Dogs have recently evolved the ability to climb ladders, putting the human race in grave jeopardy. Already the Chinese have militarized ladder-climbing dogs, and I do not think it will be long before Americans do the same. The act of sending dogs up ladders as opposed to humans is obviously tempting, but in my opinion the cost is too high.
If we allow dogs to gain a foothold in the realm of ladders, it is only a matter of time before they master ropes and other climbing mechanisms. Perhaps then they will even develop a taste for flight. When this occurs, mankind will lose control of higher elevations, as we lack the sharp teeth that have previously given dogs an evolutionary advantage over us in ground-based matters. Until recently, ladders had been our way of reminding dogs of their place in this world.
Dogs climbing ladders is in contrast to the fundamental laws of nature, wherein ladders do not occur without human intervention. The introduction of ladders into the world is promoting unnatural evolutionary developments in the canine species. In thousands of years it is possible that dogs will have evolved into a race of ladder climbing predators, and man will lose mastery over ladders forever.
What will we climb up to escape them then? Stairs? They've long had stair skills. Elevators? That takes no special talent. Escalators? Scary, but doable for them. Rope? They always manage to get a good grip on rope, and our hands are so soft and our skin so gentle. We've got to do something now while we still have a handle on the situation.
Livestock: moof perhaps we should come up with some alternative uses for ham
Moof: such as an antiseptic cream??
Livestock: a wedge of ham could serve as an ideal doorjamb
Moof: ham makes a great pillow for a quick nap
Livestock: ham is a window into the soul
Moof: a slice of ham is ideal for scraping ice off your car's windshield
Livestock: if you are charged with watching somebody's child and you accidentally misplace the child and the child is never seen or heard from again, a ham dressed in one of the child's outfits will fool just about any parent
Moof: we should put this in a book
Livestock: which book? i would like to maybe put it inside a book about ducks so readers view it as a pleasant surprise. like one minute ducks and then all of a sudden: ham.
Moof: that would be a great surprise and maybe we could put a slice of ham between the pages to sweeten the deal (it would be honey roasted ham)
Livestock: moof what if we just made a book of ham
Livestock: and the pages were ham
Livestock: and the words carved into the ham like ancient curses upon flesh
Livestock: this is a book safe to leave in your oven - unlike other books, which will catch fire if left in the oven!!
Moof: it is not safe to leave with a dog
Moof: as other books are
Livestock: i suppose we could coat the book with poison??
Moof: yes certainly
Livestock: moof someone ought to come up with chewing ham
Livestock: like tobacco but ham
Moof: that would be amazing
Livestock: moof a lot of rookies make the mistake of trying to eat their ham radios
Livestock: this is a fool's errand; the ham radio is not made out of actual ham
Moof: well they do sound delicious
Moof: also hammocks
Moof: and hamsters :(
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Moof and Livestock discuss life, love, human nature, and all the most important issues affecting humanity.