Zack: Gaze, in your mind's eye, through the red haze of battle, to the kitchen table and some dice and friends from junior high. You're swilling Crystal Pepsi and eating Doritos. Your mom keeps coming into the kitchen and shooting dirty looks. Your friends don't really like the game. They keep getting distracted talking about Mortal Kombat. You try to keep their attention by introducing Ken and Ryu. Someone decides to shoot them for no reason. How did they get that rocket launcher?
Steve: Oh, man, it's really taking me back. Except it was Code Red and Flaming Hot Cheetos, Keith's basement, and blasting some sweet Manowar on the stereo.
Zack: Destiny beckons...
Steve: Finally we can put down these lame videogames and duke it out in the greatest videogame of all: our imagination.
Zack: Just don't imagine any blood. Even in the Street Fighter book Nintendo has apparently replaced it with the Mortal Kombat oil.
"I thought the internet was all fun and games. Grow virtual plants on Facebook. Send email to grandma. IM friends with emojis," said the Stupid Ass Teenager, currently dying in an Idiot County hospital. "Never in my wildest dreams could I ever possibly humanly imagine that doing stupid ass internet shit in real life might get me mortally injured."
(Lips smacking, mouth full of peanut butter, glistening streams of peanut butter oil running down chin) "I'm full as hell, and I'm not going to take another bite!"
Guess what's back? Frosty tundras! And me.
Bonk: The Only Good Bonk Is A Head Bonk
We review every game from the last 2 months, plus all 21 SNES Classic titles
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.