1300 Breakwynn Rd.
Hermanville, CA 93112
December 3, 2007
Dear Mr. O'Brien,
I have heard through certain sources i.e. your company's internet site that you are on the look out for a new shipping supervisor, and I am the man for this job. Allow me to explicate the rationalization as to why this is the job for me:
I am smart, hard-working, and I look good. I maintained a GPA of at least 3.7 throughout almost all of college. My volunteer work includes going to soup kitchens and making the soup better using my master chef skills, which I also have.
I have extensive experience in shipping, and have been mailing things practically my whole life. When I was young, my mother let me sit on her lap while she put stamps on letters, and ever since then I guess you could say I've gone "postal" for shipping things! I'll make sure everything is "ship shape" within my area of responsibility. If I may use fan fiction terminology for a moment, I am a me/this job "shipper".
If I had to pick what my main weakness is, it would be that if I get hired by someone, I work too hard at my job, and I take my job home, and all I'll talk about is my job, and I follow my boss home and try to get him to talk about my job at night and when he is in the bathroom also. I have tattoos from every job I've ever worked.
I am clean, dress well, shave well, and I have no piercings. I do have one tattoo, but it is in an easily concealable location.
Thank you for your consideration re:hiring me.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
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