HOLY HELL! He let's out with the loudest fucking trumpet you've ever heard. They actually heard him in the Antelope House which was 3/4 miles away. The guys in the Antelope House called and said, "What in the fuck was THAT?" When we told them, they all came driving over.

So now Herman is stampeding around the yard screaming bloody murder and of course, the public is eating this up. They are pointing and laughing (they seem to that a lot, don't they?) and taking pictures. He's running in circles and charging the wall where the public is standing. They were separated by a huge moat and there was no chance of Herman getting them, but it was funny to watch that every time he charged, they all would run away. Fuckin' respect, baby.

We kept a couple old tractor tires in all the yards so the elephants would have something to play with. These things were huge. It took 2, maybe 3 keepers to unload them. Well, again showing the intelligence of these elephants, Herman ran back up to his pool and we thought he was going back in to cool his cock off. Instead he trunks one of these huge fucking tires and starts running with it. We had no idea what he was going to do.

He charges up to the the viewing area and just stands there for a minute, his cock still throbbing. Suddenly, he hauls off and frisbees this fucking tractor tire up over the moat and into the crowd. HA HA HA HA!!! People are scattering like ants!! They're diving onto the ground, running this way and that.

Mind you, he could have killed someone. Thank God there were no kids there, just adults. I think the parents had cleared the kids out long before. Herman was a stud, in more ways than one.

Interesting side note: Herman ended up dying a couple of years later. As per Zoo routine, they took his carcass to the Zoo Hospital and they did an autopsy as they sectioned him up.

A few months later I'm attending this Zoo party at the home of one of the Zoo big shots. We are all standing around sipping our scotches when the host took some of us guys into his bedroom. He pointed to the corner and there, up on this custom built stand was this gigantic glass jar full of some sort of fluid. It was bigger around than those water bottles you see on a water cooler.

We all approach this huge jar and we see something curled up inside. It was Herman's cock!! I almost shit. Turns out that the wife of this Zoo official could never take her eyes of that elephants cock and apparently, it made her just as horny as those whore elephants. So the Zoo gave it to her as a gift. How bizarre is that?

That's it for this weeks Goldmine. A big thanks to SA Forum Goon "Bigpeeler" for the stories! Next week, we deal with candybar addicted monkeys and tuberculosis!

– Ryan "OMGWTFBBQ" Adams

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2023 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful