If you fell through the floor of an outhouse or were caught in the wave of fresh menudo dumped out of a burst slaughterhouse pipe then you should marinate your entire body in hand sanitizer. You're going to want to find the sort of drum that is used as a rain catch, line it with a plastic bag, and dump in 30-50 gallons of hand sanitizer. Be sure to bring goggles, unless your eyes are also dirty, in which case you will need to tough it out.

For your more usual, day-to-day, use - picking up road kill, fondling scabs, or shaking hands with people - you will want to quickly spray two or three ounces of sanitizer onto the afflicted germ zone. If you have an open wound, be sure to really massage that sanitizer into the wound because germs will want to hide in your meat parts. Will it hurt? I don't know anymore. Maybe. But you will be pure.

At least once a week you are going to want to engage in what hand sanitizing experts call a "vape quest." This is when you shut yourself into an enclosed area and cover your chest and neck in hand sanitizer, then inhale the fumes from the evaporating alcohol. The ethyl alcohol in the sanitizer will produce vivid hallucinations and is actually less likely to cause brain damage than most adhesives.

As the sanitizer fumes whisk you away on your vape quest, you will begin to see the world as it truly is: seething with a living sheath of filth. Humans, animals, places all covered in germs. Only you can redeem them. Only you and the cleansing power of the hand sanitizer. They do not need to understand. They only need to be 99.99% cleaned.

My friends, the power is in your hands. Go forth and sanitize!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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