You lift up the panties near your face and admire them. You are about to bury your face into the floral print when the woman walks in. You drop the underwear on the floor, pretending you aren't a disgusting pervert, but the woman knows better. She laughs at your blushing face and asks you to pull her finger. You've already made enough of an ass of yourself, so you comply no questions asked.
The beautiful woman quickly traps the fart in her cupped hands and brings it to you like a child who has caught a cricket.
"Now smell this." She says, lifting the trapped fart to your face.
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.