This article is part of the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant series.
Dear Mr. Hatfield,
I am writing on behalf of Kennel Fair Dog Pageant Judge Chester Knap. He has requested that I ask you if you stole a sandwich at the most recent Kennel Fair Dog Pageant. Somebody apparently got into a private area and removed his sandwich from an unsecured refrigerator. Mr. Knap has already personally checked with every other person and dog who attended the event and verified none of them could have possibly taken his sandwich.
As Mr. Knap has been a close friend and colleague of mine for more than thirty years, I feel you owe him an honest answer.
Awaiting your prompt response,
Bernard W. Beauregard
P.S. Unfortunately your dog Tetsuo the Iron Dog failed to qualify for the semifinals. I assure you this decision had nothing to do with you stealing a sandwich from the presiding judge. It was a decision based purely on the qualities of your dog.
Dear Gomez Family,
This is not an easy letter for me to write. Unfortunately, it concerns a situation that cannot be ignored. Your dog Octavio personally embarrassed Judge Chester Knap by becoming visibly erect during one of the more intimate parts of the judging process.
This was a special day for Judge Chester Knap, who invited his wife, children and grandchildren to watch him in action. When they witnessed him unintentionally arousing your dog, they were horrified. Judge Knap felt humiliated and had to excuse himself for the day. His children and grand children, too, struggled to understand what happened and why. I cannot begin to imagine the strain this event has placed on their relationship.
Judge Knap is a good man and has never in all his thirty years of experience had to endure such a humiliation. I expect nothing less than an apology from Octavio to Mr. Knap and I expect it IMMEDIATELY. Octavio has no excuse for his behavior and must make amends.
Expecting your immediate response,
Bernard W. Beauregard
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2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
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Kennel Fair is one of the premier organizations celebrating the majesty of the canine form. Through its numerous publications and ongoing Dog Pageants--hosted throughout the United States-- Kennel Fair sets the standards all dogs and their owners strive to meet.