Phil Fish designed a video game called Fez. Most people seemed to like it well enough. Fish then went on to annoy a lot of people, overreact to their overreactions, and occasionally work on a sequel to Fez. Now that game has been canceled. Was it due to budgetary reasons or copyright issues? Did Phil Fish have a moment of clarity, realizing that he was making yet another a puzzle-based indie platformer? No, the project was scrapped because of this:
Phil Fish, the internet, and a member of the enthusiast press calling himself "Annoyed Gamer" were all jerks.
These three horrible fronts converged on Twitter, where they engaged in a very stupid internet slap fight. The internet, containing a greater number of jerks, was too large for Phil Fish's otherwise impressive jerk factor to overcome. It soon became clear that every dumb insult Fish tossed out would be returned tenfold. The only sensible option was to stop egging other people on. Naturally, Fish decided to cancel Fez 2 instead, leaving the video game industry and declaring the whole thing to be full of jerks from top to bottom. As he departed, Fish told someone to kill themselves and pointed out that he was a trending topic.
This actually happened. If the whole thing seems a little, I don't know, stupid and childish, that's because it is. But it's hardly the strangest video game cancellation in recent months.
- A few short weeks ago, Hideo Kojima was walking home with an ice cream cone in each hand. He came across an anvil suspended by a rope. Not wanting to go around this unusual obstacle, Kojima sent the anvil swinging away with a mighty kick, then stood in place with an ice cream-smeared smirk to admire his ingenuity. Moments later the anvil came back, knocking Kojima over and ruining his ice cream cones.
Within an hour, Kojima held a press conference to announce that he was fed up with the video game industry. No one would get to play Metal Gear Solid V, because everyone had been bad and they should have felt very sorry. It was such a great game, too, lamented Kojima, shaking his head sadly while addressing a room full of anvils suspended over chairs.
- Shortly after this year's E3, Bungie announced the closure of its studio (and subsequently the cancellation of its upcoming sci-fi shooter Destiny) after founder Jason Jones pushed the handle of a door labeled "pull to open".
- Development on Dragon Age 3 came to an abrupt end in March after Cliff Bleszinski attempted to sit down, misjudging the location of his chair and landing directly on his tailbone. Although Cliff was not an employee of BioWare or even remotely related to the project, his grievance needed to be redressed. A video game had to be canceled and Dragon Age 3 was the most logical target.
- A young lady waved at Yves Guillemot. As the Ubisoft CEO waved back enthusiastically, he realized that the woman had been waving to someone directly behind him. Assassin's Creed IV and Watch Dogs were immediately terminated, and the Frag Dolls were disbanded.
- Rockstar Games' Dan Houser cut someone off in traffic just last week, laughing as he flipped them off. Moments later, that person pulled ahead of him and cut him off in retaliation. As Houser slammed on the brakes, the vanity license plate before his eyes came into focus: MadDrvr. A frustrated Houser laid into his horn. Every car on the road did the same, drowning him out. His ears bleeding, Houser called his office to announce that he wasn't coming in ever again, and that Grand Theft Auto V would have to be scrapped.
- Sony CEO Kaz Hirai tried to catch a basketball, but it bounced off the tip of one of his fingers and stoved it pretty bad. The PlayStation 4 was immediately canceled.
- The follow-up to 2012's reboot of Tomb Raider was squashed when writer Rhianna Pratchett loaded Gmail and was asked to log in even though she had just visited the site like five minutes earlier.
- Double Fine's Brad Muir was frightened by a loud bang. As it turned out the sound was just a precariously balanced book falling off a shelf, but Muir immediately canceled the studio's tactical role-playing game Massive Chalice and sent a personalized memo reading "thanks for the lunch money, nerd" to every person that had funded the Kickstarter.
- All PC games for the rest of time were canceled after Gabe Newell felt like he had to sneeze, but couldn't.