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Be a Real Genuine War Hero
Ever wanted a Purple Heart? Get genuine military medals and ribbons and shit from Mr. Rosenbaum, who has fucking lost his mind. I took most of them but he probably still has a few left. He was in the Korean War I think, and I guess saved a lot of lives or killed a lot of Germans. Whatever. He lives at 447 Abrams St. It's the house with the American flag hanging near the porch.

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Room & Board
I moved in with Old Man Peterson last month and I'm getting free room and board. I didn't even ask I just started moving my stuff into the spare bedroom and there's not a damn thing he can do about it being the coward he is. He hems and haws a lot and acts all indignant, saying I'm a bad man and I'm going to hell, but it's not like the room was getting used.

There's another spare bedroom and I'm prepared to rent it out on Peterson's behalf for $100 a week. Pretty good bargain! Serious inquiries only.

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TROPHIES GALORE -- ALL FREE!!
Haha found a good one! Mr. Benny has a huge collection of trophies in his house. He's been pretty out of it since his wife died and hardly remembers anything. I knocked on the door and told him I was the co-ed shower inspector and he totally let me inside. I looked around a while and saw his huge trophy cache. I plucked a few choice ones I wanted and left. He didn't even notice. He just sat there on his dirty old couch with his head in his hand like some old busted buffoon.

I snagged the following trophies:

-World's Greatest Grandpa (1993)

-League Championship 1973 (Awarded to "the Alley Cats")

-Beat the Best Winner, 1992 (Awarded to "Ralph Benny, Age 9." WTF is he doing with his grandkid's trophy??? Haha, earn your own, old man!)

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HURRY! Going quick!
Mr. and Mrs. Archer are having a yard sale all this weekend. If it's anything like the one they had last week, you should be able to snag some good bargains. I was able to haggle most of the prices down to practically nothing. It's best to target Mrs. Archer when you haggle, because Mr. Archer is a cheapskate. I also found they don't match prices from competing yard sales, which sucks. But still, last time I managed to buy a roll top desk, a filing cabinet, a complete set of dishware, and a bunch of heirlooms for like $5. I even managed to talk them into delivering it all. The old man didn't like that one bit, but a deal's a deal.

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