Me: Eggs, cheese, hot sauce...uhh..kitty litter.
Russian agent: Vy are you sayink dis to me Comrade, is not in codebook.
*files FOIA request, goes grocery shopping 2 1/2 years later*
Bank: Hello. Before we can proceed with this call, you'll need to tell me your four digit security PIN.
Me: Shit, it's been a while. Um.
Me: Right. Three.
me: hi FBI guy
FBI: uhh you're not really supposed to talk directly to us, lmao. we just listen
me: ooooh ok lol. well i'm just gonna dial the Big Latina Asses hotline. are you okay with Big Latina Asses?
FBI: i freakin' love Big Latina Asses, my man. carry on lol
me: *redial* hello, is this Big Latina Asses hotline 👌
They Might Be
FBI: We need more data on this fella, but he doesn't seem to be much for talking on his telephone. Put him on "Project Warranty."
Me, for the next five years: Oh sorry I don't need an extended warranty for my vehicle... Yes... Please take me off your list.
*slams the table* this whole operation was worthless, I've got 45 hours from his samsung and all he does is respond to Dora's questions
me: hey, Chelsea? I just wanted to say... um...
???: TELL HER YOU ENJOY HER COMPANY. TREAT HER AS A PERSON, NOT AN OBJECT.
Chelsea: Yeah! Do those things!
me: uh, uh, slut! you're an ugly negged slut and you'll take me to prom! blehblehblehbleh (<-- bad cunnilingus noises)
???: YOU FOOL. YOU THREW AWAY WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN A BEAUTIFUL RELATIONSHIP. CHELSEA. GO TO PROM WITH ME. WE WILL RULE THE CEREMONY NOT AS PROM KING AND QUEEN, BUT AS PROM GODS
Hacking tip: To reverse the wiretap, simply turn your phone upside down with the mic on your ear and the speaker by your mouth. You have now wiretapped the FBI.
"I thought the internet was all fun and games. Grow virtual plants on Facebook. Send email to grandma. IM friends with emojis," said the Stupid Ass Teenager, currently dying in an Idiot County hospital. "Never in my wildest dreams could I ever possibly humanly imagine that doing stupid ass internet shit in real life might get me mortally injured."
(Lips smacking, mouth full of peanut butter, glistening streams of peanut butter oil running down chin) "I'm full as hell, and I'm not going to take another bite!"
Guess what's back? Frosty tundras! And me.
Bonk: The Only Good Bonk Is A Head Bonk
We review every game from the last 2 months, plus all 21 SNES Classic titles
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.