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Me: I'd like to order a pizza.
Me: Make it an extra large meat lovers.
Me: Ok, now can you bring three pizza boxes.
Me: I need the thrill of the hunt.
please fbi, don't tap my morse code wire, bro. you messed up a complete sentence. not cool.
I added a third thing to my morse code: squiggle. The FBI is working overtime to decrypt my communications.
The FBI is listening to my microwave.
FBI: We think he's using some kind of code. First he says "Mmm, I can't wait to eat this Hot Pocket" and then there's a scream of pain. He does it every night at 9:30 PM.
It's usually just noises of gunfire and fax machines.
All of the government agencies are wiretapping me. As are all of the branches of the military, local police, coast guard, and amazon dot com. Imagine the raging party I came home to when all of their agents accidentally showed up to wiretap me at the same time. They drank all my beer and clogged all of my toilets. I am now completely out of doritos. Oh well I guess I can have the amazon guy order me some more.
FBI LOGS: FutonForensic
02.28.2017.14.38: [Inbound call] Hello? [4 sec. pause] Oh sorry, I think you have the wrong number. No problem. Bye. Sorry.
NO OTHER CALLS ON LOG
Tidying expert and joy sparker Marie Kondo responds to critics who were outraged that she would tell people to reduce the number of corpses in their house.
Iowa Congressman Steve King reflects on how our PC culture is limiting arm speech.
Unlike the Phantom, Ouya, or Glaze3D, this console will be an actual product. Or will it?
Mr Tip Says: Throw yourself in the well
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The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.