protected speech as envisioned by the Founding Fathers. The First Amendment should not and cannot be construed to defend violation of others' intellectual property rights or to libel them (which is the case here) or to offend others' sense of morality (which is the case with pornography, etc.). Your attack is so malicious and baseless that it is wholly without merit. Even when these violations come from someone as relatively inconsequential and unsuccessful as yourself, they must be addressed properly.
I am not going to debate conservativism versus liberalism with you. I have put you on notice that you are libelling my client, and you have responded in a fashion that is evidence that you have received that notice and do not intend to comply with our simple requests. I was, however, somewhat amused by your offer of a forum to Warrior - like if he's going to make a public statement, it would be to you? Right.
You've expressed your thoughts clearly. Just remember now - we gave you a fair chance to resolve this amicably.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, was when Mr. Chris' unbridled rage began manifesting itself like that fruity pink slime from "Ghostbusters 2." I assumed there was nothing I could do to stop the avalanche of legal death about to descend upon me, so I decided to roll with the punches. How could I possibly argue with somebody such as Chris Lewis, who was able to channel the ghosts of the Founding Fathers through his First Amendment obsessed brain?
Dear Mr. Director of Communications,
I look forward to your exciting lawsuit! I simply cannot wait to read the next exciting, action-filled update by Mr. Warrior detailing how the Internet is a vast liberal plot to destroy humanity and make the entire Earth blow up like a gigantic cake crammed full of homosexuals and foreigners. Both of you remind me how all political extremities, both far left and far right, embrace the exact same rhetoric. God bless America, the land of the lawsuit and the home of the offended. May you and your bicycle streamer-wearing boss both enjoy a successful libel / slander / intellectual copyright / insane washed up "pro" wrestler lawsuit against me. I have but one request: can "Mean" Gene Okerlund be present in the court when your boss testifies against me?
At this point, you should probably get ready for the insanity. Strap yourself into your chair. Wedge in a mouth guard. Cancel any appointments you may have for the next decade because Chris Lewis, spokesperson for THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR, is here to get creepy wacko on your collective stank asses!
For example, your address:
Did you know that for only $1 someone can go to the post office, fill out a simple form, and find out the street address of the individual who rented the box?
I also know that your wife's name is Megan, and that you two were married on February 13, 2005. I've also tracked down a street address and telephone number for "another" Richard Kyanka. I actually called this telephone number. This was either you or your father. A terrible shame that you don't have the balls to claim your own name, little man. Speaking of little man, I've also managed to track down a couple of pictures of you, which I've attached to this email. You should really spend less time typing away at your computer and a little more time in the gym. Those arms of yours look like spaghetti. And those rosy-red cheeks of yours are quite manly, as well. Bottom line - if you're going to talk tough, you need to be prepared to back that up. To use the old (but in this case, appropriate) cliche, you're letting your mouth write checks that your body can't possibly cash.
Listen - this isn't going to turn out the way you want it to, Richard. Given that you attended Vanderbilt University, you're ostensibly a smart fellow. By now, I'm sure that you're aware of the fact that you're in the wrong by permitting outright libel against Warrior on your website. I'm also sure that you realize that you've only made matters worse for yourself by passing along my email address to your minions so they can harass or threaten me. How cowardly of you to bring in others when you simply lack the fortitude to stand up for yourself! At this point, I've already tracked down two of the emails from your fans - one from Truman State University and one from Sonoma State University. I've had long talks with the IT supervisors at each school. The young men that YOU brought into what could have otherwise been a simple and civil disagreement are now facing disciplinary actions - including suspension from their respective universities - because they were foolish enough to bite on your plea to have your little followers harass or threaten me. I'm sure you're going to swear up and down that you had nothing to do with this escalation. Yet, this is one situation in which you're not going to be able to escape responsibility for your actions.
Your ego has gotten the better of you, Richard. I see by reading a bit of your site that you've been threatened before. However, you're in the big leagues now. This is serious business. Warrior fought a five-year legal battle with Titan Sports to secure ownership of his character - and he prevailed. You're little more than a fly to be swatted to Warrior and myself. And Richard, when we swat a fly - we swat the hell out of it.
As you can plainly see, we've progressed from "lawsuit threats" to "stalking families and calling people ugly." Now I'm no lawyer, but I'm not too sure that's how the legal system normally operates. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say "maybe." So Chris Lewis, Director of Directing the ULTIMATE WARRIOR, is now talking about my wife, parents, rosy-red cheeks, beating me up, and something about flies and fly swatters. And serious business. All that.
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
Many people love to threaten to sue us. Luckily we have both Leonard "J." Crabs and common sense on our side, thus enabling us to easily defeat such trivialities. Remember - when you're on the Internet, you can threaten to sue for anything!