We're taking a peek at 2009, when a new president takes office and is forced to weather the storm of his or her press conferences. This sort of detail is overlooked by the pundits, but with a heaping helping of conjecture we're giving you the scoop on how the candidates might perform.
You know, I always wanted to be famous, but I never thought it would happen. All that changed on Christmas, when a three-inch hair grew on my back. A true holiday miracle. Now the Christmas Hair and I are destined to be entombed in the Guinness Book of World Records.
After going on a short twelve year hiatus for a few production meetings and the construction of a new set, the subtly patriotic series American Gladiators is set to return in 2008. How does the new version of the show stack up against the original from the early 90's?
Can super-science really kill us all when TiVo has recorded 19 episodes of Toolbelt Diva for your suggestions? Answers to this and other pressing questions as Zack takes a look at the likelihood of a technological singularity doomsday scenario.
Acetone is led on a long journey for a Wii. Is everything what it seems or is he just being played by the puppet master?
Something Awful's charity bee drive lets you donate to a good cause and still feel evil! Darken the skies of the third world with swarms of deadly honey bees and cackle like a lunatic while secretly helping your fellow man!
For over 17 years Fushitsu Adhesive Amusements Concern of Hokkaido, Japan has been bringing America the finest in adhesive entertainment. Recent years have been rough for Fushitsu, but their acting CEO has a bold new idea to save the company from financial insolvency. Prepare to meet the future of automotive decals.
I am writing concerning your position of Director of Long-term Financial Planning. As a recent college graduate, I know I have the energy and verve to “get in the game” and “tackle” this position so well that for every twenty cents spent you’ll get a “quarterback”, but now I need to convince you of that. I will do so, in this letter.
What secrets lie within the heavily guarded facility where brick shipments arrive at all hours of the day and night? Are the rumors of strange and unethical experiments true, and if they are, what purpose do they serve?
Barack Obama's astonishing kindergarten essay, "I want to become president," revealed at last! Find out why this madrassa-going kindergartener had the audacity to dream of taking over the most powerful and Christian nation in the world.
That old so-and-so Johnny G gives you the skinny on this year's holiday schmahoofle.
Captain H. W. Grieves settles into his new job as a pin boy for a local bowling alley and looks to the future, mapping out his strategy for success and what must be done to achieve it.
The latest round of Wikigroaning brings along with it a tale of life and death-- a Something Awful writer's life has been threatened by the Wikimafia!
While you were out having fun over the weekend the media has been piling up story after story filled with useless information. Get a start on your week with a steaming pile of news direct from us to your lap. Enjoy, senor!
I’ve spent the last three months in Rome doing as the Romans—mostly crashing scooters and wearing tight pants, but now it’s over, and I have no idea how to spend my time back home. To help myself, I’ve compiled a list of my old favorite winter activities.
After investigating the steroid scandal for nearly two years, the Mitchwell Report has been released to the public. We sorted through the 400+ pages to bring you the biggest surprises and the juiciest details.
A return to my predictions for Bonanza City and an account of what really happened on the pioneering CBS reality show Kid Nation.
AHHH!!! EXAMS!!! I'm like totally bummed there isn't enough text here in this box, so it's good that somebody is putting more text here.
A guide to flying and dealing with the countless airline assholes this holiday season.
In this exclusive interview with former adult actress Texas Presley, learn who has the worst-smelling vagina in porn, learn about the porn star who's had enough STDs to kill a horse, and find out whether Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen has a future in erotic film!
Looking for a date, but don't want to actually date? Bronson Custard's Exotic Escort Reviews will give you all of the tools you need to find the one night stand of your dreams. Bronson selects only the finest escorts and then lets you, the client, control her reviews.
I'd like to introduce you to someone who will change the way you look at the world forever. Once you've heard what he has to say about, well, anything, you'll want to hear what he has to say about, well, everything.
Now that a week has passed since the controversial firing of Gamespot's former editorial director Jeff Gerstmann, we set aside the juvenile humor for one day to cover every side of the most culturally significant video game story since Aki Ross from that cgi Final Fantasy movie posed in a bikini for Maxim.
You've waited and wondered, but at long last the time has come for Something Awful to endorse a candidate for President of the United States of America. We put our official seal of approval on one of the candidates competing for the democratic or republican nomination. Find out who we have selected!
My cat is a butthole and I live in a cloud of fear and outrage. Come join in the fun!
Thank you for great interest! Time and time again adult and child long for fun! Time again longing is gratified by going to ADVENTURE PALACE. The pamphlet in whose hands it now rests has given you key to ADVENTURE PALACE. You have found it! Or, perhaps, ADVENTURE PALACE has found you?
Johnny Titanium examines whether burgin' will stand the test of cohabitation, with pictures and instructions on how to kill yourself with the miracle of cholesterol.
The email inbox of Justice Legion HR rep and Amazonian Queen Diana is regularly overflowing with emails from her fellow heroes and heroines. Take a journey to the secret workings of the Justice Legion inbox and learn just what happens when you pick on a hero one too many times.
When was the last time you went to the movies with a group of people? Been on a double date? Have you ever gone on a road trip? Does it seem like people generally avoid you? Guess what? They are, and here’s why.
When technology wreaks havoc, your local news station is on the scene to explain computers in an informed and entirely accurate manner. Here, Local News Team 5 delves into the breaking Botnet story.
Six average American voters were asked a series of questions about the ongoing presidential primary campaigns. Their answers to our questions may shock you.
There are some unfortunate people out there that never outgrow trains. They are called "railfans". Find out what makes them tick and why rail is stale in this update.
They came without warning. Slowly, they infiltrated society, taking our jobs, moving into our neighborhoods, running our cities. Before long, they were everywhere and there was nothing we could do. We were at their mercy.
Hollywood gossip columnist Rocky French brings you the hottest celeb news of 1979! Learn about Richard Burton's turn in the upcoming Star Wars sequel, the death of John Wayne, Ted Nugent's classical outburst and Rocky's pick for top flick of the year!
The pegasi danced above the battlefield, like white birds or angels or pegasi. My father was up there on that day, but you get to experience the living hell of the mission briefing for Operation Glorious Pegasus. It comes with everything but the noose.
In 2183, Commander John Shepard of the Systems Alliance Military aboard the spacecraft Normandy represents humanity's first and last defense against the strange wonders of a vast and often dangerous galaxy. The fate of humanity and the future of the galaxy will be determined by the decisions of one man with a bad haircut. These are his adventures.
Since 1997 the Institute of Applied Creation Science has brought the world technological and scientific advancements based on the founding principals of creation science. We lead the world in faith-based bridge building, advanced Christian aerospace engineering, and Biblical metallurgy.
Survive Thanksgiving dinner with these tips on stuffing your face like an animal!
Beloved minemonger Hobart Harmchild addresses widespread incompetence amongst his female miners and pledges reform.
Now that I own a shirt that proclaims how radical science is, I have come to appreciate the idea of owning shirts so ridiculous that they meet awesome back on the other side. Extremely specific shirts are "hot" this season, so keep an eye out for examples like these.
It's amazing! Every single restaurant chain's website includes a link for you to email their corporate offices with your comments and criticism. I took advantage of these links and sent five complaints about unsatisfactory dining experiences to five of the world's biggest restaurant chains.
I’m getting old. With a quarter of my life passed, I can look at all the disappoint that will fill my future. To make it worse, I found a list of goals I wrote years ago. Now I’m forced to blend my childish dreams with the dreamless present world. Who knows if I’ll ever be the hero I once imagined.
You are receiving this newsletter from Record Button Records because someone that knows your e-mail address hates you. No one voluntarily subscribes to these things. You cannot unsubscribe yourself, but you can unsubscribe someone else and hope they return the favor.
An update about what's going on with Zack. Find out what he's doing and what he thinks is cool (or not cool) in the world. His thoughts on babies, the pizza of the week, and much more!
A closer look at the visionaries who have made the art of animation what it is today.
The animal kingdom is often praised as "beautiful" and "majestic," but I don't buy it. Most animals are, when you get right down to it, crap.
New US attorney general Michael Mukasey was confirmed by the Senate on Thursday, but he seems to be struggling with what constitutes torture in the eyes of the law. This open letter to Mukasey offers helpful insights on the reality of torture and what to do when a terrorist confesses to hunting the Queen's unicorns.
I'm a secret agent. I used to get paid to leap out of burning planes on jet skis while maintaining perfectly styled hair. I used to wear a tuxedo even when I was showering. I loved it. Now my knees can't handle jumping from moving motorcycles, and there isn't much hair left to keep styled. This is my life. This is my story.
In Hellgate: London, players are transported into a terrifying world where demons lurk around every corner that they've seen a thousand times before and a multitude of shortcomings are obscured by a heaping helping of shadows.
The denizens of Kinglandia come to one man when they start feeling down. Bjorn Ironbaum is the best psychotherapist and he has the advice and prescriptions for their ailing hearts and minds.
Take a look at alternative video game instructions from the shelves of your local video store and enter a warp zone of confusion. Mama mia!
The world-famous language learning series, Today We Learn English, teaches you all about the parts of speech. Learn about nouns, verbs, yelks, adjectives, antadjectives, antinouns, interjections and obscenities!
America's pumped-upedness reached its apex in the late 1990s. Since then America has fallen on hard and decidedly un-pumped times. Can we recover?
For centuries, scientists, kings, and members of the band Wyld Stallyns have tried to discover the secrets of time travel. Daylight savings allows us to relive an hour of our life once every autumn. Unfortunately, daylight savings time occurs around two in the morning, but what if we could choose which hours in our life to relive?
Join the Appleton Post-Intelligence Gazette's featured columnist Alan Avery as he reviews his fair town's homeless people.
Mysterious merchant Achmed Owlcat, purveyor of fine wares, offers a solution for Hollywood's looming writer's strike: buy his discount scripts. Everything must go!
Dracula is stealing your electricity!
Did you know you can achieve personal success in six easy steps? What are these steps, you ask? The only way you can possibly find out is by loading up this article and doing whatever it takes to read it.
FEMA has been making headlines recently for its fake news conference, but what sort of tricks might FEMA be up to five years from now? Thanks to Google's new Google Future service we can all learn how FEMA and other American institutions will respond when faced with a series of terrible natural disasters. I'm sure they'll do a great job!
Most people, at some point in their lives, go through a break-up. It’s one of those unavoidable things in life, like death or going through a break-up. We take you through every step of the process, and assume no previous knowledge or experience.
The law offices of Crosby, Oates & Palmer would like to remind you that if you can reach a phone, you've probably been wronged and should sue immediately.
Something Awful and The Smoking Gun have joined forces to present the hospitality rider from death metal sensation Cranial Impalement's 2004 European tour. Learn what these malevolent metal machines are demanding from their venues. They bid you bring them everything from hot dog buns to a forklift. Nothing escapes their wanton bloodiness.
Your college president talks about the burning issues facing college students today, and football. Go Pumas!
The touchingly idiotic story of one man in a giant field of corn and his struggle to understand what it is, and what it is doing to him.
Something Awful's new sponsors from the adult entertainment industry take the stage to bring you exciting information about what's new on all your favorite porn sites!
The Nixon Tapes, the Lincoln-Douglas Debate, that question George W. Bush tried to answer about tribal sovereignty; great conversations are recorded for posterity every day. Some slip through the cracks, but we think you will remember these.
The gentlemen of the Victorian era and the men who fill the World of Warcraft servers share a connection invisible to our 21st century eyes. The two share a bond through history that connects them as brothers.
Widely regarded as a watershed moment in the 80's teen space campout comedy horror film genre, Goofballs 4: Campout On Space Station Terror became a cult classic despite its limited theatrical release (three screens, one a middle school gymnasium) and the lack of a subsequent home video or dvd.
I have decided to take this opportunity to apologize to my coworkers for all of my transgressions over the years. After I'm done pouring my heart out I should be the richest man in the world, according to a new study.
I saw that dog I like again. It had its leash in its mouth and its ears pressed back, and it was trotting down 14th Street, stopping once in a while to smell plants and buildings. It was like I was paralyzed. What should I say? Should I try to play it cool and just whistle and hold my hand out to smell, or should I tell the truth?
The future's most powerful corporation continues to prove its excellence in the field of Martian terraforming and colonization.
Imagine a magazine created for readers so rich that the cover price is listed in pure gold. Now imagine people ten times that rich. Only the extremes of excess and depravity can elicit a response. Epicurean Dilettante is all too happy to help find those extremes.
Two weeks ago, I worked off some of my community service hours by making fun of Democrats. Now it's time for me to consider the Republicans. If you want the short version, they're a bunch of unattractive white men who all agree on pretty much every issue, and also Ron Paul's a nutcase.
We are blessed to live in such a magical time, and it's only right that we show our appreciation for the hard work of those who came before us by thinking about how far we've come every once in a while. Progress, this update's for you.
Darth Vader's physical therapist relates his life experiences at the side of one of the moodiest bosses in the known galaxy. Coaxing Lord Vader into a therapeutic pool or convincing him to make the switch to a raw food diet can be dangerous for a hardworking therapist's health.
Can a retarded cartoon father raise his son while on a collision course with wackiness? The answer may surprise you.
Excerpts from the diary of your average gamer patiently awaiting the release of Valve's Orange Box.
A very long time ago, SA posed the question, "How do [very fat babies] manage to grow up and do anything worthwhile at all? Someone, anyone, please email answers to me and the first person to tell me how this happens without the use of magic gets a prize." Now, after many years, the contest is officially OVER!
In 1999 I visited my friend Todd, in Tucson, and was given some bad news and some even worse news. This is the story of the legendary nymphomaniac she-beast Lindsay Dawn Riley and how she learned a tragic lesson about thermite.
Cutlass Ciera; once a luxury car, now a pain in my ass. It was my first car, bought off a drug dealer for $1,000, but took $3,000 over nine months just to keep it on the road. The automobile was ugly, uncomfortable and broken.
I couldn't help but notice you folks eyeing the Ghostbox Deluxe. She's a beaut, isn't she? Clean lines... striking, yet tasteful. You put one of these babies in your house and you'll feel like a movie star without paying nearly as much as you'd expect.
Some scientists believe that the dream realities we create when we sleep are just as important as the real world around us. If that's true, then our opinions within those dream realities should be just as valid.
Acetone writes about his cats in a lame attempt to get attention.
P. B. Fouke, champion of the fur industry, returns from the brink of death to save the trade from certain doom, oust the mad Captain H. W. Grieves, re-unite his company, offer hitherto unheard of savings, and apologize for not being able to do enough for his hundreds of thousands of loyal customers.
I was born with what are known as "fused genitals," which means my penis and testicles are, in simple terms, all one thing. Imagine a guy's testicles, and that one of the testicles is about 6 inches long and really lumpy.
Towering figures of history have the same needs and urges as any other person. They buy the same products and they get pissed off when those products suck. Learn what separates their angry letters from our angry letters.
The Presidential Primaries are rapidly approaching. In response to this fact, we present to you a complete voting guide for anyone clueless on how they want to use their valuable percentage of a percentage in the American decision-making process. This week: the Democrats.
An exclusive look at the third string quarterback's clipboard, which is slightly more important than the third string quarterback himself.
The End Times are approaching, but you can get a taste of things to come thanks to Google Future. This incredible new Google News innovation allows you a glimpse at the headlines of tomorrow. Find out just how terrible the Tribulation is going to become.
Learn the secrets of Metal Gear Solid 4, and perhaps the identity of that charming monkey???
At long last our favorite television shows are coming home. As you sit waiting with open arms for the return of your long gone friends, I have prepared a guide telling you what to expect from each televised offering. This guide contains no spoilers, but still hates you nonetheless.
Grandma uses the power of email to keep us filled in on current family happenings. Now with prayers!
The spread of nonlethal and less-lethal weapons among modern police forces has had both positive and negative impacts on society. On the plus side: hilarious tasering videos. On the minus side: you getting tasered.
Embarrassing one’s self sucks, especially when surrounded by Europeans. The only way to secure your pride is by being well read. Instead of spending hours reading delicate, well written travel books filled with beautiful pictures, read my two-page summary and enjoy the world through my eyes.
An outdated terrorist group who still goes door-to-door and shouts "Boo!" tries its best to catch up with its competitors.
Hollywood hates you, but we love you! Heed our warnings about this fall's upcoming wastes of money and you might just survive with your self-respect intact.
A lonely farmer wonders where Asshole Physics has gone.
I'm not a hick, you know. I'm not some country bumpkin you can push around. You can call me all the nasty names you want: a yokel, a rube, a hayseed; I've heard them all. It doesn't bother me. Maybe you're not used to seeing a man with a rooster on a leash, but you're no better than me.
The new reality show Kid Nation allows 40 children under the age of 16 to create their own society without adult supervision. Will they create a utopia better than adults or will they drink bleach and rule one another through fear? Find out what happens in these carefully-researched spoilers.
Recently, I came across a website that catalogs covers of old gay erotic books, and I spent awhile looking through it. Unfortunately, only the covers were provided, so I just had to guess at what each book was about. WARNING: Due to the nature of the covers, most of these guesses ended up being about gay men.
While there will always be a few horrible programs to keep food on Aaron Sorkin's table, the content on television is generally more entertaining and compelling than anything available at your local movie theater. There is, however, just one tiny thing that could make TV even better: A fuckton of censorship.
A brochure that explains Wizardique's multi-sensory spa experience and their commitment to healthy wizardry.
Guest writer Raymond "Pillow Pants" Huffman teaches you how to put Internet bullies in their place.
FALC, the premiere magazine for young falconry and bird of prey enthusiasts, keeps constant track of the hottest stars in falconry and the top 20 movers and shakers in the world of falconry stunts.
Candid answers from American voters on a selection of topics. Their responses range from blunt to strange and just about all points between.
Three men were sent to the hospital when this famous show tried to cover the grossest job in America: the porn industry.
Ever since Johnny Depp created Gonzo journalism, internet nerds and drugheads everywhere have latched on to the fad. What if these indulgent first-person narratives posing as actual works of journalism were popular with real people, though?
Using scientific methods learned on the streets of his suburban high school, Harry Hyperbole dissects the upcoming Osama Bin Laden video.
All you need to know about the happiest tourist trap on Earth.
Snorbs.com, the top internet debunker of urban legends, tackles recent claims that terrorists are warning us not to use the "top brown" setting on our toaster ovens. Is it true, or just more scaremongering?
Find out how someone with no sense of adventure lives their life and works aboard a Firefly class, in this gripping tail of a blue-collar space western.
"The Politically Incorrect Guides". Each guide covers an important world topic, and provides a reasoned, logical opinion on that topic. For instance: global warming (doesn't exist), Islam (it's bad), Darwinism (doesn't exist), and science (it's bad). I went ahead and came up with some of my own concepts for future titles in the series.
Science is a fragile thing, always adjusting to new theories and discoveries. There are far fewer incontrovertible facts about the universe we live in than you might think. So what exactly can scientists say with 100% certainty?
Although you may not be aware of it, there was a major war fought over Lake Michigan this summer.
Gentleman correspondent Addison Hillsdale IV gives you the scoop on local Asian restaurant Wok and Roll.
It has always been a dream of mine to write an entire update about cat urine. Maybe I've already done that, I can't remember. Regardless, please enjoy today's update about cat urine.
Seven years into the future the world is a waistland. The Fat of the Land are the standard, but what's in the news? Find out thanks to Google's latest innovation, Google Future. Bringing you headlines from up to 75 years into tomorrow.
Craigslist.org has become the most popular website in the nation for finding used wheelchairs and obese women. Every personal advertisement is a mixture between raw homemade pornography and that table in middle school filled with weird kids.
Jurassic Park IV is about government-trained dinosaurs killing people with guns. If that was the idea they settled on, what sort of screwed up plots didn't get the green light?
Everyone ponders the question of whether or not we're alone in the universe, so how about a little time for the question of whether or not we even want to know the answer. That first contact isn't all that it's cracked up to be.
Got a bad case of the runs, a double chin, and find that no girls will talk to you? Then you've got BioShock fever!
Another look back at the old Boruff & Davies Catalogue Co. and the fine products it sold to extremely crazy people.
The internet world was rocked this weekend when a new program, Wikipedia Scanner, confirmed that corporations habitually edit their own Wikipedia entries to whitewash criticism and add their PR spin. Something Awful has a full report of the shocking edits.
A selection of Benjamin Franklin's lost aphorisms are just a few of the fine-but-forgotten quotations from famous people included in this article.
Nardo Pace, the Empire's worst engineer (who went on to become the Empire's most unemployed engineer), welcomes you to his store and explains the inner workings of his favorite gadgets.
Thirteen weeks have been blessed with the honeyed kiss of the Great American Reach Around, but this is the last hurrah. Find out all you ever wanted to know about Arizona, plus a whole lot more. Read up on Croatia, Spain, Italy, Denmark, and more! We're overflowing with international friendship and fat jokes about Americans.
Let the Simcity Board of Advisors instruct you in the ways of government, at least until you get bored and put in all the cheat codes.
A great terror has befallen our peaceful anime club. Our High Chancellor of Manga, Lieutenant of Giant Mech Suits, Female Android Specialist, Master Sergeant of Cosplay, and Designated Keeper of All Original Copies, Greg, has forcibly lost possession of approximately 85% of the club's anime holdings. Friends of Anime-- this is a call to arms!
Harry Hyperbole presents this year's finest selection of yearbook slams.
Gregory Hitch found the greatest archaeological site in history. Unfortunately, he and the site went missing after his disappearance. A team of explorers has unearthed the famous doctor’s journal, which I am sharing with you.
Stranglehold is the sequel to John Woo's masterpiece Hard Boiled, in video game form. Will this be a successful follow-up to one of the best action movies of all time? Join me as I take a look at the newly released demo through the eyes of Inspector Tequila.
Jesus-killers, islamofascists, and vampires beware! Within this article you will find the greatest collection of Christian iconography known to man or beast. Your skin will crack and turn red, your blood will boil, and steam will roll from your body as you endure the Crucifun!
I went to some Dodger games and here is what I thought about that event in my life.
Restaurant reviews of Miguel's Taco Express, home the most hauntingly good taco ever conceived – if you can find it.
A detailed analysis of this week's rope trick market, showing the rise and fall of all your favorite tricks, from the Hillbilly Handshake to the Millionaire's Mustache.
Google Future gives us a glimpse of tomorrow as it may be up to 75 years into a possible future. It comes complete with News+, a fully-searchable database of news and headlines. This time around we use it to look forward to 2011 and the Ron Paul Presidency.
Sometimes, without meaning to, an advertisement can appear to have a secret racist message. This seems to be happening a lot recently, and so a special SomethingAwful investigative team takes a look.
It's only natural that fans will be saddened when a man as controversial as Barry Bonds breaks the home run record, but that's no reason to stop loving sports. There are plenty of other great records out there to focus on!
Alaska, Colorado, Russia, and Switzerland. What do these three things have in common? Well, first of all, there are four of them there you fucking moron. Second, they're all featured in this week's installment of the Great American Reach Around! Huzzah!
A report on why voting is important - voting for Proposition 43 exclusively.
Man vs. Wild, the popular Discovery Channel show pitting a deranged lunatic against nature, continues to garner criticism for its staged scenarios. The criticism reaches critical mass as I reveal even more secrets the evil puppet masters at the Discovery Channel didn't want you to know about Bear Grylls and his so-called survival techniques.
About three hours ago, I was getting out of the shower and I slipped and fell on a yogurt lid. Now that I've had a little while to rest and reflect, I've decided that instead of writing a regular update, I'm going to offload every memory I can think of right now into you.
The grind of long deployments has inspired some soldiers in Iraq to make a little music. Check out what they have achieved.
The heat during the summer can decrease motivation. Luckily for you, I have compiled a list of my all-time favorite activities along with pros and cons. Now all you have to do is pick one. So weigh your options and yourself, and come outside!
NCAA Football 08's in-depth Campus Legend mode lets you create a high school football player and work your way up to become the best athlete to play the sport at your favorite university. This is my character's journey to becoming a legendary screw up.
A case study of a victim of Asperger's Syndrome designed to promote a better understanding of this new and terrible illness sweeping the Internet. Get out your stethoscopes, because once you're done reading this article it might just be time for a self-diagnosis.
It's the end of the world as we know it. Let's check the economy and your money.
Serious workplace productivity consultant Dr. David Thorpe offers an easy-to-follow guide on workplace efficiency. Learn the ABCs of productivity, from avoiding cannibals to keeping plenty of Web 2.0 geese on hand,
With P. B. Fouke out of commission due to a brain tumor, the brutal Captain H. W. Grieves takes control of the Fouke Fur Company and institutes harsh measures against mutineers and competitors.
The Grandpa Story Xchange lets you trade, sell, and buy grandpa stories! No story too boring and no topic too strange. The ultimate stop for your grandpa story needs!
Hey guys, I'm Joshua Taylor. I'm a proud home schooled Christian, and I love my mom and also Jesus. The pope said some stuff I didn’t like, and I’m not gonna stand for it! I’m going to write about it on the internet instead. Read what I’ve written if you love Jesus.
When their historical database gets fried, scholars from the far future attempt to piece together the ancient past using the only thing that survives: random text snippets from a corrupted copy of today's internet.
California and South Africa await a visit from the Great American Reach Around. Dare you thrust betwixt these two lands of intrigue? You dare!
I write to you today a broken and pitiful man. My head has spent the last 6 days in my hands and my dreams lay broken at my feet. In what was to be a digestive alley-oop, it was found last Wednesday that I cannot buy a bucket. My friends, I was burgin.
Cobra, GI Joe, and Red October are all hunting for the Great Seal of Alaska in the frozen north. What does a lost city of Cossacks and a 150 year old steam ship have to do with it? You'll have to read the article to find out, but it's a safe bet that it's really stupid!
Worms overfloweth from my ass, make sure it doesn’t happen to you! An infestation can happen at any time, so be careful and learn about my pinworm paranoia before you too are overwhelmed with worms!
Secret agent Erin Esurance's spiral into madness, as told by her colleagues. A cautionary tale that explores the razor thin line between enthusiasm for insurance and obsession.
Cobra attempts to take over Alaska using a legal loophole and a gem-encrusted cup. Can Tomax and Xamot pull off their nefarious scheme, or will the Joes deftly thwart them? How about neither.
This year's E3 sucked. Read all the news you don't give a damn about right here.
LivingXL is the catalog for the worldly, sophisticated, and morbidly obese man. Peruse its pages to find exciting products and read tales of adventure and high society!
Tired of negativity? SUNNY19 Action News is your positive news source.
AdventureQuest is an absolutely free Flash-based RPG that you can play on your lunchbreak, when the big game servers go down, or even for hours and hours every single day! It's fun and simple, but at the same time it has dragons! Adventure always waits around every corner in AdventureQuest. Also quests!
The problem with witches is that they look like ordinary 13 year olds, which gives Japanese men no choice but to corner and feel up every young girl they come across.
Week ten of the Great American Reach Around takes us to Texas and Mexico.
A look at a terrible anti-drug comic that tried to keep kids off the streets and on lousy computers.
In which it is proposed that, for the benefit of hungry sinners everywhere, the Church provide Lunchables of the Lord.
Fighting the Great Satan ain't what it used to be. Find out what went wrong with terrorism and why.
The Deadwood and John From Cincinnati scribe reveals all, teaching young screenwriters a variety of lessons such as the importance of overly complex and unnatural dialog.
Fur mogul A.P. Brown responds to his critics and reacts to the needs of his respected customers.
Something Awful takes a look at America's love affair with the spelling bee.
A glimpse at the the DynaMars Corporation's Ares Station Command Queue and the important decisions facing the leader of the finest living and research colony on Mars.
In this update Something Awful staffer Evan "Pantsfish" Wade recants the tale of his trip through the Vlogosphere. If you haven't experienced the art of "vrolling" (vlog trolling), you haven't really lived.
A rambling and nearly pointless review of "The Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce. Featuring cameos by P.J. O'Rourke, Thomas Friedman, Dennis Miller, and various other public figures aching to be submerged in molten lead.
In the beginning, King Kandy created two candy beings: a peppermint stick, and a purple gumdrop. They went their separate ways and somehow had lots of peppermint and gumdrop kids. The gumdrops chose a red square right around the center of Candy Land and built a temple to King Kandy just to show off how cool they were. And that's when it started...
Welcome to Comic Corner, a new semi-regular feature devoted to comic books, webcomics, and various soups and stews. In this highly original first installment, we remember Superman's Golden Age adventures in the exact same way we paid homage to Batman, Wolverine, Flash, Hulk, and Captain America in recent weeks.
Week nine of the Great American Reach Around finishes out the South with Miami, Florida and New Orleans, Louisiana, then heads across the Atlantic to our old friends in Germany to check out Darmstadt and Mayen.
A journey to the center of Fluttershy, the 900-pound queen bee vlogger who’s been taking YouTube by (fat) storm!
The nominations are in for the 11th annual Goku erotic fanfiction awards. Celebrate the nominees in the four major categories, including a look at the three up-and-coming erotic fanfiction authors of 2007.
Wikigroaning is the game of finding pairs of similar Wikipedia articles-- one nerdy, one not. Then, you take a look at both and see how informative, long, and complete they are. Is the nerdy one quite a bit moreso? Did you just groan audibly out of frustration, sadness, or disbelief? You've just found a wikigroan!
P. B. Fouke responds to the competition, challenges them to pluck out their eyeballs, marries a beautiful woman, and welcomes his newest employee, Captain H. W. Grieves.
Want to know what's going on with your favorite Hollywood celebrities? Like Paris Hilton? Yeah, you like Paris Hilton don't you? Of course, everybody loves Paris Hilton! Get ready for DMZ!
Thank you for tuning into Something Awful's liveblog coverage of the keynote address at Apple's World Wide Developer's Conference 2007. The event begins at 10AM on Monday June 11th, but due to the distances involved in internet communication, our live entries might be delayed by up to five days. Just keep hitting that refresh button!
An exploration of unusual and interesting books deemed unfit for the Bible.
Find out where your Something Awful Forums registration fee is going in this tell-all update.
I'm throwing mud in the eyes of anti-spoiler crybabies in the form of spoilers for many popular shows. Read and get hit in the face with mud!
This illustrated guide to America's native t-shirts helps you make sense of the colorful plumage of your fellow man. Learn scientific facts about Dragon Shirts, Brand Shirts, Band Shirts, Jesus/Weed Parody Shirts and even the elusive Idiot Shirt.
Zack, America and the Internet react to the series finale of the Sopranos.
Three times before we invited distinguished authors, scientists, and miscellaneous thinkers to discuss important problems of the day. Today's question of import: Is the long anticipated Transformers live action movie, directed by Michael Bay and hitting theaters on June 13 (mark your calendars!), going to be a super or sub-par?
The strategies that made their way into the final draft of The Art Of War are still studied and employed today, but the boneheaded tactics that appeared in early revisions are just as fascinating.
Deep inside week eight of the GARA takes us to the Deep South and Scandinavia.
Nerds battle LiveJournal for their god-given right to be disgusting.
A brief discussion on the recent Democratic presidential debate, the magic it contained, the hopes it excreted, and the dreams it inspired.
A game was created, and the premise is quite simple. First, find a Wikipedia article that normal people might read. For example, "Knight." Then, find a somehow similar article that is longer, but also useless to 99% of people. In this case, "Jedi Knight." Open both of the links and compare the lengths of the two articles. Are you depressed yet?
Rock may go with roll, hip may go with hop, but do musicians belong in sci-fi movies? 'No' is the correct answer.
How much more ridiculous can Law & Order: SVU get? We take a look at selected episodes from the upcoming ninth season of the show to see where the series can possibly go after eight years of dulling and finally breaking Occam's Razor clean in half.
YouTalk takes a look at what the world is saying about fanciful female beating videos.
Quotes from Internet visionaries help put this whole web thing into perspective.
A review of the new comeback album from the Outer Rim jizz band Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes.
David Thorpe infiltrates Fanime, an anime convention in San Jose. The wonders and horrors of anime are laid bare before the incredulous eyes of the "normal" world.
The Hate Foundation is a non-profit think tank devoted to studying and identifying subjects worthy of hatred.
A completely unauthorized reproduction of the Kansas City Royals versus the Minnesota Twins. If you read this, you are breaking the law and will go to jail and probably die.
It was the best birthday of little Clark's life, but now it's time to pay the ultimate price. It's time to write thank you notes.
GARA week 7 takes us to Appalachia and Japan.
Bob “BobServo” Mackey sits down with pirate songsmith Jimmy Buffett to find out why being a musician is really about having the best restaurant chain. Shove over, Kenny Rogers!
A glimpse into the magical world of old and the everyday items people depended on for survival and comfort, as seen through the looking glass of mail order catalogs.
Dr. Creswell, famed psychic, predicts the future in his 1952 book. Discover the far-flung future of 1996.
Every great book starts off as ten stinkers. After reading Tolkien's rough drafts for the first chapter of The Hobbit, you'll come away with a newfound appreciation for the final version.
Dig in deep to the Anonymous Atheist Complaint Box and discover what is troubling America's many dozens of atheists.
In this update we'll examine the widespread Xbox 360 manufacturing problem and what you can do to fix it without giving in to Microsoft's $160 repair scam.
This particularly feisty edition of Starwire! is reprinted from the July 8th, 1972 issue of The Los Angeles Barrow. Rocky, still half-bearded and a little punchy from the Academy Awards just six months prior, brings us up to speed on all the entertainment industry gossip. His inimitable style permeates each morsel of Hollywoof madness!
A fine selection of great comments and witticisms from the world of YouTube.
Lost had a major reveal this week: The mysterious villain Jacob. The scene was...disappointing. In this spirit, I will be considering some other disappointing villain reveals throughout history. Warning: If you are one of the few who still care about Lost and haven’t seen last episode, there are a few spoilers. Read 'em anyway, you pussy.
These revisions to The Illustrated Kama Sutra are solely intended for males who make a living writing humor and video game articles on the internet. These positions contain advanced concepts and techniques that could result in horrific injuries and significant mental anguish for normal men.
GARA week 6: Baltimore, Wilmington, Washington, plus Australia and New Zealand
WARNING: The following journal entries chronicle the horrifying tale of two men trapped in a department store during the worst and only zombie outbreak the world has ever seen.
A pleasant look at some of the exciting and exotic creatures you'll find living at the average zoo, their mannerisms, and their hopes and dreams.
Awfulpedia, a free Internet encyclopedia anyone can contribute to, takes a look at the truly important aspects of babies.
Be careful what you wish for in certain relationships, you might just end up having Aliens quoted to you during sex.
Now that the Hulk has departed this world for the great big temper tantrum in the sky, we remember his most incredible comic book adventures.
On Tuesday a clash involving protesters, the media, several LAPD officers, and anyone else who wanted in on it broke out in a park near Downtown L.A. In this update we'll talk to a couple of eyewitnesses and set the record straight on this story once and for all.
Christians from all over America leave messages in the Anonymous Christian Complaint Box.
Losing an internet argument with grace can put you so far ahead on the secret internet score sheet that not even a direct order from Bill Gates himself could keep you off the internet high score board. How do you go about doing this? I am so glad you asked.
Always finding out about stuff that happened on the internet after the fact through icky second-hand links? Make the most of your time online by checking Internet Guide's listings to find out what's happening on the biggest websites and when you need to tune in.
The Great American Reach Around Continues with a visit to New England and Canada!
My epic struggle to bring capitalism to its knees, thoroughly documented in handy HTML format.
The harrowing last moments of a doomed aristocrat, determined to enjoy the niceties of life before they are lost forever.
Todd "Goliath" Goldman, founder of merchandising company David & Goliath, apparently unknowingly duplicated a piece of art drawn by SA's resident artist, Shmorky, and then turned around to sell this divine coincidence for profit. How the heck did this happen?! Let's get to the bottom of this crazy mystery!
The PlayStation 3 sucks. Here's some words about that.
A look at the genius of Richard McBeef, a play written by Cho Seung-Hui, a certain South Korean who's been in the news lately for some reason.
Now that Batman has departed this world for the great big batcave in the sky, we remember his most incredible comic book adventures.
A look at a bunch of different kinds of chicks and why they suck.
Acetone calls in sick to work, but is he telling the truth? Find out for yourself in this dramitization of what happens when you lay it all on the line for what you believe in.
Welcome to the Internet Discount Barn's spring fire sale, bringing you the greatest deals on the least-wanted merchandise in the world. Who cares if it's dangerous, immoral or ill-gotten? It's CHEAP!
Chef Groot Moredo takes us on a tour of the dark side of the Rebel Alliance's food services.
Hi there! I’m a 13 year old home-schooled Christian, and I’m real proud of it! You might remember me from the time I took drugs with gay devil-worshipping bikers. My youth minister says that Jesus frowned when he saw that article. So to make things up to Jesus, I’m going to be answering questions from you readers. Let’s get started!
Bathroom stalls predate mankind by nearly a thousand years, and the practice of writing on them originated ten years before that. Further your cultural knowledge by joining us in examining the greatest pieces of contemporary bathroom stall literature.
Week four of GARA and part two of our look at the Northeast United States brings us to New York and the two Irelands.
If you're an animation fan, you probably hate anything made in the past four decades. But, most importantly, you hate yourself. Join me and take a step into the minds of those most obsessed with this niche hobby.
My favorite pastime on Wikipedia is browsing the community's user pages. I saw a dude with psoriasis once. Well I mean, I didn't actually see the psoriasis, but he had a little box on his personal page that said, "This user has psoriasis." I had to know more. Not about psoriasis, about these classy little boxes that fill up everyone's user pages!
The Creation Science Academy for Kids Presents a look at some of the most amazing creations on this planet.
From Raiden to the Highlander, Christopher Lambert has played some of film's most iconic B-movie characters. Now, at long last, you can experience the sweet agony of being notified that he is breaking up with you. And here you were thinking you had so much in common!
Now that the Flash has departed this world for the great big sidewalk in the sky, we remember his most incredible comic book adventures.
Every episode of the Sopranos is about Tony breathing heavy while he rolls a fork around in pasta.
The rebroadcast of Nerd Rage News' coverage of the gaming event of the century, and the riots that followed.
Fascinating Facts that will give you in edge in the trivia battle that is life.
Find out what manner of profound idiocy I have committed in the presence of celebrities.
There is no way to say this that could make it any more bizarre than it already is: A recent kite festival in Pakistan resulted in 11 deaths and over 100 injuries. But festivals are often deadly. Which is why, every year, crack researchers at SomethingAwful Inc. organize an exhaustive list of festivals, fairs and other events...gone wrong.
Take a peek into the inbox of Nardo Pace, the Galactic Empire's most prolific and least talented engineer.
The GARA finishes up our look at the Midwest and heads to Greece and Turkey.
Meet Marc Norton, the Dark Lord of Furniture. For years his black magic has corrupted the Cleveland area. Now, thanks to YouTube, his David Lynchian commercials have spread the septic tentacles of Norton Furniture throughout the Internet. Join me and stare into the gaping mouth of madness!
Everything you ever wanted to know about Barrels of Fun but were too normal to ask or even consider.
For years, a young man known as XOZero wrote anarchist text files and spread them around the early Internet, hoping to bring down the establishment and set in motion a new world order in which he would be free to commit crimes, buy and sell what he wants, and watch TV all day without having to go to gym class.
Too Much Information looks at the 59 reasons given by the MPAA for Bad Lieutenant's NC-17 rating
A look at the 24 coolest things Evan "Pantsfish" Wade did, in no particular order. If you like vaguely racist stories involving college life and fecal matter, you'd be remiss to pass this one over!
Now that Wolverine has departed this world for the great big guest appearance in the sky, we remember his most incredible comic book adventures.
The first installment of the Great American Reach Around takes us to the Midwest and France!
Chad Warden takes his popular YouTube video and takes off in an entralling discussion on why the PS3 remains the dominant home entertainment console in 2007.
The most chilling and terrifying science fiction story about giant alien robots with claws attacking Earth yet written.
This easy-to-follow guide provides effective methods to mitigate even the most embarrassing situations: calling your teacher "mom," leaning back too far in your chair, responding to a confusing handshake, and offending the disabled.
The list of the ten best dwarfs that have ever scurried their way through human history. Actually there was a tie for one of them so there are eleven, but people are confused and frightened by lists that number greater than ten.
Hi, I'm Joshua. Usually I'm a pretty good kid but, like many Christian home schooled kids, I sometimes feel the need to rebel. Which is why one time I took drugs with a bunch of devil worshipping gay bikers. Most of you probably don't understand the world as much as I do, so I thought I'd tell you a little about what it's really like to take drugs.
There are far too many misconceptions about Randy floating around out there. Is everything we've heard true? Is any of it? The man himself sets the record straight.
Meet James Slunch, a fat man with a big heart. Unfortunately not big enough to support his massive, disgusting body.
The tragic and forgotten story of the 5-H Club, chief rival of 4-H, is told at long last.
Purple Book began as an investigation into a mysterious figure known as the Spectral Hustler, so called because he appears seemingly out of nowhere to hustle those he considers to be busters.
Martin Goldenstein stops by from Variety Magazine and gives us the inside scoop on some major deals in the movbiz. You will not believe what Tom Cruise is up to these days.
Selected readings from Kevin Smith's "My Boring Ass Life" Blog, as the director searches his soul in the face of creating another masterpiece.
Now that Captain America has departed this world for the great big America in the sky, we remember his most incredible comic book adventures.
Two guards at an advanced biotech lab come to a startling conclusion about their employer.
It's a phenomenon called nerd rage, and Frontline examines the reasons behind it and the consequences of flipping the hell out online.
A page recovered from the classic Boruff & Davies Catalogue Co.'s famed catalogue, which marketed all manner of essential items to the common man at reasonable prices.
CyberFrontiers is a webzine focusing on the future of cyberspace: virtual reality, fractals, cyberpunk literature, and much more!
It is the year 20XX and the United States of America has come to an end. Its will and testament is all that remains. Find out who gets what and why, in this tragic article.
Search results can tell a story. Sometimes, search results can tell stories we would never otherwise hear about. This is one such story. It is a tale of love, passion, murder, and fat people. It is...The Google Diaries.
Theoretical physicist Michi Kaku travels through time with a sketchpad, describing modern technology to historical figures and asking them to draw their interpretations of the gadgets for his twisted amusement.
Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones has been accused of spitting on women, punching them in the head and having people shot. Jones boldly refutes the claims of the authorities and witnesses in this exciting article. Prepare to have the scales lifted from your eye holes.
The words "greatest television show ever" are thrown around a lot these days; but what series is truly worth this unique distinction?
Psychologists reveal that college students are narcissists, thus forever sullying the name of higher education and inadvertently dooming the practice of psychology in the process.
It's been a while since I've had the opportunity to sit down and write something, but I have a really, really good excuse: I've been moving! I also just happened to have my camera phone with me and was able to document a great deal of the moving process for posterity (and to forever warn others against moving).
The final installment of the Gregori Baikov saga. Gregori teaches me the value of Master Insulting and the night ends with drama and violence.
Something Awful writer Evan "Pantsfish" Wade submits himself to a brutal contest involving condiments, Mello Yello, and Google Patents.
The greatest fights in the history of fighting, which dates back at least 50 years.
Part two of the Gregori Baikov saga, back by popular demand. The Eastern Bloc Master Insulter returns to share his business plan and clue me into the high-risk lifestyle of being an insulter. Plus, free sandwiches!
A thieving comic threatens to destroy any amount of integrity stand up comedy has left. Will good triumph over evil? Find out in this harrowing update where it gets kind of weird at the end.
A recollection of my experiences on a jury with Gregori Baikov, Master Insulter. Prepare to be stunned by his mastery of the art of insulting things.
What does it mean when a race of robots created by man have feelings and problems similar to that of humanity? Which biblical character is your favorite science fiction author comparing his main character to this time? Now, for the first time, an easy answer to all these questions.
A doctor talks his wife through a thoroughly disturbing and completely normal childbirth as he rushes home.
Announcing the launch of Obamawatch, a political think tank that monitors the world's most dangerous Presidential candidate: Barack Hussein Obama.
Have you ever wanted your total debt to escalate from sub-epic to epic? Do you want to alienate your friends, family, and co-workers with your shocking lack of ignorance? In our current setting, where educated people are held in contempt more than ever, now has never been a better time to enter graduate school. Allow me to show you why.
The wit and wisdom of a grandfather passed onto his grandchildren, who are no more than foul imposters because he has no grandchildren.
Life, death, they're all the same with Emmanuel. The once-famous clown, who sunk to obscurity after contracting a terminal illness, describes his life, his thoughts, and his struggles in these diary entries, pulled from his belongings after his death.
Russian women have cornered the market on bridal retailing for too long. It’s time for red-blooded American men to rise up and topple this communist vagina monopoly and bring fairness back to the marketplace. I have organized the first ever American Mail Order Husband catalog to tackle this trade deficit with the East.
In this update Evan "Pantsfish" Wade expresses his love for slasher hero Michael Myers (also known as the biggest badass of all time).
The rules of poker are as old as history and twice as important. Join me as I struggle to learn them, it might save your life.
A comparison between the modern multimedia environment and the fear of being stabbed by a ninja through a shoji screen. Maybe that's one of our guards, or maybe that's a member of the foot clan about to put a shuriken between our eyes!
think Something Awful is going to be the only publication in the world to even mention California Adventure's 6th anniversary. Disney web sites aren't even talking about it. I don't think Disney itself is acknowledging the anniversary or that the park still exists. How did it ever come to this?
Another take on the Lisa Nowak outer space love triangle.
The true story of one man's quest to dance, and the origin of the legendary phrase
George R.R. Martin, Cormac McCarthy, Neal Stephenson, Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson review fast food.
About a month ago I returned from a trip to Cambodia. Here are some Helpful Quick-Facts about Cambodia: 1. More landmines per square mile than any other country. 2. More amputees per capita than any other country. 3. I went there.
The Cartoon Network's bomb scare is only the latest in a long line of disastrously horrible ad ideas.
The last words and last meals of those bound for execution.
A response to all of those
Part two of the many unseen deaths of Jet Li.
My grandmother simultaneously discovers e-mail and the easiest way to shatter my soul.
Part one of a chronicle of the unseen deaths of Jet Li.
Do women fear your wealth, good looks, charm and taste? Fear not: this guide will transform you from ultra-mod to ultra-slob.
Wacky morning zoo DJs lead to deaths throughout American history.
Cambodia is hot, tropical, and there are enough landmines to kill a couple major US cities while still having a few left over to mutilate three or four villages worth of peasants. I went there and took some pictures.
Corin Tucker's Stalker turns to you for help in locating his favorite childhood toys.
The PNAC Newsletter provides frequently updated information about cryptozoology.
A real-world view of an anime convention from a real-world nerd. Feel the passive aggression!
A page from a classic edition of the Boruff & Davies Catalogue, offering fine quality merchandise at prices affordable to the common tramp.
Flourfans rise up.
Cindy Sheehan has written a letter of complaint to Betty Crocker. It's what Casey would have wanted.
In this article the Internet White Knight is revealed to the public and mocked.
The unabridged Boy Scout Pledge
John Madden explains the secrets of space and time in the way only he can.
A completely accurate listing of the top questions asked by Internet users in 2006.
Something Awful's David Thorpe prepares for his death with a bizarre document to be read by his heirs.
Wonder no longer about the things that will not amuse our future robotic overlords.
Slimeboys was basically the best show with a cast of lepers and a filming location in the back of a pizza place. SlimeMaster42 is basically the expert on Slimeboys and all Slimeboys related trivia (except The New Slimeboys, that show is totally gay). Read about how his interest led to a prison in Romania and stuff.
The cost of playing games may not be obvious, but once they are you can see them.
Oprah Winfrey's charity school in South Africa is not without its detractors, which is me. I'm the detractor. Zack Parsons.
A fun and exciting trip into the corporate world of pyramid building! Enjoy being talked down to by brainless managers, just as you would at any modern job!
A brief but objective analyses of the looming threat posed by weaponized psychic birds.
What would the first meeting between humans and aliens look like?
The last survivors of the Rapture do battle against for the forces of anti-christ Nicholas Carpathia and his Global Peacekeepers. They also have a meeting once a month to discuss internal disciplinary issues.