After this election, it's never been so clear that our nation is divided, our communities torn, and our future in peril. There is only one thing that can bring us back together: another copy-cat food delivery service that promises $10 off your first delivery with the promo code "fr33f00d."
You don't need to read the constitution too closely to know that every American has the right to a lukewarm chicken parmesan delivered to their door in a 2002 Toyota Celica. It's an unalienable right, really. And while GrubHub, UberEATS, Amazon, and about a thousand other companies have done their part, it's time for a new hero: you.
If you start another company, you aren't jumping into an overburdened bandwagon. No, you're Disrupting the Restaurant Industry. You're taking the Eating Out out of Eating Out. You're the Elon Musk of solving some stoner's munchies. Sure, the industry has reached a saturation point that mirrors a Star Trek tribble infestation, but... so what? They say to strike while the iron is hot, and what's hotter than a massive implosion of an unnecessarily hyped tech startup?
All you need is a rhyming name like ChewCrew or FoodDude, and a bunch of drivers desperately drowning in student debt, and you're set. But the service isn't for you. It's for the people. Regardless of who they voted or didn't vote for, no one should be forced to endure the humiliation of ordering food. Whether it be over the phone or--god forbid-- in person at an actual restaurant, this misery is no longer necessary in this day and age. People can order, eat, and enjoy without ever needed to take off their Sponge Bob pajama pants. With just a few swipes on their phone, they can cut out the human contact of fine dining to get back to their swipes on their phone. All that's left is an app that simulates that scene in Home Alone, and we'll finally have freedom.
The future is now. Given the exponential growth in computing power, cloud services, and a host of new platforms there is no reason not to have five GrubHub clones for every restaurant in your city. We need one more choice to bring us the same food, and we need it now.
It needs to consume human tissue! It needs to speak to your manager!
Scourgelord Vilius Mandragore gave a speech from our shattered capital on Friday and we are here to fact check his claims about his million year empire.
Reason 9: Ongoing mechanical issues with the internal Superman 64 fog machine.
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