This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.
***12-17-2305 - New Entry
DynaMars Corporation would like to apologize to the families of the eleven crewmembers taken hostage by the Mercury Syndicate. Unfortunately, several pirates survived by hiding out in the armor-protected Cycnus Station Emergency Personnel Carrier.
Chief Security Officer Hendren is confident he will be able to rescue the crewmembers before they are secreted away from Mars and auctioned off as sex slaves. He has already deployed a dozen Mobile Defense Sentry Units to hunt down and exterminate the pirates, now believed to be hiding out in the Sector E Hydroponics Lab.
The unlucky crewmembers were reportedly extremely disoriented and fatigued, making them easy prey for pirates. While many are quick to blame HOLIDAY PROTOCOL TX-0992, DynaMars Corporation feels that such conclusions are in haste. HOLIDAY PROTOCOL TX-0992 is designed solely to encourage holiday cheer by utilizing safe, time-tested delivery vectors.
***12-18-2305 - New Entry
Phase 4 of HOLIDAY PROTOCOL TX-0992 has begun! All Mobile Defense Sentry Units are now distributing hard candy in lieu of bullets. While this may interfere with Chief Security Officer Hendren's plans to kill pirates, DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind all residents that HOLIDAY PROTOCOL TX-0992 cannot be terminated without incurring extreme consequences.
In other news, Resident #013 reports that he is ready to begin human testing on his revolutionary intrabladder entanglement experiment. The bladder contents of Specimen #10802-B, a male Labrador Retriever, were successfully teleported to a nearby bucket. Although Specimen #10802-B went insane and had to be put down, humans should prove to be far more agreeable subjects.
***12-21-2305 - New Entry
Resident #013 reports a minor setback in his intrabladder entanglement experiment. It seems the Intrabladder Entanglement Pattern Buffer is unable to properly unload patterns and is endlessly duplicating the stored contents of Specimen #10802-B's bladder. To prevent total pattern buffer overload, the device must be manually voided every 108 minutes.
Commanding Officer Miller is assigning all crewmembers a shift monitoring the Intrabladder Entanglement Pattern Buffer. Shift duties include entering a code that will teleport copies of Specimen #10802-B's urine to a nearby bucket, which must then be emptied in Sector F Waste Processing.
Chief Security Officer Hendren reports that he has safely rescued three of the eleven hostages from the Mercury Syndicate pirates. Unfortunately, Chief Security Officer Hendren and the entire Cycnus Station Security Team were taken hostage in the process. DynaMars Coropration wishes Chief Security Officer Hendren and his boys the very best in getting out of this mess!
DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind all residents that suicide is not an acceptable method for evading HOLIDAY PROTOCOL TX-0992. If you are considering suicide, please report to Commanding Officer Miller for immediate reprimand.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Keep up to date on the DynaMars Corporation's perpetually doomed efforts to colonize Mars.