This article is part of the SA Celebrity Stalker series.
Celebrities Ahoy! Our keen-eyed starmongers caught wind of the following triumphant sightings!
Matt LauerYesterday @ 3am
Spotted Today Show star Matt Lauer taking a shower at about 3am this morning. Serious early bird! Once he caught me I had to run like hell. Nearly tripped and fell climbing out of his second story window.
John GoodmanYesterday @ 11am
His beard has grown out of control and was entangling at least a dozen people inside a downtown Starbucks. It was like a spider web, only worse. A lady was screaming "where's my baby?" but nobody knew. Nobody knew.
Mike MyersYesterday @ 1pm
Saw Mike with his arm stuck inside a vending machine. I think he was trying to cheat the system. Anyway, 5-6 members of his entourage were running around screaming and yelling, completely panicked. Hope he found what he was looking for in there.
Morgan FreemanYesterday @ 4pm
Was wandering through the woods and stumbled onto a cave. Morgan Freeman was inside, and he gave me some sagely advice. I decided to go back in college and ended up curing cancer. It's been a pretty busy day.
Ben StillerYesterday @ 5pm
This one takes the cake - literally! I was carrying a cake home when Benny Boy ran up plucked it right out of my hands. I chased after him, but he was just too fast. All I could do was throw my hat on the ground and kick it in disgust.
Dennis HopperYesterday 7 6pm
Enough! For the last 8 days Hopper has been chasing me around town in a helicopter. He flies around my house and swoops in real low. He is ruining my life. I want him to stop, but the police are afraid of him......
Bradley WhitfordToday @ 11am
Saw superstar Brad buying about 30 bottles of generic cola from Costco. WTF? You make me sick dude. Buy some real fucken cola you faggot.
Charlie SheenToday @ 11am
Had a random encounter with Charlie Sheen. He was fighting off six bandits, and made short work of them all as I watched on. Then he started firing at me. I got the hell out of there before he got me. Not a fan anymore!!!
Sheryl CrowToday @ 2pm
Spotted her feeding the ducks in Central Park. Well, she wasn't so much feeding them as working them into a mad frenzy. I swear to god she's going to get someone killed!
Ben Affleck & Matt DamonToday @ 5pm
Saw this hunky bromance trying on sweaters at the GAP. They kept giggling at each other and it made me very angry because I just had a miscarriage this morning.
Christopher MeloniYesterday @ 4pm
Spotted the Sexy Victims Unit star siphoning gas from cars parked alongside 15th St. Wasn't sure if he was filming for Law & Order or just doing it on his own time. Seemed very determined yet courteous.
Martin LawrenceToday @ 9pm
Aww damn!! Martin!! Turns out the guy has no arms. Seriously. He's got hands coming out of his shoulders and it's hella creepy. Still a great guy and he gave me some grapes he had on his person.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
Youtube user HolkHogan420 has been systematically exposing all of the Illuminati's plans.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Keep up with all the latest celebrity sightings from New York to LA, and anywhere else the stars shine.