Howdy there! Heard some of ya'll been worried about rustlers and bandits in these parts and been thinking about wearing some iron. Good idea. Ya'll can never be too safe. First, let's talk about the smoke wagon you're pushing.
Six gun ain't bad, but these days on the wide open range you'll probably want a semi-automatic pistol with an extended 20-round magazine. Don't draw as easy, but when you're facin' a whole posse you'll thank me. Heck, if you carry a long arm you may just need 30 to 50 rounds of ammunition.
Fifty rounds ain't bad, but trouble comes in all sizes these days. Gotta be prepared. That's the cowboy way. You seen that victualer when you rode through town? Well you go on back there and ask for Maggie. She'll sort you right out with a 100-round dual feed drum for your long arm. Got 'em in 5.56 and 7.62 so you pick what you fancy. Be sure to get some real manstopper rounds. Ask Maggie for the good stuff. I go with Hydra-Shok for maximum tissue damage.
I know you're eager to get to the shootin' rules and how to do your gunfightin', but hold on there, podner!
Afore you get that far, let's talk about your long arm a little more. Y'all are gonna want as many tactical attachments as possible to deal with an ambuscade. Gonna need some decent shootin' glass. Y'all ever hear of the EOTech XM-3 aim point holographic sight? It provides enhanced accuracy for engaging multiple threats. So whether you're shootin' bottles on a fence or train robbers on horses, y'all got exactly what ya need.
You're also gonna want a tactical light and a vertical foregrip especially if ya'll got yourself a rifle in the bullpup configuration. TacTech makes a good carbon nanofiber foregrip and what else you spendin' them gold nuggets on that's more important than defendin' you and yours?
Alright, you got your iron sorted, you're ready to go boot-to-boot with some outlaws. Time to understand the laws of gunfightin'.
The first rule is that any time you feel threatened, you go ahead and draw and fire. Hear a rattlesnake shake them beans? Engage the target. Snap of a twig behind you? Turn and fire. See somebody runnin' from a stagecoach? Double tap to be sure. Injuns crossin' over a river? Shoot 'em afore they get on the bank. Ain't never no need to wait for somebody to draw down on you first.
On the other hand, out here in the Wild West we act honorably. That means no shootin' any ladyfolk unless they have made some sort of aggressive statement or are within the boundaries of your property. That's the way of the Wild West.
You want to wait around and have a law man ask that lady why she was climbin' out your window in the moonlight? She could have a derringer in her bust. Don't take no chance. Don't let her surrender or run off. If she claims she's with child, well, you go on and shoot first and let the sheriff sort that one out.
If a woman hits you or is with a man who hit you, even open hand, then you are well within your rights to put her in the ground. That's the law of the west. If things get out of hand at the saloon and you see some vaqueros hangin' around outside in a group, whistlin' sorta off key, well, can't be too safe. You go ahead and shoot them Mexicans. Black man got a harmonica? Look out, podner. Take a marshal a week to come from Laredo by train. You go ahead and figure it out with that SCAR-H right now.
Now one thing ya gotta know is that some establishment in this town don't respect the lawfulness of the West. They put up signs and whatnot tellin' y'all bunkum like "don't bring no six shooters in here to my feed store" or "please don't open carry rifles in my baby bonnet shop."
They may like the sound of them words. That's too bad for them, because if y'all look in the Constitution ain't said nothin' about no baby clothes shop intrudin' on y'all's right to carry arms. If the deputy come when you're lookin' at baby booties you need to get your friend to record a video of the deputy tryin' to take your guns away while you assert your rights. That way the NRA lawyer come down from Buck's Holler and stand up afore a judge and make them deputy go marble.
God help them lawmen from up north if they come down here tryin' to take away our iron. You can pry them out of my dry bones in a gulch, city slickers.
You can rustle up plenty more gunfightin' advice on Zack's Facebook page.
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."
Jeff Foxworthy has awakened to the new flesh to tell some redneck jokes.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.