Aaaaaa look back!
David Thorpe, noted psychic, drives around in his car and predicts how the people who pass him will die. Featuring plenty of grim humor and a special cameo by The Rocketeer. Please note that this update is in streaming audio format, ready to be poured directly into your waiting ear.
The white nightmare is upon the land! When snow unexpectedly blankets the roads and sidewalks of your town be prepared to survive the horrors of snowdeath.
After conquering everything around him, Volggrimr the Warrior King applies to graduate school to become a Master of History.
Detective, we've got a real noggin-scratcher on our hands. A maid discovered the bodies of the Duke of Monte Carlo, the President of Monte Carlo, and the King of Monte Carlo in the V.I.P. lounge of the Monte Carlo Casino.
The Clavo Times' showbiz reviewer Moneymaker Don Johnson takes on the 2007 Lambspoke Penitentiary Christmas Pageant.
No one can provoke a psychotic hatred of the holidays quite like these fine human specimens.
North American Panopticon's Chairman Petteridge is showing his holiday gratitude by serving up a sample of his smash hit upcoming book Last Meals / Last Words: Holiday 2007 Edition.
I'm not sure if this was intentional - and I could be reading too much into it - but it seems like a lot of the Na'vi traits are animalistic, like they're more in tune with nature than the humans or something.
A year ago America voted for a new direction and elected Crime King as President, but the first year of his presidency has been just more of the same.
Find out how rich people just like you are coping with the recession.
The number one danger facing tiny homeowners is bugs. Will bugs take over my tiny house and turn it into some terrible bug den? They will--if you let them. Bugs simply do not respect personal property rights. Seeing a worm pop up out of the ground and tower over your tiny home can be extremely traumatizing.
You might have noticed the little keywords that appear on every movie you look up on IMDB.com-- things like "female nudity" or "father son relationship." You may also have noticed that you can search and sort movies by these keywords, helping you find every single movie to ever feature "male frontal nudity."
North American Panopticon, the world's largest private corrections provider, would like to extend holiday tidings to you and yours.
All I ever wanted was to play with a Sega Saturn. But since I was poor, I knew it would never happen. Then one day Alyxander, the richest kid in the fourth grade, gave me an opportunity. I followed him into madness only to watch him literally crush my dream. No one should be subjected to what I’ve seen.
Dr. Attelman what are your weaknesses? You can respond in earnest. I am a friend. Do you have an aversion to the surface of the sun? Have you built up an immunity to household blood thinners? Is there any particular time when you absolutely would not be able to hear the engine of an approaching Segway?
Just a few of the incredible facts and observations I have picked up from the Internet Movie Firearms Database.
Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka always tells me "when all else fails, write about your pets." Well, all else has failed, despite the promise that my "creative side will shine forth with exceptional ideas." Thanks for nothing, fortune cookie jerk!
Michael Ironside stars as 1984's LA Night Cop. By day he is computer expert Denny Patton, but by night he is tough patrol cop Night Cop who is out to clean up the mean night streets of Los Angeles.
Welcome back, Cycnus Station Resident! DynaMars Corporation is committed to keeping you updated on all relevant station news. Today's highlights: exciting new holiday protocols, amazing scientific breakthroughs in the field of urination, and a surprise visit from the Lunar City Children's Choir! Please enjoy!
Global warming makes the Egyptian pyramids explode in gigantic fireballs. An American tourist in the process of snapping a photograph looks at the camera in his hands with a comic expression, then tosses it over his shoulder.
Musgrave Global Solutions reports on their pork business, including the introduction of a new breed of pigs called "hoggins."
When the fantasies portrayed by male hygiene product commercials come true, an important question arises: how do you kill what's already dead inside?
I've recently become quite an expert on Modern Warfare 2 multiplayer. By examining my perpetual cycle of failure, I have devised the following flawless Modern Warfare 2 tips and tricks to ensure victory.
Rustlr.com lets you hoot and holler to your little heart's content with thousands of your fellow cowpokes! This week, thousands of curious cowhands and ornery cusses headed down to the Pinnacle CowboyWorld Expo to learn about the latest in lasso technology...
We are the dominant life inhabiting this planet. This is the story of our excellence. These are our achievements and achievements yet to come. We are the greatest.
If the wrapping paper appears to be made of a solid diamond, there is good news and bad news. The good news is that you are holding a very large diamond. The bad news is that you won't be able to open it.
Maybe those fake islands weren't such a great idea. Get late-breaking news on Dubai's financial collapse courtesy of greatnewsdubai.ae, Dubai's #1 emirate-run English language news website.
A guide to eating food, spending time with family, and all the other inconveniences of a dud holiday.
The cruelty of your village towards wizards will be repaid a thousandfold by my powers. Prepare yourselves for punishment.
Edgar Degas was a pioneer of Impressionism that sought to capture the natural beauty of horses in many of his works. Ask any horse art expert - typically located at the front desk of your town's Horse Art & Horse Bag Depot or the iHorse Store, where they are known as eQuine Geniuses - and they'll tell you that Degas was the best at horses.
Look to Russia and you will see the future of the United States. That's as good a reason as any to enjoy these fresh headlines from Newsheadline.ru, Russia's premier news aggregator website.
Ladies' night is a great chance to let loose and have a fun time with your gal pals. Order a drink, relax, and forget about your problems. No boys allowed. It's ladies' night.
I'm sure folks been telling you about how Tooth Tooth tasted the unclean meats of a swine and was corrupted. Yeah, kid, I wouldn't believe it either. How could it be so? How could Tooth Tooth, a noble original black man, let the gamey flesh of a snouted ungulate pass the uncorrupted lips he use to impart righteous truth upon his brothers?
Introducing Web 2.0's mega poet: E.E.CUMMINGZ. Something Awful has collected just a few of his poems from his vast body of work.
As I pissed into the urinal, I gazed at the largest public collection of pubic hair in the country. It was, for a brief moment, spellbinding, almost, in fact, beautiful. But who piled so many strands? And why?
At first glance our working stiff here appears to have hung himself, but it was only meant to look that way. Note the multiple chainsaw wounds.
The Wendy Show archive from Wendy's final November 1st broadcast. This document is made available for your eyes only. The dissemination of any information contained within is strictly forbidden.
A woman becomes obsessed with the belief that there are too many boxes in the world. She submits the complaint "too many boxes" to the police department. Her note eventually ends up in the inbox of the Box Control division. The crusty box detective agrees to take the case.
As I noted in my last letter, Mr. Stormbeard's estranged wife returned home. Her arrival sparked a fresh wave of violent, supernatural events. As the couple bickered and argued, the entire neighborhood seemed to quake. This problem has only intensified with the arrival of Scott, Mr. Stormbeard's teenage son and drug addict.
ISS Commander Lt. Col. AJ Tucker answers the age-old question, "What do astronauts miss most?" He also includes the answers to several questions not asked.
If our forums were any indication, Dragon Age: Origins was not only destined to be terrible, but there was a good chance its cloth map would serve as a vehicle for smallpox.
The Wendy Show show log archives from October 16th through October 30th 2009. This covers the final run of the show prior to the incident. DESTROY ALL COPIES AFTER READING.
Bob "BobServo" Mackey is celebrating his 100th Something Awful article, and you're invited!
With the economy in the hands of Mos Eisley bandits and your personal finances in ruins, this is going to be a difficult holiday shopping season. Thankfully there is a retailer that not only understands your budgetary restraints, but also respects your delicate and uncompromising sensibilities.
Recently, alas, a boast passed Dorroile's glistening teeth that could not be ignored. Our hearing of it was not perfect, said as it was in a noisome atmosphere of Dorroile's own devising, but reasonably certain are we of the general ideage: that Dorroile either has or is a god.
An archive of episode descriptions for TV's The Wendy Show from October 1st through October 15th. These descriptions are made available to security clearances Ruby-4 and higher.
I know you probably think that if you were in a war, you would do something brave like jump on a grenade, and I don’t want to ruin your imagination, but how do you expect to do something that powerful when your cowardice permeates your every move? Maybe you should try following these tips.
I am almost certain it is not an owl. My ex-girlfriend believed it to be a penguin, and her stubbornness on the matter greatly contributed to our separation. Hello, Tracy, penguins aren't even birds. They're warm-blooded. Christ.
ISS Mission Commander AJ Tucker has a long and very distressing history with Halloween. Unfortunately, the Young Astronauts program is celebrating Halloween.
"Halloween III: Season of the Witch" marked a notable departure for the franchise, in that it was not a horror film about a serial killer but instead a documentary about the rise and fall of a colorful toy magnate. Something Awful has a treat for you: An interview with that movie's controversial central figure, Conal Cochran.
Josh says to heck with the surface world! He's headin' underground to start anew in CaveLife, the fun new game where you get your own virtual cave to decorate with awesome stalagmites and more! Play free now!
African-American black ops agent Stan Freeman has had just about enough of his bosses and coworkers at the CIA.
The last few years have been good for independent games and incredible for bullshit indie games. If you can combine a slightly altered version of fl0w with a gameplay mechanic from another game you didn't make, you're golden. Incorporate some vague symbolism and/or text that tries way too hard to be clever and you're this week's game of the year.
Spooky Steve dishes the dirt on this season's spookiest sound effects CDs!
When a genius looks at a tree, he instantly takes in not just its natural beauty but its scientific complexity: the ornate fractal patterns of its branches; the inscrutable calculus of its emotions; the gentle hissing of its photosynthesis. A genius like me has upwards of four thoughts about a tree before he even leans in to take a bite of it.
A gangbang can be a great thing, but even great things have flaws. Let's acknowledge those flaws and that way we can make a great thing (gangbangs) even greater.
Balloon Boy, when the wreckage of your balloon was discovered without you, the breaths of millions caught at the exact same moment. It was 9/11 all over again. It was Pearl Harbor and the assassination of JFK and the release of Spore all rolled into one. From riveted enthusiasm to heartbreak in mere seconds.
A Megan Fox obsession and a bowling team are threatened by one man's torrid romance with a tiny-faced waitress at the bowling alley.
Johnny, we would like to talk to you about your drawings. No, no, they're not bad. They're very impressive. We just have some... questions.
Prior to the invention of modern conveniences such as malls, the Internet, and /pizza, man had to rely on mail-order catalogs to acquire vital supplies. As it happens, my family happened to run one of the most successful of these catalogs, and provided a developing nation with tools, clothes, seeds, and countless other essential items.
Democrats finally get the chance to anonymously voice their complaints in a display of gutless whining.
Aside from the game's deep space setting, Dead Space had a lot in common with Event Horizon. Both borrowed heavily from big titles that came before them, both were so we well-executed that they overcame their potential to be completely forgettable, and both were set in deep space.
ISS Mission Commander Lt. Col. AJ Tucker is become death, destroyer of moons. He explains the LCROSS moon exploder mission to grade school kids.
Jump into the Something Awful time machine and visit an era where people had a less enlightened view about monster-on-monster love.
By now many of you have read David Thorpe's recent article about me. At the end of his diatribe, he practically begged me to fire back and play his silly games. Instead, I want to write about something positive. Quite simply, David Thorpe is my friend. He's a great guy with a terrific brother. A really, really great brother.
To regular readers of this site, Joshua "Livestock" Boruff is the familiar byline on dozens of your favorite columns on fur trapping, mars colonization and dogblogging. What's less familiar, however, is the substance of the man. The bizarre truth of his existence is so morbidly fascinating that the journalist in me can't hold back any longer...
Are you a douchebag? Do you like things made specifically for douchebags? Then welcome to Douchebag Gear. This week we review electronic cigarettes.
What the hell are you doing? Drumming? No you aren't. You're just bashing your fat fingers against your steering wheel. Stop it. Stop it forever.
I was just like you once. Had Lupus. Was a 'person of interest' in a series of drive-thru window robberies. Then I got the Power Chair, and everything changed.
Astronaut Lt. Col. AJ Tucker profiles the crew of the International Space Station and responds to a questionnaire from grade school kids back home.
America faces serious economic and cultural problems. I have a solution, but it requires goats. Lots of goats.
In the annals of history, few men have had as great and lasting an impact on the human condition as Benjamin Franklin. If we were to get specific and name those other few men, they would be Imhotep, Caligula, Robert Oppenheimer, and Jakob Dylan respectively. But this article is not about them. This article is dedicated to Ben Franklin.
Chicago's cabbies are fighting for the right to charge a $50 puke surcharge to passengers. This new puke service will be just one of many premium Chicago services.
In the episode "Portal to Hell", the portal to Hell that the team encounters does not appear to be a portal to Hell, but a regular portal from the video game Portal. Upon closer inspection, the entire episode seems to be a 45-minute clip of gameplay footage from Portal with the user interface blurred out.
Due to BS economic problems revolving around corrupt fat cats Dave Mustaine's wig shop is closing its doors after 20 years of service. Take advantage of his wig shop one last time!
Can a comedy web site help you find a job? Admit it, you'll try anything at this point.
Like most human beings occupying this fragile sphere, I am driven by an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. I spend at least 20-30 minutes each day positively yearning for knowledge. And I yearn hard. I presume that you, like me, also yearn a great deal. Thus, I have prepared a hardy sampling of empirical facts for your perusal.
Summer may be coming to a close, but the Internet Discount Barn is still offering the HOTTEST bargains around! Since 1994, the IDB has offered the lowest prices on the least desirable items-- not to get all OG on this shit, but Woot totally ripped us off, and we're still pissed& but we pass our outrage to you in the form of savings!
Devoted users of wereek.com, the place to share smells and connect with fellow reekers, experience the site's final operational day.
Work or Party? The Ultimate Bro Dilemma. Now it’s your turn to decide in this nail biting epic.
To hell with the crops. To hell with the police. To hell with your confining rows of perfectly neat and perfectly safe plants. We are John Deere, and we are turning the steering wheel in directions you've never even thought were possible.
Without the Second Amendment the First Amendment is worthless. Protect your rights and join me in saving this country from the Washington fat cats!
Chairs and tables were overturned; posters depicting ancient warriors were ripped; computer monitors lay on their sides, the screens flickering like candles at a vigil. And then there were the bodies. The man beamed, then shouted: "In theory, I am the greatest swordsman who ever lived!"
All about Dan Quinn-- UFC fighter, inventor of cold fission, and divine angel for the good of all mankind.
Dan Jr. takes over Dan's Carpets from his father and he brings new ideas and new opportunities to the table.
"Ow. That's sort of hot! Okay, I feel a uniform blob of goop. It's thick and heavy, but it parts easily enough as I cup my hands together and scoop it up. When I rub it between my fingers I get a sort of grainy sensation. This one's easy. A bowl of oatmeal." The mystery item is: The surface of the sun
We are here to help you plan out your 12 Gauge exotic loads for tonight's 9/11 holiday bash. Those bikinis just seem to get smaller and smaller every year. Let's make this the best 9/11 ever!
Explore the lost content of The Beatles: Rock Band in this exclusive Something Awful report!
Sit a spell with Rustlr.com, the #1 spot to stop when travelin' along that ol' dusty information supertrail. This week the whole posse heads down to Ramblin' Man, the annual festival that draws thousands of cowboys to the desert for a weekend of celebration, experimentation, and exploration.
Please welcome four new advertisers to Something Awful, all of which provide wonderful goods and / or services in exchange for monetary units.
Miyuki Hatoyama, wife of the Japanese Prime Minister, sees UFOs, alien worlds, and dead people. Seriously.
Nontraditional parties for nontraditional students. That’s our motto, and we live it to the extreme. So, why don’t you put your kids to sleep, close up those textbooks you’re reading for a managerial warehouse position, and start wildnout.
Hey, you're the new number cruncher, right? First day on the job is always a little awkward. Follow me, I'll point out everyone you'll be working with.
Eccentric Ohio Congressman James Traficant has been freed after seven years in prison. The American political process dearly missed his descriptions of his own flatulence.
You hold in your hands a treasured tome, one second only to His Written Works in reverence and import. The Trappers' Partner Periodical & Catalogue is an indispensible ally to the accomplished trapper and shipper, a venerable publication whose every word betters the human condition and amplifies the greatness of man.
Whether this is intentional or not, to whomever keeps forgetting to put the plunger back where it belongs-- next to the commode in the men's bathroom-- thank you. No, really, thanks.
Mysterious animal lover Raymondo puts down the soft-shelled turtle and angler fish to take advantage of the government's Cash for Clunkers program. Raymondo has a deal for you!
The very qualities that make Superman the prototypical hero also make him sort of boring. He's pretty much unstoppable. He likes to save people because he's nice, which is awesome, but that's the extent of his personality. His darkest secret? He feels guilty for not being able to save everyone.
You are not gonna believe the crazy shit that went down at the party of the century last Friday. It was legendary. C-dog was there, Lazy Paul was there, and I was there.
In an effort to pin down what this country thinks about universal health care, we've asked several average Americans for their average opinions on this important issue.
Nobody has seen or heard from North Dakota in weeks. The governor of South Dakota says he has no idea where North Dakota went, but he sounds so guilty when he says it. The politicians and news media all seem too scared to say what everyone is thinking: why does South Dakota look so much bigger on the map? And when did it start bordering Canada?
David Thorpe is an aspiring syndicated columnist who shares his wit, wisdom, folksy humor and unique personal perspective in his weekly column, “And That’s My Take.” Currently, this column is not printed in any major newspapers, but interested editors are encouraged to email him.
Otaku Ali belongs to one of the biggest fansub groups in the whole world . He spends day and night living and breathing anime.
Hey kids! All the adults are talking about healthcare. Boring! Confusing! Blah! Well, this activity book will help you learn the basics of healthcare while you’re having a blast! Yippee!!!
Morland ranks right up there with Tolkien and Barkley, especially in the chapter "My Charles Barkley Autobiography", which is interspersed with lyrics from the songs of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Musgrave Global Solutions releases its FY2009 report on its various diaper subsidiaries and their plans for the coming year.
Companionship on a short leash. Never growing old together. All bark and no emotional bite. Meeting a new best friend every month. That's what Dogaday's Dog of the Month Club is all about.
Whether you are looking for one night of fun, a relationship, or an elaborate metaphor involving your mother, tonight is the night for hot and sexy dream girls.
Two men with three arms between them made their way across the ocean in a jumble of swollen, warped planks precariously held together with nails made entirely of rust. The man with two arms frowned at a treasure map balanced on the head of the other man, who rowed with a vaguely paddle-like roadsign.
Rampant discrimination in the parole system ruining my chances of the truth coming out about my supposably racial motivated attempted murder and robbery in the year 2000.
Get your riff on with this MST3K-style look at one of America's saddest towns.
It's been a week of monstrous sightings for our dedicated star hunters. From London to Hollywood, they bring the goods! Who was the Invisible Man having lunch with? How does Frankenstein deal with a broken heart? A new bromance for Igor??? Find out in this month's Celebrity Stalker!
We often forget that no presidency, even the super great ones, was untouched by the icy hand of corruption or the warm,moist hand of luridity and depravativity. We now look back on the first twenty-two presidents and their history of underhanded wheedlings and deedlings.
If you're too hoarse from yelling at the town hall meeting where the bus dropped you off you can at least leave a message in the anonymous complaint box.
After calling in a few favors, I've managed to scrounge up several new pieces of official artwork that shed further light on the disturbing nature of Epic Mickey. This content is decidedly dark, so proceed at your own risk.
Musgrave Global Solutions issues its FY2010 report on cake-themed TV shows for the Musgrave directorate at Black Rock.
Good morning, sir. I suppose you've been hearing a lot of crazy talk around the office about how I keep a sloth in my shirt pocket. Well, yes, it's true, completely true. The little guy's right here. But you've gotta admit it's pretty crazy!
Peach Babyface, official mascot of the Pie Industry in Exile, is pleased to present the only accurate, scientifically sound listing of the 25 known varieties of pie in the world.
I'm just a simple man looking for progressively more ridiculous, completely hetero action on the DL.
Sad dude in a fugue, dazed dude window-shopping and mall-moping. Is this you??? Sad man?? Your mall is a husk and all the stores are dying off. Sad man, yes?? Read this article and remember sweet days when the mall was a cornucopia of great stuff, cooler than those bullshit vegetables like in those indians cornucopias...
I am the TV poll voter. I'm closer than you can possibly imagine, and I am not alone. Unnecessary backhanded compliment guy has joined forces with me, and he wants you to know that although he almost never reads Something Awful as of late, he enjoyed this article just enough to finish it.
Warner Brothers decided to outsource the novelization of its new Sherlock Holmes movie to men living in Bhopal, India.
I took three article ideas that wouldn't work on their own and combined them into a multi-layered, inedible mess. It's the American way!
The fact you have chosen my Honda Civic is quite flattering. And, I must say, you have one-upped me. Whereas I once paid a reasonable price for the vehicle, you have elected to take it for free. Clearly you are a more experienced car shopper than me.
Didn't wanna to do the whole big sappy goodbye thing so I thought I'd just pull off the band-aid quick and let all you dudes know at once: today's my last day here. The Rodster is leaving for greener pastures...
Will suburbia survive the crushing weight of the economic downturn in America? I have seen the future, and it costs one dollar: a guided tour of consumerism's latter days.
After a stint of unnecessary and unorthodox grave openings, the Sweet Memories Funeral Home and Graveyard of Arkansas posted the infamous sign, thereby creating the controversial “Justified Openings” Program.
"Next subject," the intercom crackles, "A. Robot, engineer, waste disposal. New employees, six days." A large man enters the test administrator's office, awkwardly pats his hands against his standard-issue paper gown. "Come in," says the administrator. "Sit down, Mr. ... A. Robot, was it?"
Pastor Rob Vitalis invites believers and non-believers alike to celebrate the wonder of God's Creation in all of its most exciting forms.
Did you know that aliens can fly? Aliens can do this, and more. I have studied aliens on the Internet for almost 6 months, and I know a guy who says he saw one. Someday I'll see an alien, and it will probably be the sickest day ever.
Sit a spell with Rustlr.com, the #1 spot to stop when travelin' along that ol' dusty information supertrail. This week the whole darn town is rustlin' over Chicago Bill's hanging. And what's that no good Mad Bill Boothe tryin' to pull anyway? Find out in today's Rustlr, pardner!
Nils, Beauregard, and DeShaun are drawn deep into the territory of the sinister Dolorists where they meet the new queen of the underworld.
When BioWare asked if I'd be interested in a scoop on the first Star Wars MMO since Tabula Rasa, I had to pause. A journalist always considers how many exclamation points go after "YES" in professional e-mails. Sorry for hijacking the front page with a straightforward interview, but I'm hoping you're as interested in this game as I am.
The long-lost commonplace book of a Predator Drone has been recovered. This diary of ideas provides keen insight into the Predator Drone's creative process.
We've got questions, ChaCha has answers.
Some three decades ago, a man named Rod MacArthur changed the course of human history. Rod, a relic hunter and skilled forger of false idols, decided to start a company. Soon his enterprise grew into an empire, churning out graven images and demonic artifacts day and night.
The American suburbs are collapsing in on themselves like a pumpkin left on the doorstep until March. Thankfully, I have been there to observe and record the decline.
Sometimes a lonely man, woman, or Doctor of Doomistry just wants a date with a superhero with no strings attached. Now they can find out which heroes know how to please thanks to theheroticreview.com.
Neon Purple. The Prussians used it to blind political prisoners, Queen Victoria used it as an enema, and you have a totally rad t-shirt. The highly radioactive color has a long history and a longer causality list, but it has allowed hipsters to wear totally ironic headbands, so it's pretty much a wash.
Back in 198X our shared history totally split into two timelines when, through a series of unlikely events that can be traced back to a power surge as a young man saved his Dungeone & Dragons character data on an Apple IIe, the entire score from John Carpenter's The Thing became the U.S. national anthem.
The victims of Something Awful's horrific attack against innocent victims of media victimization reply to our apology to Sarah Palin and her victim family of victims.
Behold, a dog of destiny. An epic poem unfolds his legend.
Welcome back, Cycnus Station Resident! DynaMars Corporation is committed to keeping you updated on all relevant station news. Today's highlights: fumigation, new station commander, and mandatory relocation to external supply shed. Please enjoy!
In light of recent events, I have determined that Twitter is not entirely dumb, as previously suggested.
If you're like me, you love yum yums. The region I grew up in was a great area for the dish, a true "yum yum paradise" if you will. A family member used to make yum yums every Sunday morning before we all left for the weekly funeral.
Something Awful is deeply sorry for any harm we may have caused Sarah Palin and we would like to extend our sincerest apologies to all members of the Palin family.
Baby, why are you so mad? Don't listen to those lies, baby. I'm sorry! It wasn't supposed to be like that! Give me a chance to explain!
By popular demand, we unscrupulously cash in on a celebrity's death!
I thought you should be aware that Interior Man has been entering my cubicle at least once a day to burn one of his feathers next to my head. It smells bad and I think it might be some kind of insult. I know that his ways are unknown to us, but he stares at me in what I would consider to be a very menacing way.
Beauregard falls in love with a woman he has never met and he and Nils face down danger in the streets beneath the streets of New York City.
How is neon created? Why is it making a comeback? These are the questions they do not want you to ask. The brilliant sheen on your sneakers comes with a long and troubled history that is shrouded in secrecy. We have been quiet for too long. It is time to expose the repulsive origins of this inhumane color spectrum.
When we punch at him, he moves away and swats our knuckles. When we try to tackle him so that we may hold him down and punch him without interruption, he pushes us away. When we ask him to build a device that will hold him down for us, he refuses.
I wrote book about 101 phraces in office. I expert on financial and business issue. Need proof? Me column in Wall Street Journal. Also do piece for FINANCIAL TIIMIKMMeS.
EGM: Enraged Geek Mail! New readers sound off on the EGM/Maxim switch -- from their moms' basements!
Welcome to the newest station in the DynaMars Corporation family! Cycnus Station is a state-of-the-art campus with all the amenities you'd expect back home on Earth -- only here on Mars!
Europeans Nils Odegaard and Beauregard Ink begin their road tour of the United States starting in Maine with stops in New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, and Connecticut.
This is not a comedy article. This is a cry for help!
Windows 7's least publicized feature is the drastically redesigned Help database, with over thirty times as many articles as the previous versions combined. We put it to the test, and got more Help than we could have possibly been prepared for.
There's no reason you should be held responsible for a mistake when you can pick a scapegoat that can't fight back. Learn how BLAMEBY can help.
Famous villains seek out advice on the internet. What they receive is, well, what you expect they would receive.
Son, for this journey is dangerous, but the rewards are heavenly. Hold strong and keep your mind sharp, and we shall come across treasure you’ve never imagined. Perhaps if the exploration into the bowels of hell is a success, a new game for thy console is in order.
A wide-eyed man in an orange jumpsuit blotted out the clear blue sky, wobbling as an unseen crane on the launch pad lowered him onto the Endeavour's nose. Biting down on his lower lip, the launch prep crewman steadied himself and reached a wavering hand toward a slip of paper tucked behind the shuttle's windshield wiper.
When Hollywood casting agents need a creepy child for their movie they turn to Little Terrors Talent Agency.
Something Awful helps you keep up to date with summer's hottest unscripted programs!
This Twitter-mania is getting ridiculous. Not every tweet is incredible and I can make the points to prove it.
Congratulations! You have been selected to join the elite ranks of Exclusivus, the world's most exclusive luxury lifestyle provider.
Some of the WWE's best wrestlers need new entrance themes, and I'm the guy for the job. Eat your heart out girls. Hands off the merchandise.
The Incredible Terrorist Hulk submits an ideas piece about what might transpire if the United States closes Gitmo and releases him into the general prison population.
Doc Brown: time criminal or adorable scientist? We looked at the facts and decided to ignore them.
Old age, sore joints and cataracts mean nothing to this tough soldier, still unrelenting in his fight for justice. Even with his mysterious origins, it is all but certain Trotter shares a common history and deadly rivalry with the villainous El Cráneo Negro.
In a major gaming-journo coup, Something Awful has secured an exclusive interview with a kid whose uncle works for Nintendo. Inside, we'll reveal the secrets of Mortal Kombat sex fatalities, Mario's gun code and Nintendo's upcoming 100-bit console...
Mankind has disappeared, leaving behind empty streets and silent cities. What will happen to the things we have built and what will happen to man's best friends? Why is there a goat in the pool?
Graduation ceremonies are convoluted, pointless, and boring, and that’s just for the people getting diplomas. If you’re stuck in the audience, print out this handy activity sheet and try to have some fun. Good luck.
Girls who fall into the mature personality are self-assured, smart, and somewhat jaded thanks to the rough-and-tumble lifestyle of their middle school surroundings.
Prophets from the ancient past of 1997 bring ill-tidings of a dystopian future.
What a long, strange trip it has been. From here to the post office, over and over, mailing the same thing to dozens of places.
Celebrate Memorial Thing and honor the men and women in uniform by spending some time with the cut-ups from GI Army Funnies. They're America's favorite one-panel military comic!
Still scrawny and need some tips? Tight budget got you feeling like there's no way you're ever gonna get toned enough for the beach? Cheer up, you can have wicked arms and a barrel-like chest in no time, just follow my tips and start cutting the sleeves off of all your tees or reinforce them to prevent ripping from your new muscles.
In Pitchmen (the Discovery Channel's next logical step after bringing us Planet Earth), Billy Mays and Anthony Sullivan pretend to drive each other insane while looking for inventions to feature in their infomercials. It's not a very good show. Pitchmen is ridiculous, contrived, overly scripted, and I want in on it.
Sick and tired of hearing losers and whiners blame America for all of the problems of the world? Then this is the article to give voice to your silent suffering.
Riots? On my campus? You kids got some 'splaining to do!
British scientist Stephen Wolfram recently launched one of the most ambitious projects in the history of the web: Wolfram Alpha, a site which aims to condense all human knowledge into some kind of a thing that you can talk to with your computer. To help you understand this new technology, we've delved into the thing for some first impressions.
Fart City USA has launched enabled for full streaming and feed socking of user-generated content captures.
Listen, I know you’re busy, but I’m in need. Please, just listen to one sentence. That’s it. One sentence, and then you can go on your way.
Look, I don't care if the guy on the other team asks to see the ball, you don't give it to him. Yes, even if it's "just for a second" and he says please. The only people you should be giving that ball to are your teammates.Well, the next time he says that ask him for a receipt.
Something Awful reviews 20 horrible movies with brutal efficiency.
Raymondo: animal lover, entrepreneur, and man with a mysterious written accent. He returns to announce the opening of his tropical island petting zoo.
No job, no bucks?? Bugs, crud, grime, and dirt can be your future today if you seize the opportunity (fist full of bugs) and eat that fist full of opportunity (for a dare). Fill your belly with critters and build a rep on the dirty streets and icky alleys, you'll be living like a king! Dirt king!
The bank's motion-sensing doors parted for a wild-eyed man in his late 30's. His face tilted upwards, welcoming the puff of cool air across its dirt-caked features. Rivulets of sweat ran down his face and neck, depositing grime into the collar of what might have once been a white undershirt.
Better know your local amateur superheroes, before they're brutally murdered in cold blood by actual criminals.
I believe you to be well aware of my ill feelings toward Langall Stormbeard, who resides at 2234 Roaring Elk Drive, the residence immediately adjacent to mine. For the past year I have been writing to complain about his bizarre, troubling, and dangerous behavior. For the past year you have been ignoring me.
Something Awful is proud to present a selection of lost classics from the Golden Age of comics. These relics of a simpler time transport you to a world of adventure, romance, perversion and space idiocy!
Welcome to the 66th annual Knights of Cakewalk mid-Atlantic General Assembly Hall of Fame Inductions. For decades, we have masterfully won every cakewalk in Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland, and New York (excluding Dover and NYC due to union regulations,) and today we recognize the best walkers our sport has ever offered.
Stockholm, Sweden - In an otherwise lawless society, one maxim governs the land: No fat chicks. Many have chalked this up to the Swedes' quirky humor. The law, however, is quite serious, as is evident in the 1997 execution of six protesters affiliated with People For The Ethical Treatment Of Humongous Fat Asses.
The powerful new uROD site launches to enable a community in search of relief. Upload, download, and share with friends and strangers.
SA founder Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka submits an obscure early work to critical scrutiny.
SA foodie travels to the Far East to sample a forbidden delicacy.
Forum goon Rorschach recalls the night a simple alias made all his wildest dreams come true.
Your breasts are like a slightly mismatched pair of oversized oranges. If I grasped them with my strong but tender hands and gave them a honk, the sweetest orange juice would drip out from every pore. I'm not being poetic, I genuinely believe that's what would happen.
America's friends from Democratic People's Republic of Korea provide a truthful perspective on USA Leader Obama. The truthful perspective might shock you...
If you love making fun of frumpy, politically illiterate white people, then join us in taking a gander at some of the highlights from last week's tea party protests!
The lines are drawn as Shaggy Pines Assisted Living Community residents David Thorpe and Joshua Boruff go head to head in a bloody, inky battle for control.
In the idyllic community of Shaggy Butte, nestled in the calm forested villas of the Shaggy Pines Assisted Living Community, two senior citizens go head to head in a battle of calamitous cussedness...
Robert Louis Stevenson is responsible for some of the most memorable pieces of modern literature; however, it is his explicit photo album, “Treasure Hole,” that deserves the most attention. Hidden for over one hundred years, it has finally been exposed.
It's been a little over a week since I lost my footing and tumbled down here. If only my balance had been as solid as the BFG GeForce GTX 260. With 896MB of onboard memory, this bad boy can run anything you throw at it with ease. Sure wish someone would throw me a rope, or some kinda trampoline or a pair of stilts.
Asmodeus works tech support for users in the Matrix and lives in Zion, a city inside a factory inside a volcano. Welcome to the working man's life in the desert of the real.
For every military encounter immortalized in history books, a hundred others only live on in the fleeting memories of those who survive and in the impartial soil of the battlefield that swallows up the blood of the fallen. These are the Civil War battles that you have never heard of.
Dr. Bruce Thompson's father crusaded against violent videogames and raunchy music. His crusade failed and now Dr. Thompson is dealing with the mess.
Spooky Steve gives you the inside dirt on the latest Halloween Sound Effects Albums--just in time for Easter!
Good news loyal trappers and shippers: your faithful commander is back at the helm! As you are probably well aware from prior issues of this publication, I WAS IN A COMATOSE STATE FOR SOME MONTHS, teetering precariously between life and death. I am pleased to report that those days are behind me!
The roadside deathcross is the blog of remembrance—they are everywhere, they are unavoidable, and they are left by forgettable, stupid people in forgettable, stupid places
Making people laugh takes a bit of intuition and a lot of hard work. That's why I can be found at the local gym on most weekday afternoons, walking into the public shower and nodding in smug satisfaction as the pointing and snickering commences.
The island looked pretty awesome, so I thought, I'll take the cooler and chill out for a while. There weren't a lot of people on the beach, which was nice at first, but then I found out that's because the water is filled with GODDAMN DRAGONS AND SNAKES AND SWIMMING HORSES.
The unusual channel TVTOKYO 25 has been celebrating April Fools' with some very interesting programming for over 100 years. Join them for an April Fools' retrospective.
TRAPPED IN AIRPORT STOP PLEASE SEND WATER & BAGELS STOP
Adjusts the iPhone's internal restrictions, allowing you to touch the screen as much as you'd like. Makes the screen flash so you don't miss. Reminds you to touch the screen when screen is not touched. Contacts the authorities to tell them something horrible has happened when the screen has not been touched in more than five minutes.
Let the Simcity Board of Advisors instruct you in the ways of government, at least until you get bored and put in all the cheat codes.
An inseparable element of writing, as we know in our own language by our system of trotmarks and clenchmarks, is how we punctuate it. English is no different, regarding this. Many authors of the English language choose to punctuate their work to show the character of their persons, or to add heft to their descriptions.
With our new website, tracking your package through ancient Greece has never been easier.
Amateur martial arts specialist Steve Sumner confronts the villains of our day with various forbidden ninjitsu moves he has trained up.
Dear Max, They gave me a different partner because you weren’t here, and he was a mirthless fellow who gnawed my toes. Also, I had to be a “spy,” which is nothing like a hero. You are not allowed to use powers and kill aliens. You just watch villains and become confused. Maybe you will understand what happened better than I did.
Look, Jerry, you're missing the point. Even if I did block you out intentionally, Jerry, I would have just cause. Living with you is like being trapped in prison with a mad man. Sometimes, Jerry, you look at me with those crazed eyes and I'm not sure whether you're going to rape me or kill me.
Happy Saint Patrick's Day! Overnight last night I felt nothing but incredible pain in my back. I feel like death, so I'm going to get treatment LIVE! I am a horrible sad sack!
Where has your money been going? Take a peek under the TARP thanks to AIG's sudden and new policy of transparency.
Hi there, it's me. Joseph "Maxnmona" Fink here. So after a little over three years writing for this site I've decided to quit for a variety of reasons. For one thing, I've been spending most of my time tending to my muscled body and my perfectly tousled hair. Actually that's the only reason. My teeth are like a military cemetery.
I'm something of a virtuoso when it comes to classical guitar. Louie Louie, Smoke On The Water, Every Good Boy Does Fine - you name it and I can play the first couple of chords. The Philharmonic begged me to join them, but it's just not in my nature to follow, you know? I'm a lone wolf. Hence the shirt.
The DIY Blogger offers wisdom to help you survive those crucial minutes of decision immediately after disaster strikes.
As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to join the world of organized friendships.
Oh, so we're supposed to think animals are all precious and perfect just because GOD made them? I'm not buying it, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for round three.
An underachieving engineer in Bozeman, Montana makes his contribution to the success of the NX-01 Enterprise mission.
Zak hates clowns. He hates the way his mom spelled his name on the birth certificate and he hates Burger King. But you knew that the second you saw him.
Many don't believe it, but technology makes it possible. Now Adam has many more features, including face and background. Fans of original Adam on the N-Gage can enjoy this new version even more thanks to the digitally remastered kazoo soundtrack. Comes with optional "sepia" camera filter for...
Look at that economy...nationalize a banks isn't helping an American. Don't wait for the bailout! China Consulting American's Jobs offer you a solution for your scenario.
When we named our restaurant Thai 2000, we realized a day of reckoning awaited us. We were the eating-house of the future, but we knew that when that future became the present, we would be coffin-trapped in the past. Oh, horrible progress!
I imagine you might try to call in some favors. I imagine the SWAT team right outside, Jerry. They're all out there waiting to bust down the door, swarm in, knock me to the floor, and handcuff my hands behind my back. Then, Jerry, they'll drag me outside as I scream and fight. I'll be screaming your name, Jerry.
I'm ready to support feminism and write for Joss Whedon's Dollhouse. Is Joss ready to let me come aboard as a writer?
Come in, Christopher. Take a seat. I trust your family is doing well? Oh my. An industrial combine, right in the living room? I'm sorry to hear that they only came in second place, but that's still quite an accomplishment.
I became rich in 4 weeks being lazy. Read my story and do the same.
At first Tooth was wary about that shit, so he cannily asked the Chinese bitch to smell it for the scent of gunpowder, because they know that smell due to their culture. But she ain’t detect anything dangerous, so Tooth bring that basket inside and unswaddle the parcel within in it, and to his horror he discover a living baby whiteling.
Cap'n Lonnie talks up Avast, Me Hearties, Missouri's number one pirate-themed rock group.
The embarrassment of being the first kid in middle school with armpit hair was so humiliating that my body has decided to try it again twelve years later. Great. Will the hero be able to handle even more hair on his already covered body? Short Answer: No.
This starter kit will introduce you to the game with an easy-to-follow campaign, Operaclypse Now, in which you will print and craft your first miniature units from the Cardboardian Militia and Metallohedron Protectorate, then put their skills to the test in a desperate bid to enjoy an opera.
Dear Max, the Instructors told me I could send you my own Reading Time, so you could see for yourself what it’s like Outside. Please believe these words and pictures. I hope you will understand them superior grade, so you can join me and we can be heroes together. Your friend, Stevie
The ticking time bomb scenario is explored during a senate hearing. Erotically.
Mr. Leopard called anywhere he lived his lair, because the alliterative power of the name tended to intimidate his enemies before they even had a chance to see his muscles or his leopard print ExoBikini with its deadly KittyKlaw rockets.
After an unexpected hiatus, Peter Parker returns to the Daily Bugle as a contributing reporter. My Pulitzer sense... it's tingling!
Stop sucking revolver and get on the gravy train to happiness with these helpful hints!
The situation with Big Uncle Jack has been mighty queer indeed. I used to think it was a curse, having these two uncles. Big Uncle Jack with that giant head, couldn't say a word but at least he could chop wood. Little Jack, just tiny and always terrified, cowering and weeping all day, but at least he didn't eat much more than grass and seed...
It's easy to see the storm clouds gathering in these dark economic times, which is exactly why we have to choose now to live the American Way. Smiles and sunshine, my droogs.
Cornelius Griffith. A seemingly normal gentleman, but, in reality, he is one of the most unusual men in the world. His fighting abilities have been studied by every scientist and pugilist from here to Prussia. A truly gifted man. Here are the phases of his defense as he meets a hoodlum in a dark alley.
Bill Gates caused quite a stir this Wednesday when he released a jar full of mosquitoes during a speech. His intent was to motivate influential people to combat malaria. Unfortunately, the bugs did not group together in a formation that read "MALARIA - LET'S DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT" as they had in rehearsal so the point was largely lost.
Most Grammy Awards were awarded in advance, with little fanfare. Something Awful was there to record the results.
The harrowing story of Big Melon Crush, a simple boy with but one talent: crushing melons on his abnormally large head. Learn how he rose to power, conquered the terrible Gauntlet of Impossibly Hard Melons, and secured his place in legend.
In a last-ditch and idiotic attempt to finish a manuscript, I retreated to a remote cabin and discovered all the wrong ways of gathering firewood.
Once upon a time I was a secret agent. You know the type. My cars had more skills than you do. My hair was nearly bulletproof. Now I'm an old man with more back problems than karate techniques. I don't know if you've ever seen a tall man wearing only feline make-up and leopard underpants vivisected on a public bathroom floor, but I have.
You've written a great speech, really, but in my estimation it runs just over three hours in length - and that's not even taking into account notations like "pause for fifteen minutes of applause" or "do a little dance and mouth the words to the entirety of Kool & The Gang's 'Jungle Boogie' while the actual music is not playing".
Now that President Obama's BlackBerry usage has been reinstated, he has many important things to tell the American people 140 characters at a time.
Yes, I live in the Popeye House. Go ahead, do your Popeye laugh. Everyone has to do the laugh when I tell them I live there, or their mutilated version of it. Eye-guy-guy-guy, ah-guh-guh-gah, ike ike ike ike. I've heard so many different half-remembered Popeye laughs that I don't even remember what the real one sounds like anymore.
The nation faces economic catastrophe. We are in two wars and face terrorists at home. The United States of America teeters on the brink. That's exactly why each day of the administration of Senator Roland W. Burris is crucial to our Union.
Experiment: Threw a rock at the sun. Result: Completely missed. Forgot to take the Earth's rotation into account. Untold damage inflicted upon the surface of the moon.
After watching 14 straight hours of 'Heroes: Season Three,' my eyes rolled back in my skull and I started painting the future! Then I realized that had already been done -- twice -- so I wrote down a few observations instead.
When one takes out a contract with an ideal clown, he should feel secure that the contract will be honored. The clown must serve out the edicts of the contract with his life and livelihood as the collateral. Should a clown fail, he must sever a part of his own person as a sacrifice to appease the contractor.
Sexy amateurs are here to provide you with the hottest a la carte smut in the world. Don't forget to bring your credit cards.
Mr. Bush, Our President, must (by Law) now step down from the post he has bravely held since 2002. Mr. President, I speak for all Americans when I say "Damn fine job, Sir."
My weight loss is in no way related to cancer. It is, instead, the result of a hormone imbalance. This has caused my entire body to tilt to the left, making it extremely difficult to walk to the refrigerator, much less shovel a spoonful of macaroni and cheese into my yapper.
A baffling endorsement of a sugary spread that's distinctly American.
Let it be known that on a recent evening I saw fit to organize a gathering of the St. Louis Fur & Meat Magnates. I, by virtue of my stature, prominence, and renown in both fields, was of course the guest of honor. The other invitees included Mr. A. P. Brown of Brown Fur Amalgamated, and the notorious J. F. Swanton of Swanton Furs.
Our journey has been historic, and in the past few months we have accomplished something extraordinary: history. The months and years to come will not be easy, but with your continuing support and contributions we will continue to make history, more history than has ever been made in history.
What a frigging joke! Banned again for nothing! I would like to be allowed to post my Poser comics and educational breastfeeding farm stories!
Getting rid of bedbugs is one of the hardest things in the world. Hell, it’s almost as hard as…heh…*points at pants* Hopefully, this simple walkthrough will help you turn your infested filth pit back into your stinky filth pit.
New to the Warhammer 40,000 experience? Intimidated by the high cost of miniatures and the hours it takes to assemble and paint an army before you can begin playing? Our expertly crafted, fully-painted miniatures are excellent substitutes for legitmate Games Workshop products - at a fraction of the price!
Joe "The Plumber" Wurzelbacher travels to Israel and files his first report on the conflict in Gaza.
A remarkably well-preserved talk-show host interviewed a controversial teenage rapper. 400 million people were waiting for the truth. Yahh, bitch, yahh!
I was ready to leave anime behind for you, Jerry, but thank God I saw the light! Suddenly I felt like Yukinari being transported to the mystic world of Seiren, and Miharu-chan represented the saving grace that is Japanese animation: the only thing that can touch me without causing pain.
How ridiculous can a person be while still attracting other weird Internet people for action on the DL? The answer is: VERY.
Hard at work or hardly working? This Predator may not be a hunter, but he busts his As's just like any clan member pursuing the soft meat.
You chose to tackle an idealized version of vampire love, a subject which can only strike me as threatening when you yourself are married to a vampire. How am I, a father of two and a civil servant of the night, to compete with some story book fantasy of what vampire love should be?
"Stop," barks my trainer Gwen, a woman with many features and personality traits that would make for a fascinating and enjoyable description. Every time she turns to talk, her white van drifts from the road's shoulder and lazily sways in my direction. "Please, this is ridiculous."
The party aftermath to end all party aftermaths.