Zack: Aaaand we pan down to the dusty orb of Tatooine hanging in space. A small spacecraft zooms into frame and roars down towards the planet's surface. Chomping mouth wipe, complete with *chomp* sound effects, to the interior of Jabba's Palace. A Gamorrean guard marches an obese woman in a black cloak and a hulking Trandoshan wearing a fur coat into the throne room. The saxophone and xylophone music dies down. Twi'lek slave girls cease their sexy dancing.
Zack: Jabba the Hutt, in all his glistening malevolence, waves his little arms and says something in his language. His translator declares, "It is good to see you pay your debts to the Hutts, Ruth Sargasso. But a Trandoshan slave is not what I requested."
Steve: Blurg is so stupid he thinks they are talking about a different Trandoshan.
Zack: Ruth lowers her hood to reveal her face. If this were a movie she would be played by Melissa McCarthy in a bald cap. "The Trandoshan belongs to me, Jabba. Why did you call in my debt?"
Steve: Blurg is taking out an electronic cigarette and vaping.
Zack: Jabba puppets it up some more, eating a handful of little baby frog men, and then the translator explains, "Wise Jabba is willing to forgive your debt if you simply take his daughter to Cloud City. She has tickets to the Yadda concert."
Steve: Who is Yadda?
Zack: The twi'lek translates your question and Jabba starts laughing. Ruth explains that Yadda is a Yoda creature and the most popular rock star in the galaxy.
Steve: I don't like being laughed at. I am going to draw my blaster and lay waste to the entire room.
"I thought the internet was all fun and games. Grow virtual plants on Facebook. Send email to grandma. IM friends with emojis," said the Stupid Ass Teenager, currently dying in an Idiot County hospital. "Never in my wildest dreams could I ever possibly humanly imagine that doing stupid ass internet shit in real life might get me mortally injured."
(Lips smacking, mouth full of peanut butter, glistening streams of peanut butter oil running down chin) "I'm full as hell, and I'm not going to take another bite!"
Bonk: The Only Good Bonk Is A Head Bonk
We review every game from the last 2 months, plus all 21 SNES Classic titles
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.