Zack: You are in the Bathing Ape tavern with your companions, who have just been let out of wizard school for the summer and are still wearing their school shirts that say "TRAINEE WIZARD" on the back. The fire in the hearth crackles and a low murmur of conversation surrounds you.
Steve: Bar wench! I will have a drink and one for my companions.
Zack: The boisterous wench declares, "Oi we don't serve gypsies and your friends are too young."
Steve: Fine. I pour cups of wine from my wine skin.
Zack: Your magician friends immediately start talking about how drunk they are on your bitter gypsy wine. They are laughing about something that happened in owl class.
Steve: I ask them about owl class.
Zack: They say it would take too long to explain it.
Steve: Alright these guys are no fun. Do we have an adventure to begin?
Zack: Not yet, but the trail of legendary adventures often starts in a simple tavern.
Steve: I will snoop on the surrounding table.Zack: A half-orc is telling a necromancer about an incredible bowl he got for a surprisingly good deal at the bowl market.
Steve: Is this an evil bowl?Zack: Possibly.
Steve: I am going to listen more carefully. This seems like the start of something big.Zack: "I like to huff on boners," says the half-orc. "Balls are my favorite," counters the necromancer in the exact same voice. "Give me balls yum, yum, yum."
Steve: What manner of deviltry is this?Zack: Your traveling companions begin laughing because they have tricked you with their ventriloquism magic.
Steve: I will pay them back in gypsy poison, which I have placed into their wine, and I am immune to the poison and only I have the antidote and so they're going to have to be super nice to me or they will die.
Zack: None of what you just said happened. However, in your outrage at being made the butt of their joke, you discover a discarded newspaper.
Steve: I will read the adventure section.
Zack: Mostly ads for henchmen and casual encounters. There is something about these two guys with fantasy names that I will refer to as Joe Rogan and Mr. Unknown, who have created a fortress called Questlandia. They have died in a battle, leaving their fortress and all its treasures empty for years.
Steve: Are there any henchmen ads I can use to hire new henchmen?
Zack: They all say NO GYPSIES. Including the casual encounters.
Steve: Questlandia awaits then!
I saw good men turned to mush in the wars against the soggies. Men much better than you, Mr. President. If you are going to take John Brennan's security clearance, take my security clearance too.
Forget beer checkers, beer chess and beer dejarik. Only these games are guaranteed to put you on dialysis by age 30.
Bonk: The Only Good Bonk Is A Head Bonk
We review every game from the last 2 months, plus all 21 SNES Classic titles
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.