Of Hot Dogs, Wedges, and Freedom with Tom "Moof" Davies

Livestock: mof do you ever go to jerome, az
Moof: nope
Moof: never
Moof: why
Livestock: WE WILL PLAY FRISBEE THERE
Moof: honestly livestock i rarely go that side of the I-17
Livestock: moof do you want to quit your job and move to jerome, az with me to open a hot dog stand
Moof: yes please
Moof: please please please
Livestock: okay i'll buy the hotdogs, you get the stand
Moof: ok i am on it!!
Livestock: moof you will push the hot dog stand all down the day
Livestock: moof i think i will invest in a wedge
Livestock: do you know why
Moof: why
Moof: to keep doors open??
Livestock: because when you buy us our hot dog cart i will want to make sure it does not roll down the side of the mountain. jerome is famous for its slopes.
Livestock: a well placed wedge will keep the cart stationary even on a slope
Moof: that is very true
Moof: which model of hot dog cart should we get
Moof: i was thinking the chicago
Livestock: moof i would not want to settle for anything less than professional
Moof: that is expensive :(
Livestock: the people of jerome, az won't think highly of a bunch of buffoons with a mere chicago style hot dog cart.
Livestock: it will pay for itself in customer satisfaction
Moof: hmm maybe
Livestock: and each day after you pull the cart up the road, we can ride it down at night
Moof: hmm jerome, az

TWO DAYS LATER

Moof: please do not give up on our hot dog and bee business
Livestock: where do the bees come in??
Moof: free bee with each hot dog??
Livestock: moof that is absurd
Moof: is not
Livestock: how about beehives and we offer honey dogs
Moof: ok
Livestock: moof maybe we could just sell hot dog stands from a lot in jerome, az???
Moof: yes okay okay yes yes yes
Livestock: and if the government tries to meddle in our affairs
Livestock: we will have the high ground
Livestock: we will sell guns on the side
Livestock: and store them in the hot dog carts
Moof: yes :)
Livestock: and if those jack booted thugs ever try to stop us, we'll fight them off while eating hot dogs
Moof: yes :)
Livestock: we will be unstoppable
Livestock: and then
Livestock: when all is lost and it seems as though we won't survive the night
Livestock: we will release the bees
Moof: yes :)
Moof: it will be like the end of SERENITY
Livestock: moof we will roll the hot dog carts down the mountain, with bombs inside
Livestock: we will achieve this plan through one simple action: removing the wedges i bought
Moof: those wedges are a godsend :)
Livestock: a wedge can divide men and fuel fires, but it can also give strength and stability if placed just right.
Livestock: it is our understanding of the nature of the wedge that will give us strength over our enemies
Moof: yes :)
Moof: it is thinner at one end than at the other
Moof: that is the concept of the wedge
Livestock: this is true
Livestock: physics come into play as well
Moof: sometimes...
Livestock: moof and after we survive jerome maybe we can just go into business making wedges
Moof: it is a growing market
Moof: the bigger the wedge the thicker you can make it
Livestock: the question is, are we making wedges to divide, or to unite
Livestock: and the answer is: that is not for us to say
Livestock: it is for the customer
Moof: we are making them for stability
Livestock: certainly but if a customer were to purchase one of our wedges (for example a size 40 oak "Fire Breather" wedge, retail price $79.99), they could use it to divide if they so choose.
Moof: yes correct
Moof: i do not want the government to control wedges as they do with firearms
Moof: that is my concern
Moof: that is why we must market them as stabilizers and bringers of joy
Livestock: we will for now
Livestock: but a well placed wink will let our customers know that we are not there to enforce proper wedge usage
Moof: yes exactly
Moof: americans have the right to choose
Livestock: i think we will corner the wedge market
Moof: i believe in the right to wedge choice
Moof: that would make a good slogan since wedges are sort of like corners
Livestock: you can place a wedge in a corner to eliminate corners as well
Moof: we are not educated
Moof: that is why we must turn to a trade
Moof: not a science
Livestock: we are not merely traders, we are driving a wedge into life itself
Moof: yes :(
Moof: we are dividers
Moof: livestock i dont want a wedge ever to come between us
Livestock: we will not allow that
Livestock: some people will try to buy our wedges and use them as ramps to get to higher ground
Moof: we cant let that happen
Livestock: that is the wedgemaker's worst nightmare
Moof: yes

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

More Mooflogs

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.

  • Helping Your Real Friends Move

    Helping Your Real Friends Move

    A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.