STEP 2: Buy things to shove inside your computer box so it will compute shit.
Many people mistakenly believe their computer is simply a noisy rectangular box thing they plug wires into. This type of brazen ignorance will cause these people to burn in hell. A computer is much more than a rectangular box; it is also the parts inside the box, and sometimes even parts outside the box! Now that's what I call thinking outside the box... the computer box! That's a little PC humor for you, and also technically geometry humor.
The basic computer consists of the following crucial parts which you should purchase and begin filling out the RMA forms in advance:
Computer part.The Computer Case (box you cram the parts into)
The case is a very important element of PC production. If you don't buy a case, all your parts will fall onto the floor and then your cat will sleep on them and before you know it, there will be a fresh new litter of kittens mewling from your RAM, which can corrupt the registry. Cases come in a variety of sizes, from "small" to "unsmall," all professionally designed and engineered to prevent cat access. If you are building a gaming computer, you should choose a $600 case with neon lights and tit skulls everywhere, so you can impress the type of person who enjoys shoving retarded amounts of money into the toilet.
The Motherboard (flat thing which everything attaches to)
This crucial piece of hardware is what brings everything in your computer together, much like the Dude's rug except you will never find Jeff Bridges laying down on a motherboard. You can choose from a variety of motherboards from a variety of factories in Taiwan, ranging from Asus (high end) to Super Quality Pledge Gold (produces the smell of burning hair when powered on).
Computer part.The CPU (square chip with a bunch of prickly metal things on the bottom)
CPUs are the brains of a computer, which must remain installed at all times or else your PC will turn into a zombie terminal, which Russians will use to hack the Pentagon and digitally consume cyberbrains. Certain CPUs work with certain motherboards, or else they simply won't fit no matter how many times you take it to Geek Squad and say "I can't play no movies on my fuckin' computer machine, I think I got a virus all up in my shit." You can easily determine if your CPU works with your motherboard by inserting it into the CPU socket and sitting on it. If the chip fits, congratulations, you did it! If the chip makes a crunching sound and your ass begins to hurt, then you need to go back to the drawing board, and also possibly the medical board.
RAM (long sticks which resemble goofy looking midget rulers)
Your computer uses its RAM as short term memory, helping it recall URLs of your last 10 searches for "erotic + alton brown." A general rule of computer thumb is "more RAM = more better." Well, except that 32-bit operating systems can only use about three gigs of RAM. Oh, and the speed of the RAM changes things too. Oh, and the configuration and swap file are important as well. And the timing and voltage, those make a difference as well. So I guess a more accurate adage would be "more RAM = more better except when it doesn't."
Hard Drives (shiny black and silver boxes)
To continue our human body analogy, a hard drive is the stomach of your computer. When you go to save data (eat food), it is placed into the hard drive (your stomach). Then, when you want to access this data, it is pulled from the hard drive (thrown up). So each time you open your My Documents folder, your PC is vomiting.
Computer parAAAAAH!!!The Power Supply (heavy box with squid-like cables going wacky all over the joint)
All components of your PC require power, unless you plan on "going green" and building a computer which you never ever turn on because you love the environment. Power supplies suck energy from walls and distribute it to all the items inside your PC, thereby allowing it to crash more effectively.
All That Other Crap
Sound cards: Some motherboards have integrated sound cards, incredible devices perfect for people who hate their ears. Folks known as "audiophiles" have been known to purchase expensive standalone sound cards with names like "Sound Blaster Ultracity Platinum X-Fi XXXtreme Quadro Xen." These people have also been known to rub their balls against furniture for hours.
Video cards: Hardcore gamers require obscenely pricey video cards capable of pushing trillions of polygons into whatever part of the computer that requires shapes to function. Without these cards, gamers would not be able to play a map in Crysis where they punch a big pile of barrels with 10,000 turtles on top.
CD-ROM / DVD-ROM drive: Optical media (media you can see with your eyes) is the wave of the future, at least according to a PC World magazine I read in October of 1997. These drives are responsible for spinning your CDs or DVDs around really fast, which the normal human is incapable of doing unless they're some sort of genetically engineered Aspergers superhero.
Extreme case fans and spinning shit with neon lights: If you lack sufficient funds to purchase these items, you may obtain the same results by using a steak knife to carve the phrase "I AM A GIGANTIC DOUCHEBAG" into the side of your case.
Experienced, bitter computer building professionals often choose to purchase their parts through Newegg, a site which provides millions of user reviews for every item, each one complaining about its performance in Linux.
(Lips smacking, mouth full of peanut butter, glistening streams of peanut butter oil running down chin) "I'm full as hell, and I'm not going to take another bite!"
I saw good men turned to mush in the wars against the soggies. Men much better than you, Mr. President. If you are going to take John Brennan's security clearance, take my security clearance too.
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