This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.
***12-22-2305 - New Entry
Good news! Resident #013 has devised a surefire solution to the hostage crisis. By pointing the Intrabladder Entanglement Pattern Buffer in the direction of the Mercury Syndicate pirates, he believes he will be able to incapacitate them all with minor bladder infections and/or frequent urination. DynaMars Corporation is throwing its full support behind this ingenious plan!
Commanding Officer Miller wishes to inform all crewmembers that anyone caught attempting to override HOLIDAY PROTOCOL TX-0992 will be severely punished.
***12-23-2305 - New Entry
Residnt #013 reports his plan has failed. Due to the extreme moisture in the Sector E Hydroponics Lab, the Intrabladder Entanglement Pattern Buffer was unable to target any of the pirates. As an unintended side effect, it has begun unloading copies of Specimen #10802-B's urine into the bladders of all nearby crew.
Chief Medical Officer Brugmann is offering antibiotics, and reminds all personnel that it is a really bad idea to carry dog urine inside your own bladder for any amount of time.
***12-24-2305 - New Entry
We regret to inform you that Commanding Officer Miller has been captured by a group of Mercury Syndicate pirates. Commanding Officer Miller was unable to defend himself as he was busy trying to evacuate the dog urine from his continuously refilling bladder.
To prevent catastrophic overflows in Sector F Waste Processing, AUTOMATIC TOILET SHUTDOWN PROTOCOL ZX9 has initiated. DynaMars Corporation kindly requests that all residents urinate in Cycnus Station Auxiliary Shed #06 until Sector F Waste Processing can catch up.
***12-25-2305 - New Entry
Commanding Officer Miller, acting at the behest of the Mercury Syndicate, managed to successfully override HOLIDAY PROTOCOL TX-0992, triggering HOLIDAY FAILSAFE CX-11951. As anticipated, HOLIDAY FAILSAFE CX-11951 immediately rescinded EMERGENCY MESS HALL MENU OVERRIDE LM-2324 via EMERGENCY HOLIDAY HAM VAPORIZATION PROTOCOL KH-9934. Sector I Mess Hall will now be serving the previously scheduled meal, consisting of a grim selection of beans.
In some good news, Resident #013 was able to retarget the malfunctioning Intrabladder Entanglement Pattern Buffer away from residents and directly at the pirates. Unfortunately, as the buffer was nearly overloaded with Specimen #10802-B's endlessly replicating urine pattern, the pirates were completely exploded along with all nearby hostages. Until further notice, the Sector E Hydroponics Lab is off limits. As a precaution, DynaMars Corporation has asked Resident #013 to unplug the Intrabladder Entanglement Pattern Buffer until further notice.
Sadly, Commanding Officer Miller and Chief Security Officer Hendren were among the casualties. Replacement personnel have already been requisitioned and are scheduled to arrive on 01-14-2306. DynaMars Corporation wishes to thank you for your hard work and understanding during this joyous holiday time!
**END OF UPDATES.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Keep up to date on the DynaMars Corporation's perpetually doomed efforts to colonize Mars.