Mirror universe Jeff Foxworthy hails from the Massachusetts Territory in the Annexed North of the CSA. Foxworthy's gentle brand of family-friendly redneck jokes that you are familiar with in our universe have been replaced with extremely blue yankee jokes.
If you've ever been so hungry you agreed to fight a dog on video for a ration bar that you ended up trading for sex...you may be a yankee.
If you try to pay your back taxes with a kidney and your kidney bounces...you may be a yankee.
If you've ever held a saxophone for reasons other than placing the saxophone in a jazz crusher...you may be a yankee.
If you've ever defaced the swastika eagles on the German embassy with Jew stars...you may be a yankee.
If your wife's job requires you to use a toilet to wash semen out of condoms...you may be a yankee.
If you've ever been so hungry you cooked a spider and someone hungrier stole it from you at knife point...you may be a yankee.
If everybody in your family still calls it Washington instead of Davistown...you may be a yankee.
If the police ask you if you've had any dealings with the communist party and you think they're talking about sharing heroin needles...you may be a yankee.
If you've ever called your boss "master" and he's ever called you "boy" and you're not doing pay-to-play bondage in a rent boy basement...you may be a yankee.
If you have ever got so mad trying to return used toilet paper at the Aldi that you ended up on a bus to a plantation...you may be a yankee.
If you don't think all the old Disney cartoons about boiling negroes and driving tanks over Russian and Chinese people are funny you either have no sense of humor or...you may be a yankee.
If you've been in trouble with the police so many times you can recognize the police dogs and translate a fire hose...you may be a yankee.
If you have a problem with the stand your ground laws being extended to hanging lurking scalawags because "lurking scalawag" is on your citizen ID card...you may be a yankee.
If you have ever harbored a free negro in a secret room in your house because that negro was your wife...you are definitely a yankee.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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