Step 1: find a chicken, make sure it is a chicken who has hopes and dreams for their next generation, stalk and observe that chicken for several weeks, learn its habits and behaviors
Step 2: observe the chicken's eggs. how do they look, feel, smell? don't steal one yet, you'll need an adequate decoy/replacement to leave behind when you finally do get that egg
Step 3: Determine what type of material you will use for your decoy. will you whittle one from wood? what type of wood? will you model one from clay? paper mache? origami? do your research and be aware of climate conditions that may adversely affect your decoy.
For best egg results, incubate and hatch the egg. With careful culinary care, the egg will get feathers and grow big and become much tastier when fried.
Its important to weigh the pros and cons of any decision made against not only the gravity of the events but the impact of those events on the community in general. For the harshest lawbreakers, frying is an option available. But remember that the cost to the people for a fried egg versus an incarcerated egg is vastly higher, due to the lengthy and expensive appeals process.
step 0.5: is there even an egg? more than one? less than zero? how do you know? what makes you so sure? what makes you so goddamn sure mr. man?
that's what I thought. the first step in frying an egg is admitting you have a problem.
ok step one is being reevaluated
If you crack an egg in half enough times so as to have one single atom left to crack open this should produce enough heat to fry the egg
step 288: try frying the egg in everything in the world except butter out of sheer obstinacy
day .006 - [thinking to myself] should I flip it? I should probably flip it. Maybe not though. Yeah definitely not ready to flip. *flips egg*
steps to poaching an egg:
1) crack open egg
2) put egg in water
3) swirl water
4) egg comes apart
5) deny anything is wrong
6) become angry at the whole process, why the fuck can't you just makes eggs in a dry pan like a normal person
7) attempt to reason with the situation: maybe you meant to make egg water soup
8) lose all hope
1) Buy pack of eggs
2) Keep luke warm, around 100f for 20 days.
4) Hear the chicken scream and scratch as they try to crawl out of the boiling shell!
Step .0001: so you're looking to terraform a barren planet into something that will one day be able to sustain egg-laying chickens. you will need: water (lots), star (friendly and the right distance away), panspermia (don't cheap out on this item, it'll only cost you in the end), time (more than you expect), evolution (I'd get the deluxe package if I were you). start by bombarding the planet's surface with asteroids, this isn't strictly necessary but you might as well have fun with it. combine other ingredients according to instructions on panspermia packaging. congratulations, you're on the road to chickens! or, you know, maybe chickenlike hyperlizards, or sentient egg-laying oozes or something.
op you forgot the butter! that makes em taste the very best
all in due time, scientists are still working on the first step
Day 1: Gonna fry the egg
Day 4: Still frying the egg
Day 7: Still frying the egg
Day 32: Turned on the stovetop. Finally starting to see progress.
Day 40: Still frying the egg
Day 67: Still frying the egg. It's a mostly inert carbon lump at this point but I'm taking no chances.
Day 84: Starting to feel a sense of foreboding. Still frying the egg.
Day 145: A hush has fallen over the land. Still frying the egg.
Day 387: After subjecting the egg to endless torture, I am beginning to feel a malevolent presence within it. Still frying the egg.
Day 667: It is truly ironic, that this egg, once meant to be a vessel of life, has become so once again, only instead of a chicken it is now the Blind God, Keeper of Madness, who shall reap ten billion souls over the course of his dark reign, at least I think so, that part of the cookbook is a little smudged. Still frying the egg.
Day 1059: Flipped the egg today.
Day 1540: The landscape around me is barren, I don't know for how far but certainly fully to the horizon. Few people pass through anymore, and those that do look sickly and haggard. I think the egg has reached what we call "over medium." Going to give it a little longer.
D̢̗̝̙̯͎̺̐a̹̗ͪͪ̐ͮ͊͛͘ỵ̳͊ͨ̋ͬ̑̾̚ ̼̠̮ͩ͊̓͌̑̓̓1̫̫̮͕0̟,̺̪͘8͍͎̣̤̺̇4͎ͫ̈̓̉͑ͨ̕2͇͍̺͙̞͚͔ͮ̇:̦̦͚̳ ̲̣͇̬̖̜̋̆͒S͕̤̫̪̻ͬ̆̉ͥ̈̾͘t́ͦ͏͙̗̳̮͓i̖̥͉̘͑̚͜ḷ͈̤̳̘̋̂̽ͥ̾l̪̳̯̂͗̃ͤ̾ ͓̥̭ͭ͆̍̑f͓̞͂ͬṙ̭͇̬̮̱̉ͬ̆ͨ̀ͅy̤̼͉͞iͬ̆̓n̮̍͋ͬ͢ͅg̻̪̠̥̻̭͈͋̋̽͗͛́ ̜͉̭̍̂t̠̬ͨ͊̐͟h͉ě̱̈ͧ͌ͭ̋̀ ̹̰̭ͪ̎ͮ͢e̒̈̒̆ͪģ͓̦̦̰͓̅ͩ̀ͦ̚ḡ̼͍͈̲̦ͧ̈́̈́͆ͧ̃.͝
Day 10,483: Just read that the egg will taste better if fried with butter. Decided to start over.
"Reeves, bring me the eggs. Have they been painted with the proper sigils?"
"Yes, my lord, it took six attempts, but I believe they are ready for the Ritual."
Lord Stonewell meticulously examined the egg, nodding with approval.
"Let us begin, Reeves. We have little time left."
Stonewell had spent a year studying the Ritual and gathering the necessary materials. A non-stick skillet, canola oil, a spotted spatula, paper towels, salt, pepper, unknown spices and of course, the Perfect Eggs, which among other rituals had to lay alone in a cellar for an entire, cloudless day. And since the ritual could only be completed within two hours of a blue moon's dawn, nothing could be left to chance. Salt lined the glass cooker, incense filled the kitchen. All doubt was purged from Stonewell's mind.
After an agonizing effort, Stonewell glanced upon his creation and smiled, warping into a near maniacal grin.
"Yes, haha, yes. Eggs. Sunny-Side up."
In these contentious political times it is more important than ever to work together in a bipartisan way with the people who said I should be thrown out of a helicopter for being an Antifa terrorist.
This Halloween, log off and visit your friends at the local Halloween Superstore.
Better than expected, and absolute garbage
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