Driving is one of the worst things you can do, statistically speaking. You burn unrenewable sources of energy. You spend hours, maybe tens of hours, every week, trapped in your depreciating metal box full of upholstery and fast-food trash. And 32,000 people died in motor-vehicle accidents in America alone last year. But the worst thing about it all is not being able to do regular-life shit during your commute. It's time we take back the road. Let's get some things done while we drive!
The first thing you'll need is the Handspresso Auto, which lets you brew coffee while you're driving. A full coffee pot would be impractical, which is why this $200 dingle just pulls shots of espresso. The screaming, steaming high-pressure beverage is easy to make, requiring only two hands to operate while your car shoots down the highway of its own accord.
The "unbreakable" espresso cups are optional, but you'd better get them, or else you could get injured by ceramic shards and then, in your pain-distracted state, miscalculate the knee angles required to keep your car on the road.
Okay, now that you've had your coffee and you're alert enough for some heavy thinking on the go, check this out: Curling your hair takes forever. Driving takes forever. Why not combine them for the two forevers that taste great together?!? If you can maneuver a 3000-pound chariot powered by explosions, you can sure as hell curl your hair with a lighter-socket-powered curling iron. Or maybe your hair's already curly, and you want it straightened, while driving? Easy. Mobile car-powered flat iron.
Hair still wet from your shower? 12-volt hair dryer, baby. If you use it when your car is off, it'll drain your battery, but thankfully, your alternator's chugging out full current, because you're driving while you dry.
Since you're planning on driving to some fucking place every day of your life until you die, you might want to read up on how to cook some ribs inside your car's engine compartment. Possible downsides: Can't control the temperature or humidity, and you can't keep raw meat from falling down into your serpentine belt and ruining your drivesocket. (I made those up, but car guys know I'm right.)
Is it a good idea to use your laptop while you're driving? YES. Do you want to put it on your lap? NO. Put it on the thing that you have to turn completely around in order to make your car not wreck into other things.
Do you want to keep looking down at your TV to watch Netflix while you drive? NO. That's why you get the iHUD Car Windshield Projector, so you can throw some unwisely revived TV shows up on the 'shield to relieve the boredom of paying attention to traffic.
Since your car is your bathroom, kitchen, home theater, and office, you might as well have this sticky pad for your dashboard. It's infinitely handy, because it lets you stick your car keys right on there, so you know where they'll be while you drive. Losing your car keys as you drive your turned-on car down the road is a problem for all of us, and it's great that we've finally solved it. The invisible hand of the free market warmly hugs us, yet again.
Facebook must remain unflagging in its vigilance against titties even in these troubled times of rising fascism.
It needs to consume human tissue! It needs to speak to your manager!
Reason 9: Ongoing mechanical issues with the internal Superman 64 fog machine.
Drew Fairweather goes through hundreds of Things for Sale every month, and he saves the worst of the Worst for Something Awful readers!