This article is part of the SA Celebrity Stalker series.
Celebrities Ahoy! Our keen-eyed starmongers caught wind of the following triumphant sightings!
Matt LauerYesterday @ 3am
Spotted Today Show star Matt Lauer taking a shower at about 3am this morning. Serious early bird! Once he caught me I had to run like hell. Nearly tripped and fell climbing out of his second story window.
John GoodmanYesterday @ 11am
His beard has grown out of control and was entangling at least a dozen people inside a downtown Starbucks. It was like a spider web, only worse. A lady was screaming "where's my baby?" but nobody knew. Nobody knew.
Mike MyersYesterday @ 1pm
Saw Mike with his arm stuck inside a vending machine. I think he was trying to cheat the system. Anyway, 5-6 members of his entourage were running around screaming and yelling, completely panicked. Hope he found what he was looking for in there.
Morgan FreemanYesterday @ 4pm
Was wandering through the woods and stumbled onto a cave. Morgan Freeman was inside, and he gave me some sagely advice. I decided to go back in college and ended up curing cancer. It's been a pretty busy day.
Ben StillerYesterday @ 5pm
This one takes the cake - literally! I was carrying a cake home when Benny Boy ran up plucked it right out of my hands. I chased after him, but he was just too fast. All I could do was throw my hat on the ground and kick it in disgust.
Dennis HopperYesterday 7 6pm
Enough! For the last 8 days Hopper has been chasing me around town in a helicopter. He flies around my house and swoops in real low. He is ruining my life. I want him to stop, but the police are afraid of him......
Bradley WhitfordToday @ 11am
Saw superstar Brad buying about 30 bottles of generic cola from Costco. WTF? You make me sick dude. Buy some real fucken cola you faggot.
Charlie SheenToday @ 11am
Had a random encounter with Charlie Sheen. He was fighting off six bandits, and made short work of them all as I watched on. Then he started firing at me. I got the hell out of there before he got me. Not a fan anymore!!!
Sheryl CrowToday @ 2pm
Spotted her feeding the ducks in Central Park. Well, she wasn't so much feeding them as working them into a mad frenzy. I swear to god she's going to get someone killed!
Ben Affleck & Matt DamonToday @ 5pm
Saw this hunky bromance trying on sweaters at the GAP. They kept giggling at each other and it made me very angry because I just had a miscarriage this morning.
Christopher MeloniYesterday @ 4pm
Spotted the Sexy Victims Unit star siphoning gas from cars parked alongside 15th St. Wasn't sure if he was filming for Law & Order or just doing it on his own time. Seemed very determined yet courteous.
Martin LawrenceToday @ 9pm
Aww damn!! Martin!! Turns out the guy has no arms. Seriously. He's got hands coming out of his shoulders and it's hella creepy. Still a great guy and he gave me some grapes he had on his person.
Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
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