HORRIBLE JERK GOD won't let me shave my beard. It's gotten so long I'm tripping over the damn thing. I can't even groom or make it more manageable. Will trade my beard-nazi god for one who appreciates a clean shave or maybe even provides free laser-hair removal. 555-2911
I just caught wind of a new trend spreading around the office that I do not approve of. "Hand Slapping" as it is called is not to be done on my property. If you want to slap your hand against another person's hand, do so somewhere far away and outside of work. I don't tolerate sex perverts and inappropriate touching in my office.
Real doozy last night. Dreamt my horse could talk, but all he kept a-doin' was callin' me rotten names. Wanted to teach him what for, but couldn't because he was flyin' above my head the whole time. Gonna be a tough day of ridin' after some of the things he said.
FREE SUBMARINE! Kid-sized submarine opens doorway to amazing adventures. Don't tell your kids it's just a barrel with a window on it-- they won't know the difference! Works great in lakes, rivers, oceans, etc. Has hook for tying rope to so you don't lose it. 555-8288
I spoke at length with James Hooch of Arkansas about the importance of this election. James is an unemployed moonshiner who has never voted. Although James was skeptical of my intentions at first, we found a lot of common ground discussing season three of the X-Files, and also reining in Wall Street.
Listen, I've had about enough of you accusing me of being The Thing. If you recall, I'm the guy who first pointed out we have a Thing situation going on here. That was last week, remember? I said "Guys, the Thing is among us, and we'd better act smart lest we both become victims of The Thing."
Today I discovered something disturbing waiting for me just outside the front door to our offices: a bowl of blood. I asked Manuel Rodriguez if he knew what this was about, and he informed me it was part of a gang ritual known as "THE CHOLO."
ANYBODY LOSE AN OLD GUY? I recently got lost inside the Strip and found myself in this weird computer room with a 300-year old mummy dude mumbling inside a giant plastic dildo. Might be somebody's grandpa? The guy won’t shut up about snow globes and it’s driving me crazy. Free with proof of ownership.
FREE: MILLIONS OF AMMO CASINGS! A miracle of nature! My backpack has somehow accumulated what must be at least ten million completely weightless ammo casings. You can have them all as soon as you come get them from my pack, which I hid inside a scorpion den for obvious reasons. Good luck!
TED Conferences are an ongoing series of talks where the leading thinkers in a variety of fields and disciplines talk about what it's like to be the leading thinker in their field or discipline. I'm not a betting man, but I figure it's only a matter of time before TED asks me to give a talk. They won't catch me unprepared.
In case you failed to comprehend the meaning of my last memo, I AM DYING OF A HEART ATTACK. I do not have time for your small, trivial problems or your questions about my health. If I wanted to chat with you, I would invite you over for dinner. I do not like any of you enough to ever do that.
This humble collection of words serves to catalog ideas great & small, however simple & unrefined they may be. Though hastily scribed & scarcely organized, these ideas may one day form the basis for inspiring statues, figurines, light-up paintings, cuckoo clocks, lamps, clothing & decorative weapons available through the Bradford Exchange.
With elections just around the corner, we need to work harder than ever to keep Republicans from gaining ground. It's not enough to energize the Democratic base -- we need to reach out across the aisle to Americans of all walks of life and political beliefs.
It is my exclusive right as owner of this company to howl like a wild beast whenever I so choose or whenever the spirit moves me to do so. I will not tolerate any other employee, be he man, woman or beast acting in this fashion. It is my gift... It is my curse.
Sit a spell with Rustlr.com, the #1 spot to stop while travelin' along that ol' dusty information supertrail. This time: in the wake of a terrible smallpox outbreak, Doc Beauzerau struggles to reclaim his place as trusted town doctor. Meanwhile, the race for sheriff heats up as Mad Bill Boothe hits the campaign trail hard.
Bear Cave Soup Company's illustrious president battles rampant rumors in the wake of the Soup & Broth Expo, the most prestigious and important event in the entire soup and broth industry.
Mr. Cance over at 433 E. Walmack has a lot of yard work he needs doing. He'll pay you a solid $5 for a hard day's work, and he'll tell you dirty and racist jokes the whole time. I'm not racist or anything, but he has some good points and people need to wise up before it's too late.
While we take you for your word that Ómögulegt is indeed a dog, we were unable to identify any doglike characteristics. From his challenging, kaleidoscopic anatomy to his bewildering habit of repeating everything we said in the voice of God, he was nothing like any dog we have ever encountered.
Brick Linehouse and his R&D team are working on the future of our company. If even one of you rat-faced imbeciles so much as pesters Brick or his team, there will be mass firings. HOWEVER, if you see Brick or his team not working on saving this company, you have my permission to spit and hiss at them.
When it comes to the greatest endeavors a man can undertake, the two most revered pursuits are without question the trapping and skinning animals and the taming the female heart. These two great passions may seem at odds, but they could not be more similar.
As you know, the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant prides itself on hosting the absolute cream of the canine crop. We endeavor to celebrate the canine form at its best, and reward only those rare specimens that exemplify what it means to be "top dog."
Experian's our product, eh? They do bill lowering and back to school stuff, eh? What's our normal angle with that, young hip college kids? Achieving your dream and bettering yourself? Crawling out from under debt? Has it worked? Hmmm. Well, I think we can do better.
I've never been any good at saying goodbye, but now that I'm heading off to start a new life, there's really no way around it. I just wanted to say thanks to each of you for all the fond memories and great times. I have a hard time imagining I'll ever find a group of guys as awesome to jerk it with as you all.
Cycnus Station is back in business following some brief legal battles over inhumane treatment of clones. The new human and android crew is ready to focus 100% on the important work of colonizing Mars!
I apologize if the tone of this letter seems harsh, but my family and I are presently trapped inside a trans-dimensional crystal with the neighbor from hell. That neighbor is none other than Langall Stormbeard, who resides at 2234 Roaring Elk Drive.
Normally I would take a moment to assure you that you and your dog are winners just for participating, but in this case I cannot. I am confident that you did not prepare for this tournament in the slightest. For one thing, you did not even know the name of your own dog.
I am sad to inform you that your canine, Apache, is disqualified from competing in the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant on the grounds that it is deceased. While the quality of the taxidermy you purchased for your beloved friend is truly remarkable, our pageant is intended to celebrate truly remarkable living dogs.
Sit a spell with Rustlr.com, the #1 spot to stop when travelin' along that ol' dusty information supertrail. This week Sheriff Pawley puts a hefty bounty on the head of the no-good lawbreaker Johnny Hunt, and that's got every cowboy from Pecos to Bismarck looking to posse up and collect.
In the wake of yesterday's historic healthcare bill being signed into law, the political landscape EXPLODED. Now nobody knows who will prevail in the upcoming election season. That means it's time to start campaigning, and HARD. Because of this, I have no choice but to abandon my duties and return to the campaign trail. For unlike my opponent...
AFTER 11 PROFOUND YEARS of loving friendship, my dog Gustavo is leaving me. He has insisted I write this ad, as he would like to live with somebody "who listens and truly hears." I don't know why he is doing this to me. Please forgive my crying when you call. 555-2589
Bursting with the latest celebrity sightings from the Oscar after-parties! What's got Goldblum so captivated? How is Bridges celebrating his big win? Is Robert Pattinson as handsome as we assume? All these questions and more get asked!
It is with a heavy heart that I deliver this most unpleasant news. Garmonbozia, your beloved Bluetick Coonhound, will not be advancing to the next round in our Kennel Fair Dog Pageant. While the dog excelled in virtually every category, we were uncomfortable with one extremely unsettling physical characteristic: his complete set of human teeth.
Certain side effects may occur, including flash fingernail growth, inverted hearing, slick jowls, runny mouth, night tinkles, intermittent gulping, frownies, involuntary hooting, double diarrhea, sleep wheezing, greasy palms, diminished magnificence, oral burpies, and RAGE!
FOR SALE: TWO GREYHOUNDS. Dogs are not capable of running anymore after I tried experiment of tethering them to a racehorse in hopes of inventing real life podracing. Horse was too fast and dogs couldn't keep up, but couldn't stop either. Call for price. 555-8230
As you are well aware, your dog Hairbank is a hideous, ungodly thing. He is a beast of unbridled malevolence and the monster that stares back from the abyss. Everything about his appearance and behavior stands in perverted defiance to the noble standards Kennel Fair seeks to uphold and champion.
Cycnus Station is dangerously overstaffed, creating a volatile "too many cooks in the kitchen" environment. In an effort to ensure safety, we have decided to reduce Cycnus Station personnel to one. By way of impartial lottery, we have chosen Resident #012 to oversee every facet of Cycnus Station maintenance and operation for the next three years.
In general, we tend to treat animals with respect. They provide us with meat, synthesize milk for us, and even ferry us to and fro. Unfortunately, there are some corporations out there that love to exploit our animal friends. One of these corporations is the giant, life-devouring entity known as the Bradford Exchange.