"Shit! This is bollocks in my mouth! Fuck me you donkey!" Ha ha, you guessed it - that was my impression of internationally beloved celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay. I know you're probably thinking that you can't get more authentically Ramsay than that, but read on - and you'll see some of the choicest actual real Gordon Ramsay quotes [source: BYOB] that are fit to publish on a semi-popular comedy website!
"This steak is so rare I don't think you even cooked it"
"Ya I thought John Dory was a man too"
"Yo RZA, yo razor, hit me with the major disappointment over the consistency of this flan"
"I refuse to admit that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word. That said, this risotto is fucking shit, fuck off man
Our new Constitution is now established, and has an appearance that promises permanency; but in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and that you are going to royally h*ck up this beef wellington what don't you understand about letting it rest
I have a dream . . . that one day you will make an omelette that is at least barely fit to be eaten off the floor like a animal, you piece of shit
You're a fucking nonce. Can you even believe I've eaten this paella that you made me? I can't. I dislike you personally, even though the paella was good and felt delicious in my little tummy. It's just you I don't like.
Gordon sees oysters for the first time. "What--what are these?! They're RAW!"
The server timidly responds, "Mr. Ramsey that's how they're pre--"
"RAAAW! RAAAAAAW! RAAAAAAA--" Gordon's scream is the last sound everyone on Earth hears, and then, quiet
ramsey takes a bite of the dish: "This mackerel is RAW!!! *music* Narrator: "The chefs disappoint yet again. Will they serve dinner on time?... Stay tuned." *commercial break* Narrator: "Chef Ramsey critiques the contestant's food", "This mackerel is RAW!! IT'S LIKE IT JUST HOPPED INTO MY FISHING BOAT!! IF YOU ELECTROCUTED THIS MACKEREL IT WOULD HOP AROUND! Which, to be perfectly honest with you, IS GOOD. This is the sashimi challenge. If you cooked your fish, that would have been a major misstep. Good job. Excellent work."
gordon ramsey's friend: heh nice, I've heard about this, the steam in the dishwasher is warm enough to cook the salmon you put inside
gordon: *slaps back of friend's head* what are you talking about I'm just washing the salmon you nonce
"Ok our special guests jugde is well known american actor Jason Biggs!"
*contestants clap and cheer as a demure Jason Biggs shuffles out and stands next to Gordon, his eyes looking drearily at the ground*
"Now everyone bring your apple pies up one by one"
*Jason Biggs wearily lowers his pants and sighs*
Gordon: "this food..."
Audience and other panelists lean into the silence, eyes wide, listening raptly to what this god of cuisine will say next
Gordon: "...is bad."
Audience bursts into wild applause, tears in their eyes, feeling full to the brim with the pure wisdom they have just received. Even the offending chef is clapping, an appreciative smile on his face like a man who has just been given a new lease on life
*gordon ramsay munching on some indeterminate food*
"mmm, this is flawless. the consistence, the flavour. cooked to perfection."
*camera zooms out, showing it to be dog food*
This pizza base has tiny ants baked into it...I love it! Top marks! *furiously crunching tiny ants* Let's end the episode early because I like it so much!
Director: Cut, alright everyone take 5
Gordon Ramsey: *rushes off set, hiding behind a curtain. Pulls a handful of Kraft Dinner with cut up hot dogs and ketchup out of the inside pocket of his blazer. He crams the handful of noodles into his mouth, but doesn't chew, instead letting it sit on his tongue. Tears stream from his eye, a grin pulling wide at his face.*
Director: Alright alright back to work everyone
Gordon: *spits KD on the floor, looks at it longingly and returns to the scene*
*an ancient looking Gordon Ramsey bows to thunderous applause at his retirement party, throngs of fans and admirers screaming and crying as he thanks them.
Camera begins to draw back to reveal the real Gordon Ramsey looking into a snow globe, the tiny retirement scene playing out before him in the little glass sphere. A door opens and a McDonalds manager enters the room*
"God damnit Gordon the fryers backed up again and there's a huge line at the drive thru. Change the grease and then help Joey flip those burgers and if I catch you hiding in here one more time you're fucking fired."
Tidying expert and joy sparker Marie Kondo responds to critics who were outraged that she would tell people to reduce the number of corpses in their house.
Iowa Congressman Steve King reflects on how our PC culture is limiting arm speech.
Unlike the Phantom, Ouya, or Glaze3D, this console will be an actual product. Or will it?
Mr Tip Says: Throw yourself in the well
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The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.