This article is part of the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant series.
Dear Mrs. Greenback,
There is no easy way for me to put this. Your dog Croatoan will not be receiving a posthumous Best in Show award for participating in the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant. While it is tragic that your dog passed away during our judging, we assure you that was a result of the dog's rapidly declining health and no hostile action on our part.
This is an unprecedented situation for us, and one extremely troubling to our esteemed judges. Judge Chester Knap was especially horrified when Croatoan's tail fell off in his hands while he was inspecting it. This of course followed the great indignity that came when he accidentally popped one of the festering sores on Croatoan's back, which resulted in a strange orange liquid squirting into his eyeballs and staining his formal judging attire.
Judge Elizabeth Beemarsh, who relieved the ailing Knap, was unable to finish judging your dog, as the flesh supporting the giant tumor hanging beneath Croatoan's chest tore open, causing a tremendous amount of blood and viscera to spill at her feet. Both Judge Beemarsh and the entire Kennel Fair organization regret that poor Croatoan was vomited upon during this extremely sensitive moment. Judge Beemarsh assures us this was an involuntary action and was in no way intended as a slight against you or your dog.
Furthermore, when I tried to finish inspecting Croatoan to determine the quality of its breeding, I was attacked by a small swarm of wasps that poured out from the poor beast's festering chest cavity. Continuing would have been a moot point, since he dropped dead mere seconds after the wasps emerged. Thankfully, I was stung only once.
I stand firm in my belief that Croatoan's death was in no way, shape, or form caused by the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant. If blame is to be placed, I can think of no more worthy a target than you, Mrs. Greenback. You allowed your poor Croatoan to live in spite of great physical defects, prolonging his exceptional suffering. The very fact you believed him worthy of competing in our annual contest proves how detached from reality you have become.
I have the unpleasant duty of informing you that you are hereby barred from all Kennel Fair events for the next five years. I suspect Mr. Knap's lawyers will be contacting you very soon, as he is now blind in one eye and is currently fighting off an extremely aggressive flesh-eating virus.
With great displeasure,
Bernard W. Beauregard
Now with the sun and the warmth and the generally pleasant atmosphere, you can no longer blame the weather for why you've spent the last sixteen hours sitting inside. You'll need to stay on your toes if you want to stay in your chair.
This tuna ain't working, bro, and this gross hot dog needs a one way trip to go live on your uncle's Flavor Farm.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Kennel Fair is one of the premier organizations celebrating the majesty of the canine form. Through its numerous publications and ongoing Dog Pageants--hosted throughout the United States-- Kennel Fair sets the standards all dogs and their owners strive to meet.