Zack: I keep hearing "thwipt!" in my head; only I didn't think it was possible for a sound effect to lisp.
Dr. Thorpe: She's like some kind of mythical creature that hypnotizes people and then beckons them to her so she can kill them and integrate them into her hairdo.
Zack: She's definitely the kind of creature that you have nightmares about when you go to sleep in the creepy guest bedroom with all the dolls at your grandmother's house.
Dr. Thorpe: "Each string of beads represents the soul of a doomed man, and also another year of working in a head shop and hoping to god my 45-year-old boyfriend doesn't get me pregnant, because I can't afford health insurance and Planned Parenthood said I hit my limit on freebies."
Zack: She may be on her way to her fifth abortion, but at least she's protected herself from carpal tunnel.
Dr. Thorpe: She looks like she was applying eyeliner on a bus and it hit a bump.
Zack: She looks like her mom was applying eyeliner on a bus and accidentally drank constantly throughout her pregnancy.
Dr. Thorpe: You know, as funny as that is, I think I have to disagree. It would be easy to blame this on genetics, but her eyes really aren't wide-set enough for that, so I think we have to consider an even more disturbing possibility: she chose this for herself.
Zack: How can you tell how widely set her eyes are? She's so ashamed of her looks she's practically wearing a druid's hood woven out of her own mouse-brown hair.
Dr. Thorpe: She is pretty overwhelmingly mousey, even under all that. I think this is all just some kind of defense mechanism: "now they can NEVER call me 'plain!'"
Zack: Yeah, it's the shitty cheapo version of the reaction that makes women get breast implants, it just produces results you can't put your penis between. I mean you could, I guess, but it would just get tangled up in all those ribbons. They probably have cutting edges.
Dr. Thorpe: Maybe she works for Webster's Dictionary, and her boss called her and said "we need a new illustration for 'festoon' and we need it NOW!"
Zack: Unfortunately, she never made it in because the illustration would have been too similar to the one for "parental shame."
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About This Column
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.